To expect adult aunts and uncles to bother with Dc at Christmas.

[Starlet79]

I don’t want to sound like a spoilt brat who expects presents for my DC from everyone. Because that’s not the case.

Just wondering if you expect working adult age aunts and uncles to buy for your DC. Bearing in mind my DC are the only little ones in the family and they don’t have children of their own.

My siblings are teenagers so don’t really expect them to obviously as they don’t earn money. But OH’s siblings are in mid to late twenties, all work, but all a bit reliant on mil and don’t really acknowledge DC’s birthdays or at Christmas.

In previous years I used to buy them gifts around £20/30 each but have cut it down to about £5-10 as we don’t get anything in return so I feel like stopping it completely this year.

I know Christmas isn’t all about presents etc. But if I ever have nieces or nephews I cannot imagine not doing so, but I probably feel this way as I have DC of my own.

Aibu? Aibu to not buy them anything? Or Maybe a small box of chocs??

@BloggersBlog not quite sure how taking something from your DP's house to give to your DN could be a genuine (embarrassing) mistake! DC2 certainly noticed - opened it, said "oh DC1, this is yours!" and handed it over. Then asked why aunt and uncle had given her DC1's game for her birthday. In all fairness to DP's, when I spoke to them about it (sibling complained to them that no thank you letter had been sent) I don't think they knew it had been taken.

Yes I'd expect aunts and uncles to buy for their nephews and nieces unless they were children themselves.
Thou having said that DMIL has bought us a box of Xmas crackers as a family Xmas present for years and stopped buying individual presents for my DC since the oldest was 15 and youngest was 7, personally I think it's mean but DHs generally dont bother with gifts like my family do so every family is different.

My sister and I buy for each others dc usually about £15 per child. Ex DPS family haven't bought for the children since we split up. His mother did sent a card to the children for the first 5 years or so. But thankfully stopped a few years ago.
As a family we do secret Santa, it gives the children a extra present to look forward to, and teaches them to think about what other people would like. As they are getting older they put their own money towards it

Thanks all. I would consider us pretty close to them. We don’t see them all that often at the minute as living in different places but we see them on Christmas Day most years so just wondering if it’s normal or not to not buy gifts for nieces and nephews. It surprises me that mil doesn’t tell them to buy something or that she buys something for them to give them (as I said they are all a bit reliant on their mum) after us buying them gifts most years. I don’t think I’ll bother buying for them this year! We are on a stricter budget this year after a heavy year financially so have to cut Christmas costs down considerably!

My brother never bothered with my DCs when they were growing up - they are now in their late teens. He's 3 years younger than me, works full time and had no kids. No gifts, not even a card with a fiver and no interest in their wellbeing in general.

He had a daughter of his own last year... not sure how to play this one to be honest. On the one hand, he's missed 18 years of Christmas and birthday gifts for his nieces and nephew so why should I bother. On the other hand, it's not my niece's fault that she has a self-centred and selfish father...

I used to buy lovely thoughtful presents for my nieces and nephews. I'd get fuck all in return. By which I mean I would have liked a bar of snickers wrapped in newspaper or some school made Christmas themed crap from them. They are adults now.
Surprise surprise when my dd was little, she got maybe a cheap Sainsburys summer cardi from one of her aunts. That was it. The aunties/uncles were "done with kids" and forgot about mine or didn't make any fuss at all.
That said she has a new aunt who gets dd nice gifts (new wife of bil).

I have an enormous family with loads of neices and nephews and to be honest it has become a chore in recent years to buy presents. They get pretty spoiled already and I have had not so much as a thank you from most of them. I decided a few years ago to start scaling things back and getting small gifts.

It wouldn't bother me as my family have only ever given token gifts. My DC wouldn't expect anything and I'd be embarrassed rather then sad if someone did buy them expensive gifts. All families are different there aren't any set rules on present buying.

My children get bought something every year by both their teen aunts and uncles, and late twenties ones. We generally do a home made card including a keepsake like a Christmas tree decoration or a photo from the kids to them, and we buy them either alcohol or smellies depending on age, and they buy toys for the kids. I was surprised last year at how much was spent on them, and stressed there is absolutely no need if they don’t want to!

