Friend’s birthday - What should I do?

[NCbday]

(NC for this)

So one of my very close friend’s 40th birthday is coming up at next month, and her best friend is organising a day out with various activities for it (birthday friend is aware so not a surprise but hasn’t been involved in the planning as she’s in a particularly busy period with work). I had previously said that I’d help with some of the prior arranging and some aspects of the day; sorting travel for guests, organising a last minute activity to replace an earlier cancellation, buying food, organising and collecting birthday present to be given on the day, etc. However as it’s drawing nearer and there’s a lot left to do, I’m really not feeling up to it.

As some background, I’m currently going through a period of depression and have young DC who I’m sole parenting during this time, due to my DH having to temporarily move away for work (no end date in sight as to when he won’t be needed at this particular office as yet, so no idea when he’ll be back with us), which is also causing a fair bit of relationship strain that I’m really struggling with.

Basically, would I be a terribly selfish bitch to renege on my offers of help and also not attend? I just don’t feel as though I have the mental space to devote to it all, and highly doubt I’d be much company on the day, but the guest list is limited so one less person will be noticed. It’s all making me feel like an awful friend and I don’t know how best to handle it!

Are your friends aware of your struggles OP?
If not they may feel put out.
No one can tell you you are wrong for how you feel, depression can be debilitating. Could you back out of the organising (tell them sooner rather than later) , and still attend?

If I were your friend, OP, I would completely understand why your life stresses have made you unable to help out or attend. I don't think you'd be unreasonable at all. Take good care of yourself, your mental health is important! This does not make you an awful friend.

But do reconsider if you're not attending because you worry you'll be shit company. Your brain is likely lying to you and it might make you feel better! In the long and short of it, you know yourself and what you can and cannot cope with. Be honest with your friend.

If it's a good friend just call her and explain. She will understand and be supportive, if she isn't then she isn't a good friend.

Personally I would call and say that you don't think you can make it due to your personal issues but that if they can keep a flexible spot open you never know how you'll feel on the day and may turn up but if you feel like you do today/recently then it won't be possible.

Friends are there exactly for times like this, a true friend will put your mental health above their own ego.

I think you’d regret pulling out. I also think having something else to focus on might help you. Maybe be honest with the best friend about your struggles but I would stay involved if you possibly can.

I think you should still play a part, just scale it back.

Be honest.

I would make the effort for a 40th birthday

Friends are there exactly for times like this, a true friend will put your mental health above their own ego.

Or having a mh problem doesn't give you the monopoly on feelings?

You're friend will be disappointed. She has every right to be just as you have every right to do what you think is best for your mental health. Concentrating on yourself and your family to get better is the important bit.

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

They are aware but not with the day to day of it. Rightly or wrongly, I don’t talk about it very much, so they’re possibly not aware of the extent of the issue.

It might sound silly but I’m feeling like because it’s such a special birthday, I don’t want to tell her and make the ocassion about me. Not attending seems like an easy way to avoid that, but I don’t know if that’s necessarily right? Would me not attending actually make it moreso about me?

It’s also just that, selfishly, I think I’ll find the day quite a lot, and so as well as feeling like rubbish company, I think I’d struggle to but a brave face on so to speak and enjoy myself. I’m a bit of a dweller who finds it hard to take my mind off things, unfortunately!

@WestSideSnorey That would be ideal, but sadly wouldn’t be possible. I need to commit very soon as to whether I’ll able to be there or not, so as not to complicate matters with numbers, transport, deposits, etc.

Hmm, I'm on the fence. If it was just a regular catch up then fair enough to give it a miss if you don't feel up to it, but I'd be a bit hurt if one of my oldest friends didn't make any effort to come to my 40th birthday.

Can you compromise and say unfortunately due to your DH being away and you having a lot on your plate with having to solely look after the kids, you won't be able to help with organising the day like you'd hoped, but still go along on the day itself, even if it's just for a few hours rather than a whole day you can always blame not having childcare for the whole day / evening as an excuse to go early

Not telling and just not showing up will definitely make it all about you as then she'll be wondering all day what happened and if she did something to upset you.

Be honest before the day. Then she can have a good day without having to be upset about your no show.