To ask if your DW/DH/DP cheated once, did they cheat again?

[InTheMarmaladeForest]

Following on from a few threads about infidelity and the trust involved after a partner has cheated, it’s made me curious as to how many people actually cheat a second time? And if that's the more likely outcome than them never cheating again.

It’s so common on here to hear ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ or ‘a leopard never changes its spots!’ and it got me thinking about how true that actually is.

Years and years ago, I was in a relationship and kissed someone else on a drunken night out. I was mortified by my behaviour, and never repeated it again, neither in that relationship, or subsequent ones.

Is it more likely that once someone has strayed, either a one night stand, a kiss, or even an affair, that they’ll do it again? Should people automatically assume that if their partner has cheated, they’re almost guaranteed it’ll happen again at some point?

Interesting one. I cheated on partners when I was much younger, and quite honestly it’s because in my mind the relationship was already over. Very selfish behaviour which id never repeat now.

I’ve had a few serious relationships since and have loved and been very committed to them and I couldn’t ever see myself cheating on them because the love and respect was too strong. I have no idea how it happens for people who have been married for years, it just seems so sad.

But I don’t think I could trust someone who cheated so for me, it’s a case of a leopard not changing its spots

I have cheated in the past. Significant side relationships. In a marriage that was dead but too scared to leave.
Remarried now and feel if things weren't right to the point I was ever tempted I could tell him without fear and be able to either split or fix things before I cheated..

There are probably some that don’t repeat, seriously regret their behaviour. I think there are more that think I got away with it once, I will again.

I think cheats will cheat again if they have the opportunity and if they believe they won't get caught.

Once the trust has been broken, that's me done.

People cheat because something isn't right in their relationship, if its not fixed they will stray again.

I think the big problem is, once they have cheated on you, you're never going to trust them again, so regardless of whether they do or they don't, the relationship is likely to be doomed. I went out with someone who cheated, and any time afterwards that he was late home, needed to work away, whatever, it was the first thing that crossed my mind. In hindsight I don't think he did cheat again, but it was always there, so I ended the relationship soon after.

I've cheated in 2 long term relationships that had both ran their course. I should have got out but felt financially trapped both times. Cheating provided emotional relief. I learned my lesson and am now financially independent. If my current relationship runs its course, my out will be to say so and leave.

My ex cheated on his ex repeatedly. He cheated once on me and was very open about it and I'm 99% sure he cheated again since then, especially since he left me for OW with a very suspiciously short gap between. He's gone on to cheat on her the whole time they've been together.

He is just a cheater, he'll never change because he's never satisfied with what he has. Nothing to do with whoever his partner is at the time and everything to do with him.

It's interesting as my DH kissed someone last year whilst on a night out. It was 'situational' at best, as in, he didn't specifically go out that night with the intention of kissing someone else.

I've mostly moved on from it, but do still occasionally battle with pangs of paranoia and feeling down about it. But, I also find myself leaning one of two ways regarding it;

1. I cheated before (not this relationship), learnt from my mistake, and never did it again. So could that be the case with him? And me remaining vigilant of his actions (not that he's caused me any suspicion since) is pointless because, like me, he well may never, ever do it again to me, or anyone else!

Or

2. should I constantly have my guard up? As MN suggests if they've cheated once, they'll definitely do it again. 🤔

I was genuinely terrible with fidelity for a long time. In my case I think it was linked to a really traumatizing and abusive relationship that meant I tended to act out and behave badly in a self destructive way for years afterwards, I think because on some level I believed you would either be the person who hurt others or the person who got hurt and I was terrified of getting hurt.

Then I met DH and I just...stopped. I don't know why, but I knew almost immediately that I didn't want that anymore. It's now been fifteen years and I haven't looked at anyone else. So... apparently I changed.

So I guess it's literally just a case of once people have found 'the one', then they won't even cheat once, let alone twice.

Still intrigued to hear if anyone has been cheated on by their current partner, then discovered they'd done it again?

Genuinely interested to hear how common it is, as the general advice given on here is that you should LTB once any act of infidelity has occurred, as it'll 'happen again'.

I honestly believe that no one should ever trust anyone else 100%. I believe everyone is capable of cheating, whether they get the opportunity or not is more the key.

It just depends if you get enough enjoyment out of the relationship to be able to deal with your feelings op.

Yes, and I am really sorry I didn't leave the first time.

So I guess it's literally just a case of once people have found 'the one', then they won't even cheat once, let alone twice.
This might be the case for some people, but I think there is definitely a type of person who wants to have their cake and eat it too, and makes an active choice to cheat e.g. the many married men you come across on dating sites

I don't think it is a case of once a cheater always a cheater necessarily. I have never cheated but I am very close to one couple who, at a very difficult time early on in their relationship, both had one night stands once, deeply regretted it, both confessed and went on to be happily monogamous for decades.

I do however think if someone has a pattern of cheating, has done it for extended periods etc then it is unlikely that is ever going to change. Part of that is the ability of people like that to sustain a lie for long periods of time - it's fundamental dishonesty to someone you are supposed to care about and I think if someone is able to do that easily without too much guilt then that's a specific personality trait which doesn't really change.

Cheated another 4 times with various women.
Don't even know why I carried it on

**he cheated! Not me, I meant I don't know why I carried the relationship on

@leomama81 I think you've hit the nail on the head there. If someone can go for long periods of time lying to their SO then that's probably not something they grow out of. In my ex's case I think it's that he was fundamentally selfish and his needs and wants came first so if he wanted something/someone then he just did it without much consideration as to who he would hurt and never took responsibility for his actions. He felt entitled to do what he did because HE was missing something in the relationship, hence the lack of guilt. Then the excuses came - if X had done/been Y I wouldn't have done it, etc. People like that don't really change their way of thinking.

It doesn't sound like that was necessarily the case for you OP. I do believe people can change but it's more likely for some than others.

Yes repeatedly. Some I only found out about once we'd split up others. He has continued to cheat on subsequent partners something he hasn't hidden very well from dc which colours their view of him. I've also received texts that were not for me or for the current gf which showed it still going on.

I suspect if you lack the moral fibre to remain faithful then it’s an inherent personality failing and unlikely to change.
I wouldn’t give someone a second chance.

People cheat because something isn't right in their relationship

Not always the case. I think there are many different reasons, and many situations, so it's too simplistic to say this.

I know one bloke, for example, who is a massively arrogant, entitled arsehole, who cheats because he feels entitled to bed any woman he fancies (most women I know do their best to stay off his radar), while at the same time happy to have a nice unsuspecting wife at home, keeping the house and looking after the DC. He's the only person I've known who is that obvious about it, and I'm pretty sure that the DW does know. I'm nowhere near close enough to her to help her though.

I also know someone who had a ONS stand when drunk, at present he and his DW are working on their marriage, but it's early days so who knows?