To beg you for advice (5 months - sleep related - so tired I could cry)

[Lotus90]

Our DS (5 months) has never been the best sleeper. However from the 4 month mark things have been deteriorating. He's gone from waking up twice a night for a feed (which felt entirely manageable) to waking up between every 45 mins - an hour from the point that he goes down for the night, until morning. I'm assuming that he's waking up between sleep cycles and then not self-settling (which he was actually doing previously and still does when we put him down sleepy but awake to go to bed).

I was doing the majority of the night wakings during the week as DP is waking up for work at 06:30am, however he's been great helping out this week as things have been getting progressively worse. We're both so exhausted and feeling pretty directionless. This feels more difficult than the newborn stage.

DS has a solid nighttime bed routine. He has a bath between half 6/ quarter to 7, a feed in a dimly lit room and then he self settles in his cot. We've started giving him a feed at somewhere around 10pm before we go to bed and then he has one more feed during the night. However around these feeds he's just waking constantly. We can sometimes settle him by turning the hairdryer on (we've tried white noise apps which don't seem to work), otherwise we have to pick him up for a cuddle. Shhing/ patting etc don't work.

I'm so tired this morning I could cry. Can anyone give me any kind of advice? Or even just some reassurance? I feel as though we must have gone wrong somewhere and I'm starting to beat myself up about it.

Thank you

Not everyone believes they are real, but there is thought to be a huge sleep regression at about 4 months. It's to do with developmental leaps I do believe. It's nothing you've done wrong, lots and lots of babies go through it. Persevere, it does get better

This too shall pass. .

You're doing everything right but you really need to dig deep and prop each other up. I get that hubby works but I really don't think it is realistic to expect a full nights sleep as a new parent - even if you work. And he isn't "helping", he is parenting.

One of the reasons this idea of mum doing nights because she is on ML doesn't work is that a lot of babies are in a more consistent sleeping routine when they are younger. As they get older and mum gets closer to going back herself, they start waking more frequently and for more than just food.

So my advice would be that from here on in,you both view nights as something you are equally responsible for and even if you don't get any more sleep than you have been, it will hopefully feel like you're more supported. Oh and bring the baby in your bed if necessary.

Do anything you can to get some rest today. Can anyone help - watch your baby for a few hours? Sleep deprivation is so awful .
Sorry I've no idea on helping with baby's sleep - like you I went through the same thing. But with hindsight I should have looked after myself better and asked for help for myself too hence my advice

5 months is the hardest! You think you are through the worst newborn bit then it all goes tits up!
I think you have to be super consistent everytime. We did no picking up but lots of patting and shushing and she grew out of it.
Just too warn you there is a phase at about 14 months where they wake up at about 2am and party for a few hours. That's another one no one warns you about.
Hang in there.

We had the every 45 minutes thing and it was awful. Splitting the night into shifts was an essential coping strategy - having a consistent stretch of uninterrupted sleep at the same time every night makes the world of difference between really tired and dangerously sleep deprived. It does get better with time, but in my experience it's best to focus on coping strategies rather than trying too obsessively to 'fix' your child's sleep as some children are just naturally rubbish sleepers and trying to change things just makes things worse

We went through this the regression is real and I honestly can't remember if we did anything to fix it because my brain was so fried. In any case it did pass so hold on to that fact, do what you can to get through and don't worry about creating bad sleep habits until a bit later.

It's sleep regression. Here were my coping mechanism as mine lasted until my son went to his own room. In fact that was the only way he started sleeping in plus 90 min chunks - my parter is a snorer so I think we were disturbing him.

Till that point my partner used to help a lot. Once a fortnight he took over the whole night and I went to the spare room.

Each morning when my darling son wanted to get up at 6am my partner took him downstairs for an hour so so before he went to work while I slept in.

That worked for us as I hated the 6am starts

My DS used to have a fairly solid sleep of around 3-4 hours from going to bed and I used to go to sleep when he did sometimes. We co-slept which saved my sanity. DH used to work nights back then so left around 9. He did the bath routine and DS and I went to bed when he was getting ready for work. When DH was off, I would sometimes feed DA to sleep and sneak back downstairs. When he was working, of if I was tired, I stayed in bed. DS usually woke around midnight/1am for a feed and then regularly after that. You could try putting him down a bit later and going to bed yourself.

It will pass. Try different things. Lots of parents sleep in separate rooms for a while or have to give up their evenings to catch up on sleep but it isn’t for ever. They have a huge growth spurt around 4-5 months.

My adult D's sleeps on the floor in the baby's room to encourage her to sleep. The "baby" is 3!

