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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to talk to miserable mother!

6 replies

Jadefeather7 · 06/11/2019 14:30

My mother has been a worrier her whole life. I think it may be because she had an abusive father/ came from an unstable broken home. It was really stressful living with her growing up. When I moved away and had some distance it seemed to get a little better. I’m on maternity leave now so available to take her calls during the day and she now offloads on me all the time. She’s constantly stressed about something or the other. She blows small things out of proportion and acts like the end of the world is coming. If there isn’t anything going on she will find something to get stressed about E.g. her most recent concern is that if my dad gets ill (he’s shown some memory issues over the last few years) they will take her house away to pay for his care and she will be moved into a council flat.

I’m really fed up of this. I have my own issues but I never tell her anything because I don’t want to add to her pile of worries. I just can’t listen to her any more as it really brings my own mood down. When I try to tell her this she gets annoyed and says that I’m not supportive and that she needs someone to talk to. I’ve asked her to see a doctor so she can get support but she takes offence at the idea. I don’t want to cut her off as she’s my mother and she’s done a lot for me but I just don’t know what to do any more!

OP posts:
UOkhun77 · 06/11/2019 14:33

My mum used me as her therapist since I was a child. I didn’t realise it was abnormal for a quite a while but once I did I had to tell her myriad times that I was not her therapist and I didn’t want to hear it. She didn’t like it but is a bit better now. When she slips back I just say something noncommittal then change the subject or make up some reason why I have to get off the phone/leave the room.

HollowTalk · 06/11/2019 14:40

I can see why your mum is worrying about losing her home, but the reality is she won't. Perhaps you could write to Shelter or somewhere to ask for reassurance on that, so that she can read it whenever she panics?

I know it doesn't solve your other problems with her but it might shut her up on that one!

Jadefeather7 · 06/11/2019 14:55

@UOkhun77 that’s exactly what I ended up saying to her today- that I’m not qualified as a therapist. She didn’t like it.

@HollowTalk that’s what I thought but she has a friend who was apparently made to leave her home so her husband care could be paid for - so apparently everything online is wrong!

OP posts:
Nofunkingworriesmate · 06/11/2019 14:56

Have a list of helplines and therapists by the phone and tell her you are not an expert on benefits/ memory loss and Cheerfully tell her to contact these people for expert advice, then change the subject, keep doing this.
Tell her your therapist has given you homework not to partake in negative conversations
Screen her calls and only take 50% of them

Tell her straight she is bringing you down and you are not enjoying it

Interestedwoman · 06/11/2019 15:03

' her most recent concern is that if my dad gets ill (he’s shown some memory issues over the last few years) they will take her house away to pay for his care and she will be moved into a council flat.
'
This literally never happens, you could show her this easy to google evidence, and keep repeating it to her when she brings it up.

'If your care home is permanent, it won't be counted as: it's still occupied by your partner'
www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/paying-for-a-care-home/do-i-have-to-sell-my-home-to-pay-for-care/

Interestedwoman · 06/11/2019 15:05

'she has a friend who was apparently made to leave her home so her husband care could be paid for - so apparently everything online is wrong!'

Nah, something else must've happened, like her friend wasn't able to live by herself or something.

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