To think my sister is full of .....

[Mumof21989]

Hello all. My sister is a year older than me. She had kids first. Hers are 7 and 13. Mine are 4 and 1. I feel like she has always been the one in the family that has gotten away with everything and it's like it's always forgotten.

My sister left home at sixteen. Moved in with her boyfriend and stopped speaking to my parents. 18 months later she comes back pregnant with my nephew. This was her neighbours baby as she had ended up meeting him over the fence and falling for him. When my nephew's a year old she moves back home with us splits from the dad (I'm still 17) my parents got her everything for her son back then. There were many times she couldn't even buy his nappies or milk. I love my nephew and sister and always helped her out too as I worked.

She got a council house. Met another bloke who was younger than her (19 she was 23) she then went onto have my niece. When she got with him there house became filthy. He is a farmer and he literally walks through the house with his boots on and sits on the sofa with his dirty overalls. He brings tools home and his work dogs stink and live in the house. Without sounding like a judgemental horrible person the kids have grown up in filth. My sister is also prone to leaving the washing up for a couple of days and it's cluttered up everywhere. They eventually got moved to another council house and they have continued to live the same way. There children continued to go to the school they were at that was 3 miles away from their house. Took them 50 minutes to walk it or a bus. Twice a day! Usually walked it. After two years of this my nephew started secondary school and she moved her youngest to the local school.

My DD started school in September and I looked at a few schools. I decided to check out the Ofsted's etc. Our nearest school is 7 minutes away and another 10. The one that's 10 minutes away if rife with bullying and rubbish results. This was my niece and nephews school. My niece is now having extra help at her new school as she is that behind. I decided to go for one that's one mile away on foot. Yes my DD would be walking 25 minutes each way but it had outstanding behaviour and I really liked what I saw. My family all had their Jokes and opinions. I was a snob. I was an idiot going that far. I personally don't want my kids to be lazy anyway so they walk it and they are fine. I take snacks etc.

I was on the phone to my sister this morning. Talking about my cousin's child who is due to start secondary in September. Her mum has driven her everywhere her whole life and now they think the school a mile from their house is too far for this child to walk. I said they need to get her practising because there are no schools closer and she could walk it in 20 minutes and eventually walk with friends. My sister said well I wouldn't want to do what your doing either. I said to her your kids walked 3 miles to school for 2 years. She said that's different because I had too.

I sent my daughter to a nursery 2 afternoons a week when she was 3 until she started school. We did change it to one afternoon just before she started school due to our son getting really ill and ending up in hospital due to the viruses she brought home. My sister has said right from my DD being two I should send her to a pre school that runs on the hours 9.00 until 11.45 mon-fri. This was where her kids went. I said I didn't want her to be out every day and I wanted days with her still so we could do other things. I told her I liked us meeting friends etc too. I would loose her to school at 4 anyway so I didn't see the need to rush. My sister said it's for a year and you just get on with it. I further explained it would take 25 minutes to get there and another 25 to get back. My son would be stuck in his pushchair everyday all morning. It would be too much. She basically said it's what you have to do for your kids. She refused to accept that nursery was what we wanted and it was a good experience.

Anyway she brought it up again last week that my daughter is probably shy because I never got her Into pre school and told me that's what we have to do to help our kids. I don't intend on sending my son either to this pre school as it won't work around the school hours. She told me that the reason my kids were so Ill last year was because of nursery and she said clearly nursery didn't work out for you last time. She continued to say parents have to put themselves out for their kids.

She seems to think she's always right and she's always put her kids first. I'm absolutely sick of her not seeing that she has been far from perfect over the years and her son walks 45 mins to school everyday now. Also on weekends they walk 2 miles to their sports center to do clubs.

Anyone else think she's trying to make me feel rubbish to make herself feel better?

I think this sounds petty and you both need to stop taking about it if it riles you up so much.

I personally think brevity is your friend here if you want to get proper replies to your question. I struggled to follow a lot of the "thread" of your argument.

Do I have it summarised correctly that

• Your sister has lived a slightly impulsive life, therefore you don't feel she has the right to judge any choices you make
• Your sister believes that your DD is shy because you didn't send her to pre-school. She sent her DCs to pre-school and thinks it's the best way.
• You feel that because her children walk long distances etc, she is trying to make you feel bad to justify her life choices?

Is that all correct?

Personally I would ignore her - you are making the best choices for your DCs and that should be that. Comparison and envy are the thieves of joy. Just ignore and carry on.

I think you are over sharing with her. It works well in families that are supportive of each other but can be very hurtful in ones that are not!

Just tell her you are doing exactly what she did, making decisions that are best for you and your kids and then stop checking in with her so much. As in stop phoning her and offering up opportunities for her to criticise you! Get busy doing 'stuff'!

No, I think you're both doing the best you can as all mums do to do what you think is best for YOUR kids. There is nothing you have said that suggests either of you have patented wrong, you've just made different decisions in life. Just let it go to be honest... it's not that big a deal. Let her do things her way and you do them yours

There is a lot of irrelevant and judgmental information here, I don’t see why you’ve mentioned your parents helped her when she was young and pregnant. I would help my 16 year old daughter if she was pregnant- can you say you wouldn’t help your daughter if she got pregnant young? Also it seems like a non issue, really petty and you just need to grow up and get over it.

Really? You cannot see why anyone would be human enough to make judgements about their nearest and dearest and be bemused by the unequal tretament between siblings?