Do they buy for each other? If not then maybe they just aren't into presents much so don't really think about it

I don’t expect anyone to buy presents for people they don’t have a meaningful relationship with. To do so is to be materialistic. ‘I don’t care that there’s no real relationship here, just open your wallet!’. (I don’t expect anyone to buy presents for people they have a meaningful relationship with either but it would be unusual if they never did.)

Some people do spend money on those they have a limited relationship with, usually because they are people who are very much bound by perceived cultural obligations, or because spending money (when you have it) is an easy way to say, ‘Look, I care’, whether you do or you don’t. It is wrong to expect this of everyone.

OP, you should be examining why your children have no meaningful relationship with their aunts and uncles, and whether this is something you should be facilitating, rather than being materialistic. They may not want a closer relationship with your children but that doesn’t mean they owe you, materially, in any way.

I had a meaningful relationship with my nieces and nephews (or I was cheap childcare, depending on how you look at it).

I had years of buying gifts and posting them to the States for my niece and nephew. When I had my own children my brother never bothered with birthday and Christmas gifts. It hurt a lot. For a time my mum would buy my DC gifts from my brother but I told her to stop.

I like my brother but he is a self centred twat.

I was an Aunty as a young teen and still managed to buy my nephews birthday and Xmas presents. My brother and sister also managed it without being prompted or managed by our mother. So being a teen is no excuse either.
Now we are grown up with dc of our own we all manage to exchange appropriate presents.
No excuses for any side of your family OP.
I would bring it up in conversation next time you see them. 'why don't you buy dc presents? Most aunts and uncles usually do'. Kind of thing. Non confrontational. Whatever their response just let them know you won't be bothering to reciprocate with them.

Definitely stop buying for them.

Do you think they will say something if you do stop? I would be so ready with a comeback —provided by mumsnetters— (underline fail)

I tried the gentle prompting. It was ignored or laughed off with a change the subject kind of laugh. Some siblings don't. Some siblings do. It's shitty when they are in the same family and think differently.

I mean strikethrough fail

One of my elder sisters had kids when I was 23 and I used to not only buy Birthday and Christmas gifts but clothes and toys throughout the year. I never received so much as a birthday text back let alone a card!!

I stopped the gift buying.

I'd see this a huge opportunity not only to stop buying for them but also not to have to jump on the endless merry go round of reciprocal present buying for birthdays and Christmas when they have kids themselves. Believe me you'll be pleased when you don't have 18+years of several kids to cater for. You can still maintain a good relationship but they've set the precedent already.

YABU.
I specifically told my siblings not to worry about it because I chose to have children - they didn't.

@AmIThough - Just because yours dont doesnt mean others shouldnt. You've agreed that with your family, fine She hasnt

I have got a lot of nieces and nephews who are all over 18, so don't get christmas presents from me anymore, but I have 2 great nieces under 10 (who, likewise, will get presents until they are 18). It is so lovely to be able to buy for children rather than adults. It will be a shame when I no longer have a reason to buy toys/age suitable stuff. Let's face it, children are much easier to buy for than adults who have already got everything.

@BloggersBlog no I haven't agreed that with my family - I have one nephew who I've bought presents for. I've told them not to feel like they have to buy for my DD. Most of them will, but I wouldn't be upset if they didn't.

It's grabby to expect gifts.

Some people are like this. I have a budget of £50 for each DN on both sides of the family for each special occasion and have spent 300 each on them in the year. This is on top of the hundreds I spent for baby showers etc. I am pregnant now and only my siblings have bothered to reciprocate - DH is so gutted because he expected so much more from his family due to what they do for each other in his country. Yet the truth is in his family gift giving is often just done for show rather than love, so as we live abroad there is no local family to put a show on for and so we get nothing.

My DS has two uncles (my brother and DH's brother). DH isn't particularly close to BIL but BIL will get DS a gift for Christmas and birthday (if we invite him over for a party). On the other hand, my brother spoils DS and buys him stuff whenever on top of the special occasions. I agree that YANBU that adult aunts and uncles would usually at least give Christmas and birthday presents to their DNs.