Yes 4 month sleep regression here too although it only lasted a week because he’d already dropped his night feed thank god and went back to his routine quite quickly.
You’re doing exactly the right thing sticking to the routine and putting him down awake.

Have you tried putting him to bed earlier and not feeding him until he wakes hungry for a feed (ie not feeding him at 10pm - I don’t know if you wake him to feed at that time or if he wakes naturally anyway).

I’d second the own room thing too, we used to wake baby up going to bed, he’s a light sleeper so hubby’s snoring and general tossing and turning, going to loo etc would disturb him.

Once in his own room we only hear him if he actually cries, so his little stirs and crazy noises and talking to himself and stuff that he does when he occasionally wakes up we don’t hear, and he usually manages just to nod back off himself.

Sleep when he sleeps. Go to bed at 7pm. Hopefully it will only be temporary!

4-5 months is a fucking killer.

Mine were great sleepers until then. Hit sleep regression, bang, just like you describe.

Are you bfing? I found sleeping in in the morning the only way of coping. DH had to step in.

DS1 we soldiered on to 9 months. Then sleep trained. He wasn’t feeding at night anyway. Worked beautifully.

DS2 I night weaned at 6 months, which made a difference. However he still wakes up once a night at least sy 17 months.

Good luck

Is he cold? I always found my babies wake up loads when we followed the guidance about how many layers they are "supposed to" wear, and it does get quite chilly at night now.

But I agree it is pretty normal for 5 month old babies to wake frequently in the night and seek comfort - I dealt with crappy baby sleep by co-sleeping. I couldn't be doing with driving myself insane trying to control it all and worrying that I was doing this or that wrong. It passes in time and this was the easiest way to get through it for me. At some point between the first and second birthday they become naturally more independent sleepers and then by the time they are two you can actually talk to them and explain things and negotiate, which finishes it off and (IMO) is much less stressful than sleep training earlier.

You might prefer a more proactive approach, but that's what worked for me :)

It’s still such early days so although you may feel like you have gone wrong you really haven’t! They are just constantly changing. Just when you think you are in a good routine it all changes again! I definitely feel as though the 4 month sleep regression is a thing. As others have said it will pass & now I don’t even remember how. Have you tried co-sleeping?

We’re having the same. I go to bed at 7 (don’t class asleep until gone 8 but at least have some rest too)

We have been co sleeping, now I’m going the other way and gradually moving her out (having naps etc in her nursery now to prepare m)

Also is he tired at 7- can you keep him up later? Mine is exhausted and screaming by 7 so I’m trying to juggle her naps so the afternoon one is later/ longer (I have to say I’m not confident this will do much apart from mean they wake up every 45 mins from a later time)

How is he getting off to sleep?

The single best piece of advice I heard when my kids were little was from a Guardian interview with one of the consultants at the Guy's Hospital sleep clinic. He said don't do anything to help them get to sleep that you're not happy to come back and do every 90 minutes through the night (I know your DS is waking twice as often as that - that sounds to me like he's so tired that he's basically catnapping.) So passive background sleep aids like blackout blinds and white noise are fine as you can leave them on all night, but if he is feeding or sucking a dummy, if you're rocking him or holding him... he's going to need that to get back over every time he partially wakes.

I would recommend the book Teach Your Child To Sleep - it has a variety of techniques, I would say with a young baby it's actually easier to get them sleeping alone than with an older child because they are absolutely knackered and they don't really have any resources to keep themselves awake like climbing out of the cot so it's just a matter of teaching them to self soothe in the gentlest way possible. One way of doing it is when he goes to bed, like if he cries when you walk away, you come back and figure out what is the minímum amount of interaction he needs to stop crying (like it might be holding him, it might be just putting your hand on his tummy or even just standing next to the cot) and then you do that until he's calm and then start to withdraw. And if he cries you engage again, but the minimum amount you can get away with. You're sort of riding the wave between too much interaction = falls asleep with your help and too little interaction = starts crying. You just try and balance him on that spot where he's getting gradually calmer and sleepier. Does that make any sense?

^^ that’s great thanks toomuch!

How many oz is he taking In one day? Im wondering whether you’ll benefit from cluster feeding at night time. I used to feed my baby from 8pm to 10pm at this age (as much as he wants) My baby was having 9oz then sleeping all night as he’s not getting hungry

You are not doing anything wrong. Some babies are not good sleepers and it is the hardest part if being a parent imho.

I ended up co sleeping in bed with my first child who used to wake up every 45 minutes through sheer exhaustion. It worked for us. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea.

Also, share the loaf as much as you can. Get partner/ family / friends to take baby in the evenings and weekends out for walks etc to give you chance to nap it get them helping with making dinners/ housework as you will be two knackered. It does get better, do what you need to survive!