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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU to not have him sign the register?

25 replies

Newmummy64 · 07/11/2019 05:56

To give some context, my dad is a Muslim, we were never brought up as Muslim but he always just assumed we were, despite having a Catholic mum. He's always been very difficult and as I've got older, our relationship has become harder, he's very immature and argumentative but I have always tried my best to keep him happy.

Earlier this year, I found out I was pregnant, we're not married and I knew this would be a problem but, perhaps naïvely, thought that dad would have a little strop and then be fine considering my mum died a few years ago and he's the only one I have left. This was not the case, he threw the scan picture at me, called me easy (not the actual word he used, he said something far worse) and didn't speak to Me for 3 months, despite my older brother and sister's intervention.

My older brother then spoke to dad and my dad told him if me and my boyfriend were to get married, he'd speak to me again. In order to get the relationship i so craved back, I agreed and arranged for my boyfriend and I to get married.
I arranged a quick, small wedding, with just a few family members, we could hardly afford it but wanted dad to be on my side again.

Dad loves attention so was absolutely buzzing on the day, getting to walk me down the aisle, ect. The day was nice but towards the end of the evening, my dad went quiet and started saying he felt sick. He often does this when he's not had attention for a while so I put it down to that. He then left, which was fine as it was winding down anyway.

The next day I called him and he was really off with me so I said I'd call again later. Called the next day, same thing.

The following day got a message from my brother saying he'd just had a massive argument with dad. I called dad to see what was wrong, found out that he was angry because I had my aunt sign our marriage certificate and not him. I was dumbfounded. He said my husband was a 'good boy' because he had his dad sign. I tried to explain that since mum had died, my aunty really stepped in so I wanted both to be a part, dad walking me down the aisle, aunt signing register. I explained that if our mum's were there (both me and my husband have lost our mum's) they would have signed the register. I told him I felt that this was just another excuse to have a strop and that nothing is ever good enough for him. I said you walked me down the aisle and that's what every father is expected/wants to do. He's not spoken to me for 2 months now despite my greatest efforts.
WIBU to not have him sign the register?

OP posts:
Straightintoit · 07/11/2019 05:59

YANBU. He’s always going to have some way in which he perceives that you’ve let him down / treated him badly.

Bobbiepin · 07/11/2019 06:07

Let me get this straight, your dad was absent growing up but still expects you to be raised in a religion that no one else follows, he threw a strop because you fell pregnant so you actually GOT MARRIED to please him and that still wasn't enough for him? I would start reducing contact asap, this man is not good for you or your family.

TipseyTorvey · 07/11/2019 06:19

I think you need some counselling pronto. You need clear boundaries with your df, especially once you have a baby to protect. He is a manipulative bastard. Step away.

Besidesthepoint · 07/11/2019 06:19

He sounds toxic. You have your own family now.

ToLiveInPeace · 07/11/2019 06:21

Getting married to try to make your dad behave reasonably seems a bit extreme, but he doesn't seem capable of it anyway. Don't let him guide your decisions in future.

SuperMeerkat · 07/11/2019 06:22

Ridiculous @Newmummy64 He sounds like a right Man child! At our wedding, my son walked me down the aisle (NC with dad) then our mum’s did readings, DH’s dad and my brother in law signed the register. Nice way to get everyone involved, just like you did. He’s got the problem, not you.

EleanorShellstrop100 · 07/11/2019 06:26

Does he have ANY good points?

Slappadabass · 07/11/2019 06:27

YANBU, stop pampering to him. Getting married to please your dad is ridiculous, I hope you both actually wanted to get married and didn't just do it for him.

What are you getting out of your relationship with him? If it's nothing but upset and stress then cut him out, go no contact or very minimal contact he sounds toxic and it doesn't seem like anything will ever be good enough for him.

feckinarse · 07/11/2019 06:32

You might find this advice place useful, it has lots of stuff about how to deal with (limited contact, no contact) parents who are bullies, as he is.

captainawkward.com/2019/10/29/we-are-spartacus-open-thread-resources-on-family-estrangement-and-adult-relationships-with-difficult-parents/

Good luck. You need boundaries, and scripts for managing him. It's not your fault that he's horrible.

