To ask SAHPs for some words of advice/encouragement

[Laurel12]

Tomorrow I am going for a meeting at work in which I will say I will be leaving my job permanently (following 12 months of maternity leave). I am happy and comfortable with the decision - my partner, who agrees, has a very demanding job and we live abroad so have no family support network here - but I cannot help but feel very anxious. I am scared about leaving my career behind (temporarily) but do not feel comfortable with putting my son in full-time childcare given our situation. Can any stay at home partners give me some words of comfort and encouragement in this conflicting time?

Sorry if this doesn't come out right, I'm on a train with a very dodgy phone that refuses to type properly!!

The best person who can take care of a child is YOU.

You can always begin a career, you can never get back time with your family. No amount of money you can earn can buy back this time.

Read horror stories from nurseries, childcare providers...that will help!

While having time off, you can do courses to keep relevant in your career path, or perhaps a new career path?

Hope those help!

I live abroad too, so I also do not have the luxury of having family near by. I used to be a lawyer before taking 10 years out of work to be a full time parent. During this time I was lonely, bored, happy, sad, excited and miserable. Now my children are older I am so pleased with my decision. I got to experience everything with them. They're extremely well rounded and well behaved teens now who feel very close to me. I've been there for every single moment of their lives. Nothing is worth more than that.
During my ten years of being a stay at home parent, I did my PhD. I never returned to being a lawyer, I now teach law at a university. It gives me a great work/life balance.

The worst thing about deciding to be a stay at home mum was justifying it to people who I didn't need to. That's where the negative emotions mentioned above came from. I always was made to feel like I was wasting my life and time being home. That I'd become a worthless and unproductive member of society. That I was a burden on my husband financially.... The reality is though, I was doing the most important and incredible 'job' I could ever do. I was contributing, albeit in a different way. Those mums who looked down on me for staying home, most of them have children who were brought up latch key, they're not close to their children and their children are pretty much little bum holes these days due to never having any parents to punish or praise them or give them any attention. Obviously, not all children of working parents are like this, these are just the ones I used to be close to.

Good luck OP.

But this has already turned into another SAHM v evil working Mum thread, yawn.

I love what @Hellofromtheotherside2020 has said.
@honeylulu I don't think it's worth pitting working mums against stay at home mums. The fact is OP is going to be a stay at home mum so let's list and discuss the benefits of that. If you disagree then this isn't the thread for you.

I have been a SAHM for 15 years, it wasn't exactly planned we relocated with Dh's job when I had just Ds1 so I left my own job when we moved. I didn't return to work as we were planning Ds2 and financially the move improved Dh's salary and housing was cheaper.

But I have been married for over 20 years which offers me more protection ie marital home etc, and we had a full and frank discussion about finances, access to money, responsibility for housework as well as expectations about his involvement with the child/children.

He was and still is the man who drops everything to be with his children, is off work on their birthdays, attended all sports days, occasional assemblies at school, came through the door after work and immediately picked up Ds and made me a cup of tea. So I knew we had a good relationship, we could be honest with each other.

It is a hell of a leap of faith to be reliant on someone else for money and if your relationship breaks down you can be homeless. I have read that enough times on the relationships board. You have less automatic rights if you are unmarried. I do not know which country you are in and how it views women so find out.

Other than that, it can be lonely so create a support network but it is also the best decision we ever made. Because Ds1 had always been in a nursery as I worked, we still kept in him for 1 day a week. With Ds2 he was a poorly baby so he just did a little playgroup when he was 2. I loved doing the school run, made some lovely friends. We are a close family and I have two lovely sons aged 16 and 13.

It feels right for you so do it. Just keep any skills up to date in case at some point you want to work school hours/part time/full time.

I gave up my career to stay at home with my two and I do not regret it. It is very hard sometimes and having people look down on you for not working is very frustrating, but really it says more about them than you. They have no idea what is involved in being a stay at home parent.

Make sure you are financially protected should you and your partner split, marriage could be worth considering if it makes sense.

What stood out to me is that you are not married and you live abroad. What would happen if you split? Your relationship may be rock solid but you should never give up your financial independence without a reasonable back up plan. Would a split would leave you impoverished and trapped in a foreign country?

As pp said, make sure you don’t feel vulnerable financially- that includes pension arrangements.

As long as you are married and you have thought about your pension go for it. Don't burn your bridges with work though. The toddler years can be tough.