Petty? Yes. Need to grow up? Yes. But FFS let her do it in her own time without being so highly judgmental yourself! We all go through phases like this.. it is part of growing up!

The comment about your daughter being shy because she didn't go to nursery would piss me off. I went to nursery and was so shy I had to withdraw and go back a few months later. Guess what? I was still shy then and all the way through school, it's just how some kids are.

It sounds like she's one of these people who like to think they always know what is best because she did it first, but every child is different, every family is different, as is what suits them so I'd just change the subject when she brings it up in future because it's a battle no one will win.

I can’t get over the fact that you think 50 minutes, 45 minutes, and 25 minute walks are long! I used to walk for an hour to get to school - most people did - is it really a big deal? You seem terribly preoccupied by these short walks being too long for you all. Sorry, I’ve missed the point of the post but I can’t get past this. It seems so odd to me.

Children who don’t go to the pre-school where they start school do take longer to make friends / break into established friendship groups than those who were part of it from the beginning. Could that be what she meant? Honestly you are judging her / your cousin and if it shows so clearly in your post it’s probably really obvious to her and the other people who know you. You sometimes do need to keep your opinions to yourself.

Sounds like you are both very different people, with deferent lifestyles and opinions.

And, as my boss used to say 'opinions we like arseholes, everyone has one'

I think you should just agree to disagree. You are both not bu.

@CuriousaboutSamphire no I actually can’t see why anyone would do that, I also can’t see why you’re so riled up by what I said. Calm down a bit.

You seem to judge each other a lot and that includes your niece needing extra help (which may not be anyone's fault).

As said, you need to stop sharing so much which is inviting an opinion.

Even if none of you helped when she had her first pregnancy, she would have managed, so stop expecting her to feel eternally grateful and in awe of you.

Wow! The Jeremy Kyle show on Mumsnet!

I actually can’t see why anyone would do that, I also can’t see why you’re so riled up by what I said. Calm down a bit.

Hardly riled up, just amused by the judgement in your posts, whilst decrying OPs judgement.

It sounds as though, even though you disapprove of your much of the way your sister lives her life, you still feel an element of competition with her and also a need for her approval.
You don’t need anyone’s approval. You don’t need to somehow ‘beat’ your sister at life. If you feel confident in your choices, why does it matter what she thinks? It’s not as though you look up to her and aspire to be like her.
Is this perhaps really about your parents? Are you disappointed that you don’t receive sufficient acknowledgment from them that you have made better choices? Nobody’s judgement of you matters here; only your own. Stop trying to justify yourself to someone who has different priorities and values.

It's not about her choices or mine. It's that she is constantly rude and telling me I've made the wrong choice. Nursery, schools distance. It's that she feels the need to belittle me like I don't know what's best or right that gets to me. Even when I was having my second baby she told me to stop stressing over who would be available to have my eldest. She said I'd have hours to find someone who is free. She said she had five hours before going to hospital. My labour was 2.5 hours and I really didn't have much time to get my child to someone. She refuses to hear my views on things.

I'm not knocking my niece at all. The school she was at originally said she was on target with everything. The new school said she was rubbish at maths English reading and spelling. My sister was shocked. I just meant the school near me was rubbish and has 1 out of five stars on the school targets. Its full of bullying. I brought that up to state I choose a school further away which had better scores and Ofsted.

I don't think 25 mins or 45 mins is far to walk. I think kids should walk if they can. I think being healthy is important. That's why I said my 11 year old cousin needs to get used to it now before she is doing it for real. Her mum can't drive her to school so therefore they should prepare her.

The reason I brought up her past was because she acts like she never gets it wrong and when I state she did the same she says that was different I had no choice. I'm not moaning about my daughter going to school further away. I like the school run and enjoy the walk. I am fed up of her telling me she doesn't understand why I want to commit to ten years of it. I've never picked at her her choices and therefore don't appreciate her constantly putting me down.

Yes it is pretty but my parents still buy her kids uniforms etc and don't do it for my child as we are not as hard up. She's had thousands of pounds of them.

I don't expect her to be in awe of me at all. I expect her to appreciate I've been good to her over the years and no she wouldn't of managed with out our help. The child had no nappies or a roof over his head. I bought him clothes because his toes were curled up in his sleepsuits. I paid for his coat in winter when he would of been cold. My parents paid for his pram. It's not about me getting praise for helping her. It's about her not being so rude to me and forgetting she's led a far from perfect life herself.

I think you're both as bad as each other, tbh. Make your choices, leave her to make hers and stop giving mental space to her comments. Just smile, nod and do what you were going to do anyway...

@CuriousaboutSamphire of course you’re not riled up. You are the epitome of calm.

It does sound frustrating and as though she’s just not particularly nice. She has different values from you and she is not likely to ever appreciate your help. It does sound as though she puts you down because it helps her to feel better about herself. You can’t change her. You can only change how you react to her. There’s nothing you can do but take a step back and disengage a little. If she can’t be friendly and supportive of your life, then she needn’t have the details.
If you don’t let her get to you, she won’t have the satisfaction that she currently seems to get from putting you down. The best revenge is living well. Practice a few things you can say when she tries to goad you. Give her a big smile and instead of justifying yourself just tell her you’re very happy with your decision and things are working well for you. Rise above. It’ll probably annoy the tits off her and save you from frustration.