MollyButton · 07/11/2019 06:39

I think you need to go non contact at least for a bit. Get yourself some counselling, read Toxic Families, go on the "Stately Homes" thread in Relationships here.

Whatever you do for your Dad will never be enough.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and getting married!

FridalovesDiego · 07/11/2019 06:49

The OP does not say she wasn’t brought up by her father Bobbiepin OP, I sympathise, my FIL is just like this, absolute life and soul when all eyes on him but a really difficult person to be around the rest of the time. We limit our time with him now, much as we love him, it really is the only way.

slashlover · 07/11/2019 07:04

The OP does not say she wasn’t brought up by her father Bobbiepin

But she says she was not brought up Muslim but her dad assumed she was. If he was there then surely he would know she wasn't?

Newmummy64 · 07/11/2019 07:09

@Bobbiepin @slashlover
No dad was there, just saying we weren't brought up as Muslim, like didn't go to mosque etc.
We weren't allowed to eat pork and stuff so dad just, I perhaps, wanted us to be Muslim and assumed we were, if that makes sense

OP posts:
FridalovesDiego · 07/11/2019 07:11

That makes perfect sense Newmummy64, and is incredibly common. Same happened in my family with my dad just assuming we were being brought up with his religion. Although I fail to see why my white mum was left to teach all his cultural beliefs! 🙄

MrsAgassi · 07/11/2019 07:13

You are an adult and capable of making your own decisions. Stop pandering to him.

slipperywhensparticus · 07/11/2019 07:15

I would never ever get married to please my family

EleanorReally · 07/11/2019 07:17

why didnt you ask him to sign the register?

MegaClutterSlut · 07/11/2019 07:17

Yabu to get married to keep your dad happy especially after calling you 'easy'. I think you need to stop pandering to him. You and your siblings are trying way too hard to have the relationship you crave with him because from the sounds out it, I don't think your ever going to get it.

Yanbu not letting him sign the register. He is acting selfish. Unless you and your siblings stand up for yourself, you are forever going to live in the fear of upsetting him and not being spoken too again for months. Sod living like that, what if he does this to your child when older if they upset him?

EleanorReally · 07/11/2019 07:18

oh sorry ijust tread why

he is a childish man.
ignore - dont pander to him,
what could you do anyway, you chose your aunt for a reason

Howlovely · 07/11/2019 07:38

I believe that if you had have asked him to sign the register he would have found something else to be mad about. This isn't about the signing of the register, this is about your father's problems and the fact that he's not got control over you to force you to do things his way. What do you get out of having a relationship with him, apart from a load of angst? Do you want your child growing up around a grandparent where nothing is ever good enough?

Likethebattle · 07/11/2019 07:44

Just leave him for now he’s the one missing out.

Nanny0gg · 07/11/2019 07:56

Your husband actually agreed to marriage to keep your dad happy?

Peccary · 07/11/2019 08:03

As others have said, if it wasn't the register it would be something else. He had his part in the "show", he wanted a anotherone because you gave it to someone else.
How is this going to get better once you have a child?

Newmummy64 · 07/11/2019 08:05

I do see how getting married to keep the peace does sound extreme, and believe me, I would have rather got married on my own terms. Always dreamt of my wedding and I'm very disappointed I didn't get what I'd dreamt of. But I guess I just didn't want to lose another parent.
Me and my husband would have got married eventually and he wasn't forced into anything.
It is however disappointing that even after making such a huge declaration, my dad didn't react how we thought he would.
And I agree with @Howlovely I'm sure he probably would have found something else to complain about

OP posts:
Sweetdreamer93 · 07/11/2019 08:49

Stop pandering to this man.

Explain unconditional love to him and also tell him how much you love him but he needs to respect your life choices.
If he cannot do that, as much as it hurts it’s time to realise that it’s his choice and leave those emotions at his door.

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