I became a sahp recently due to illness. I hope to return to part time work in the near future. Finances are not an issue due to unusual wider family circumstances.

Pros:
Today I have a cold and I could stay at home and rest without spreading germs around the workplace.

I get a lot of pain with my condition and I can rest and do things at my own pace when I feel unwell.

Having more time to get jobs done around the house in the daytime means evenings are more relaxed.

I'm the one collecting my DCs from school, not a childminder, so if they've had a bad day we can talk it through. They really like coming home and playing rather than going to childcare.

I can attend assemblies, plays etc easily.

D H works abroad often for a few days at a time. Working out which meetings I could attend and pick up the children whilst he was away was a headache when I was working. I also had to work from home in the evenings. Now DH can do his hobby when he wants without checking if I'll be home for the children.

I've finished Christmas and birthday shopping and have offered to help with school fundraising events. All the school admin, forms etc is done easily. I help the DCs with homework and hear them read without it being a rush.

Appointments are done in school time. Occasionally I'll meet friends for a coffee. I'm in the house and can take deliveries, let workmen in etc.

I can keep the children at home when they are ill, have inset days etc without worrying.

Cons:

DH is fine about me not working but I do feel I want to contribute to family finances again.

I feel less useful and miss being a professional.

I miss the work social side.

Hope that helps. I worked part time after both maternity leaves and feel glad I did but there were times when it was very difficult.

Left my career when DS was 1.5 years as felt I was missing too much but to be honest it was also the commute, nursery drop-offs and him being frequently ill at nursery that became too stressful. Don’t regret it. He’s now 3 and a very happy boy. We do loads together and he has lots of friends. I don’t miss the juggle and work have asked me back but I don’t want to yet. Some days can be monotonous if it’s raining but we are out and about most days seeing things and he’s been exposed to a lot and I enjoy having time for him.

If you are not married, DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB. Please just read around the boards on here to understand why that is an awful idea.

Giving notice was the best thing ever!! I had a huge weight off my shoulders and could finally just focus on my kids. Just try to stay in contact with your colleagues/manager and leave things on good terms in case you ever change your mind! Also recommend taking some online courses or pursuing a further degree for the future when/if you decide to go back. Just don't burn any bridges and try to keep doors open just in case :).

I'm a SAHM and these are the things I love about it
If there is ever a bad nights sleep I can have a cheeky sofa nap
I get to all the school events, can help with trips, and do all pick ups and drop offs
I can get things done during the school day
I can take my youngest to swimming lessons during school time, and to parks and soft play when it's only other pre schoolers there
I am my own boss - if I fancy a day sobbing then I can. If I fancy going to a national trust or beach I can
Being able to prep for Christmas with kids out of house (youngest just started nursery)
Helping my youngest with everything from socializing to counting, having loads of time together
I put the tv on for my kids so I can get jobs done or have time to myself
No worries about covering sick days
Can go to gp or dentist whenever, dont need permission from work
Time to cook nice dinners for everyone

I've worked with a 1 year old and it was manageable but there were times it was really hard. I've had difficult moments as s SAHM too but nothing as challenging. It's not for everyone but a supportive partner makes all the difference.

My stand is a SAHP and I work full time. It has worked for us, but it took a while to get the balance right, especially with things like money, so that you don’t lose your autonomy and independence.

My husband has done a degree and a masters with the OU, which has given him his own outlet.

It has certainly made my life as a working parent a million times easier and I am forever grateful that he did it. I don’t need to worry about arranging childcare for illness or random inset days at school. I work in a mainly female environment and see how difficult the balance can be for other families, so I don’t take him for granted.

Your partner or your husband?

If a partner, I wouldn't give up my job.

I'm not a SAHP but my experience on Mumsnet tells me you should work or get married

Hi Laurel.

I’ve been a SAHM for 6 years now. I feel this from a pp really sums
It up “ The worst thing about deciding to be a stay at home mum was justifying it to people who I didn't need to. That's where the negative emotions mentioned above came from. I always was made to feel like I was wasting my life and time being home. That I'd become a worthless and unproductive member of society. That I was a burden on my husband financially.... The reality is though, I was doing the most important and incredible 'job' I could ever do”

My oldest started school this year and, my goodness, it made me realise how quickly the preschool years go.

