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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think I did nothing wrong here?

26 replies

Suzanne12 · 07/11/2019 06:39

So my dad came to visit at the weekend and lives around 5 hours away so I don't see him too often. I only saw him for one day and he spent the rest of the time visiting other members of family. My mum and dad have been split up for around 15 years and also live around 5 hours away from each other (my mum lives an hour away from me). During the last week or so I've only spoken to my mum on WhatsApp with general updates about the kids etc. I didn't mention that my dad was visiting as I didn't think it was relevant and would rather have spoken to her on the phone about it. She has since found out when she saw one of my siblings and is now annoyed as all her kids for not telling her that we saw my dad. I wasn't hiding it from her, it just didn't come up. She said she's disgusted at me and things will never be the same now which I feel is really unfair. There was no malice behind me not telling her but I also don't think I should be obliged to tell her. There's a lot of things in my life she doesn't know about until long after they've happened cos I don't see her often enough and only have a catch up on the phone every few weeks, normally it's me calling her. I want to repair this but don't think I should apologise so don't know what the best thing to do is. Was I wrong? Should I apologise and how can I make this better?

OP posts:

BritishHorrorStory · 07/11/2019 06:43

They’ve been split up for fifteen years and she is “disgusted” at you and things will “never be the same again” because you had the temerity to see your own father? Unless there is a massive drip feed coming and/or they split in unforgivable circumstances it sounds like she needs to get over it. And no, you should not apologise.

Candle1000 · 07/11/2019 06:46

Don’t apologise, don’t mention it to her any more , don’t engage, just carry on as normal.

TheVanguardSix · 07/11/2019 06:51

You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong here!
This is your mum’s unresolved shit entirely. How nasty to say those hurtful things to you.
Do not apologise and don’t even give this legs. She wants a drama. Don’t feed it.

user1480880826 · 07/11/2019 06:52

Is she upset that you didn’t tell her or that you saw him?

She sounds extremely childish either way. She’s not treating you like an adult. You have nothing to apologise for.

Original poster

Suzanne12 · 07/11/2019 07:12

She's not upset that I saw him, just that I didn't tell her. It's good to see that I'm not being unreasonable on this. Didn't think I was but her reaction had me doubting myself.

OP posts:

Dollymixture22 · 07/11/2019 07:12

You did nothing wrong. Your mums issues are hers not yours.

Address it head on, once. Tell her she is being unreasonable, you are free to see your dad when you please and don’t have to report visits to her.

coconuttelegraph · 07/11/2019 07:14

Did she use the word disgusted or is that your description? In what way could the situation disgust anyone? She is being unreasonable for that alone.

purplepalace · 07/11/2019 07:18

She is U after so many years to still obviously have a problem with him and also your relationship with him (jealousy?) she's overreacting as all she should really feel is mildly annoyed.

But, honestly, it does sound like you were hiding it from her. It didn't skip your mind, you purposely hid it.

I think you need to analyse why you felt you needed to do this (probably because of her weird overreaction?) or perhaps another reason, or from past experience with the way she behaves.

Howlovely · 07/11/2019 07:21

What a strange reaction. May I ask the circumstances of their split? There appears to still be an awful lot of anger on your mum's part. Why on earth should/would you even mention it to her, your relationship with your own dad is absolutely none of her business! What would her knowing about it change anyway? She's kicking up a huge stink and risking her relationship with you over nothing. Definitely don't apologise. And from now on text or phone her every single time you see anyone you know, just to make her see how ridiculous she is being. "I've just seen Sandra from the greengrocers". "I've just bumped into auntie Jean at the doctors". "I've just seen Pete at the post office". Even if you've bumped into an ex after midnight in a pub, phone her immediately so she knows about it.

AmIThough · 07/11/2019 07:25

Your moms reaction is so strange. It's absolutely nothing to do with her.

Original poster

Suzanne12 · 07/11/2019 07:25

Yes, she used the word disgusted.

I didn't tell her because we'd only spoke on WhatsApp and really I wanted to have a proper chat about it. I did tell her a while back that he would be visiting but that was before the date was confirmed so it's not like she had no idea it would happen. I also expected that she would hear from someone else anyway as she sees my sister every few days. She knows how busy I am and any WhatsApp chat is really just a few highlights of what I've been up to, mostly pics of the kids.

OP posts:

MitziK · 07/11/2019 07:37

Either tell her 'And I'm disgusted that you're giving me grief about this' or a period of radio silence - not NC, just not getting in touch for a bit - to let her think about whether it's actually worth the fuss she's making.

Don't engage with crazy. Which this is.