This has been - this is - such a precious time. All those days when we went to the park in the morning to meet friends and didn’t come home til dusk. The hours and hours of children curled up on my lap with huge piles of books. The impromptu lunchtime dance parties, the painting messes, crawling round soft plays. The little hands holding mine and leading me round the supermarket, the garden, the library. First words, first steps, first tantrums.

And sometimes it has been a boring time. Sometimes it has been a tough time. Sometimes I am done with playing cars, or wiping bums, or brokering arguments, or holding arms that are lashing out. But there is, of course, no one to hand over to.
Sometimes DH leaves in the morning with an apologetic look on his face

But I wouldn’t change it. I am feeling ready to return to work now, and I am struggling with what I am going to do, and I am struggling with the question of... what can I do that is more important than being with my children? But I feel now that I need it for me.

Sorry for such a long post. I promise you are going to have so much fun. Just make sure that you and your DH both really know how valuable what you are doing is. And don’t be afraid to change it when the time feels right for that.

Don’t even consider this if you are unmarried.

I am a SAHM, divorced. If I hadn’t been married, I’d have been fucked!

Also consider your rights to leave under the hauge convention.

You say you live overseas—whereabouts?

I’ve been a SAHM for 8 years, with small periods here and there for freelancing. I’ve been freelancing more lately, now that my children are 8 and 6. Anyway, I’ve mostly adored the ride, and it helps that I live in an area dominated by at-home or flexible work schedule parents, so creating a friend network has been effortless.

I’m very close to my kids, and they definitely appreciate my ability to always be there for sports practices, school volunteering etc.

If you’re unmarried, get married. Do you currently own a home together?

Rainycloudyday
If you are not married, DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB. Please just read around the boards on here to understand why that is an awful idea.

This. I would be rich if I had a pound for every thread I have read on here where the woman is absolutely confident her partner is so lovely that he will treat her fairly, including financially but then they split up and she and the children are effectively thrown out of their home and given no financial help at all. Having been out of a job for however many years usually also means you will never get back in your previous career which will in all probability result in a minimum wage job.

As you are abroad you have the added problem of requiring his permission to return to the UK . If he refuses you will be stuck in that country until the children come of age.

You’re feeling anxious because this would be an incredibly unwise decision to make, OP, especially in your specific circumstances. Think again.

You are quite vulnerable as a non-married SAHP leaving abroad. You need to think about what would happen in the event of a split and urgently.

I’m part-time but the biggest advantages I see for friends that are SAHMs is time, freedom and the ability to put the children first in a way that is harder when you’re working. While everyone talks about pre-school, I actually think the biggest advantage of being a SAHP is during the primary years. My child starts next year but I am already feeling stressed about juggling staggered starts, holidays, breakfast clubs, after school activities, play dates, homework etc and feel like mine will miss out on working days.

Fellow SAHM here

Pros

You get to see every milestone

More time with kids

Partners days off can be spent doing things as a family as all the housework has been kept on top of

You can get a dog

Ability to plan and do great activities with kids

Easier to provide healthier meals that take time to cook

Can grow / raise your own cooking ingredients (allotment in the garden, chickens in the yard)

Sense of pride in your home, kids and family

No pressure to do / have it all (work, housework and raise children as if you are only doing one)

Ability to attend groups, clubs and assemblies with the children

Cons

Hard work trying to juggle babies and cooking and cleaning - and the expectation that after the initial hard baby stage you will do the majority of the cleaning, especially if partner works long hours

You won’t enter back into work in the same position you left

You have to put in the effort to make a support network, it can get lonely if you don’t have friends

If you are not married, DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB. Please just read around the boards on here to understand why that is an awful idea

This times a million. Couldn't say that more forcefully.

There is a, quite frankly, frightening recent thread from a woman who devoted her life to being a sahm to 3 children, with no career to go back to, no financial security or career of her own and unmarried. This is truly an awful situation to put yourself in and especially abroad. Don't do it.

Sense of pride in your home, kids and family

I'm puzzled as to why you think this is specific to being a SAHM, @Thecathouse. And surely you must see that in the OP's situation any 'pro's fade beside the potentially appalling consequences of giving up work, unmarried and in a foreign country.

Thank you all so much for your input and advice. I resigned today and spent a good 30 minutes reading these in the car after the meeting. I feel much more confident in my decision.

For those worried about marriage, we are getting married soon. We own a property together as well as our respective cars... And dog! Having this security is important to us both.