Original poster

Suzanne12 · 07/11/2019 07:37

Their breakup wasn't particularly bad, it wasn't nice as no break up really is but it could have been a lot worse. They pretty much just went their separate ways and didn't have much contact at all. My dad did turn his side of the family against my mum and my grandma has said some horrible things in the past but my mum has just stayed away from it and always maintained that she wants us to have a good relationship with my dad. She also makes it clear that she doesn't want my dad knowing what she's been up to and would get upset if any of us told my dad if we saw her and what we did etc so I guess part of me thought it should work both ways.

OP posts:

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 07/11/2019 07:42

She also makes it clear that she doesn't want my dad knowing what she's been up to and would get upset if any of us told my dad if we saw her and what we did etc

I was just about to reply to say if she mentions it again tell her you don't keep him informed of when you see her. I think she's probably a bit hurt for whatever reason. Maybe she thinks you have more of a loyalty to her, and a different relationship with her than you do your dad. Hence keeping her informed of his comings and goings but not the other way round!

I'd let her calm down and see does she come back to you with her tail between her legs. I wouldn't make an issue of it one way our another. You did nothing wrong. She knows that.

fedup21 · 07/11/2019 07:43

She also makes it clear that she doesn't want my dad knowing what she's been up to and would get upset if any of us told my dad if we saw her and what we did etc

What did she say when you pointed that out?

anniemac1 · 07/11/2019 07:50

Please talk /write to your mum.too often people get caught up in riight/wrong.often the argument is about deeper unsaid hurts from some time ago.then things like this escalate.always talk.please.you said you don’t tell her a lot of things, maybe she has felt you moving on and out of her life. I so wish I had the right words to help.

Original poster

Suzanne12 · 07/11/2019 07:54

She didn't give me a chance to point it out as she put the phone down on me pretty promptly when I called to try to talk it out.

OP posts:

Foslady · 07/11/2019 07:57

Don’t give in to her - this is exactly how my exMIL used to be, even complained that we got him (as well as her new husband) a Father’s Day card and gift 40 years after the split.
She didn’t like it when I reminded her that exFIL had divorced her and not the children (and there had been no abuse by her own admission)

Original poster

Suzanne12 · 07/11/2019 08:00

Thanks Anniemac, it's good to see another perspective. I used to make more of an effort to speak with her but it's so one sided and she knows how busy I am. It bothers me that she doesn't put the effort in.

OP posts:

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 07/11/2019 08:01

I'd leave it for a few days or weeks. Whatever is your usual routine for talking. Then contact her as normal and see what happens. There is obviously a deeper hurt there and this is the issue that is being picked up. You didn't do anything wrong. You know that. Your mam knows that. There's no point, at this stage, to push the point.

Obviouslynotobvious · 07/11/2019 08:03

Read all your posts my suggestions are you say that you did mention you would be seeing him before and would have spoken about it next time you had a proper chat and you're sorry she's upset but you did nothing wrong.

You can be right or you can try to repair despite being in the right I guess.

hallohallohallo · 07/11/2019 08:48

My dad did turn his side of the family against my mum and my grandma has said some horrible things in the past but my mum has just stayed away from it and always maintained that she wants us to have a good relationship with my dad.

This sounds very one sided. The split wasn't too bad. They went their seperate ways. Then your dad and his family kicked off about her. Your mother seems to want nothing to do with them (can't say that I blame her tbh), but she doesn't want to stop the children not seeing their father. Maybe she had 'revealed' something 'private' to you right before your father's visit and then she panicked and thought 'OP might have told her father I '. It could have been something simple like 'Mum's talking about putting up her Christmas tree early this year'.
Maybe your mother has these one sided conversations with you because she wants to keep in touch and see how you and your family are doing without giving you any information about her because she's afraid you'll pass it on to your father? As silly as it seems, I can kinda see where she's coming from if your father and his family have been so horrible to her and she really wants to go NC with them but can't due to sharing children?
Yes she overreacted and shouldn't have said she was 'discusted at you', but perhaps she's feeling vulnerable about the situation? (does not excuse what she said to you) Hopefully you can talk about it.

hallohallohallo · 07/11/2019 08:50

disgusted

knittedgoldfish · 07/11/2019 08:53

Don't apologise, she sounds horrible.

Karwomannghia · 07/11/2019 08:55

When you said you didn’t want to tell her on WhatsApp but over the phone, that’s says to me it is quite an emotive subject for her, which you have always had to handle carefully. So that it came as a shock to her and she’s upset is probably not a surprise really?
Yes on the face of it with the bare facts, you should not have to tell her, but there is clearly a history here.

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