To think my child will never be able to follow a simple instruction?

[Herewegoagain84]

My DD is 2.9 and we’re truly going through the “terrible twos” - tantruming over everything / favourite word is no / everything is a battle (assuming all normal!). It’s really wearing me down - I’m getting to the end of my tether, so I’ve started to read a few books recommended to me in hopes of trying out some new techniques ( e.g. “how to talk so little kids will listen” etc).

Making things into a game/coming up with imaginary scenarios etc do seem to help - but it’s a huge amount of effort every time I want to get a sock on her to make up another inventive elaborate scenario she will go for.

AIBU to think all this permanent cajoling and coddling (“modern” parenting) mean she’ll never actually just do the thing I’m asking with no associated interesting game or story? Is this just a phase I need to get through, and one day she’ll just go and brush her teeth when asked?!

Worried these books are encouraging me to play into her hands too much and will create a monster!

I think that’s exactly what they will do. I would suggest just waiting it out, keep repeating the instruction kindly and praise the behaviour you want to see. Bin the imaginary scenarios.

Agree with church. Just keep explaining what you need her to do - no imaginary scenarios or you'll exhaust yourself.
Sometimes a bit of choice works ie 'this coat or this coat?' 'shall I brush your teeth or daddy?'. Ie both scenarios that you're happy with and get the job done, but give her the feeling of some control.
It's a tough age hang on in there!

Never heard of inventing imaginary scenarios so not sure I totally get it.

My little one is 2.5, and I find giving her choices helps- like the ones pp mentioned. “Which foot do you want the sock on first?”, “water in the blue cup or yellow?” etc. I do some games for tidying and do help her too but not constantly. I find explaining why we do things can help a lot too, like “you need a coat on so we can go to the park because it’s cold outside”, then if I get a no say “you need a coat on before we go to the park” and repeat! Def doesn’t stop all tantrums but does seem to limit them a lot.

You will be fine. It all gets better - I promise.

I think it's crucial you ensure that what you have asked happens. Eg even if you have to physically go and grab her and hold her to brush her teeth. If you just let it go even one time, it makes the toddler think it's optional.

Another one for sticking to old fashioned approach - repeat, repeat, repeat again. I don't cajole. I also give no attention while I am not being obeyed, and these days I build in extra time in the mornings so I'm never rushed into giving up/in.

A sharp shock also helps.

My then 2.5 year old was refusing to get dressed. He was put in the car and brought to creche with no clothes on.
He didn't do that again.
We have had many similar situations, where I just say, I am not arguing with you, either put your shoes on or you are going to school with no shoes.
I have followed through and he knows I will.
It's hard going, have cried many times but things are getting better at 5.5 years.
He is a stubborn little bollox but he didn't like it off the floor

I do give choices (blue pants or orange etc) and I do simply say: well we aren't going unless the coat is on.

This isn't a go-er for an unpopular outing of course. For those i am just brisk, no asking, I tell.

Just persevere. Always remember you are the parent and are in control. Giving choices is fine once they are older but when little instructions mostly with the occasional either or choice. Keep language clear and simple

I agree with everyone else, cut the crap and get it done. Give appropriate choices when you can but beyond that it’s no discussion. The expectation is that the thing will happen, and there is no alternative.

I have a toddler of a similar age and it gets draining. I find he gets selective hearing and will waste time when we are trying to leave the house. I am trying to give him two chances and then physically carry him. It's harder with getting him to help with tidying up toys but we absolutely do not move on before it's done and I try to be really specific, like "put the blue train in the basket, bring me the tractor" etc.

I also am not afraid of just a flat "no" and then ignore or distract if he is getting a bit "i want, i want, i want"

I kind of know what you mean, OP. All the "yum yum, here's Mr Sock and he wants to eat your toes" stuff is ok sometimes, but you can't spend all day doing it. And I know a lot of people on here really rate How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen but I found that it just made my three year-old more manipulative. She just started trying to use the techniques on me, e.g. sympathizing with and naming my feelings then telling me why we couldn't do what I wanted and suggesting a solution ("I'm sorry, mummy, you're disappointed that you can't do the food shopping. The problem is that we need to go to the playground instead. How about we go to the shop next time when we're not in a hurry?").

Things that I find do work are staying calm and offering limited choices.

@screwtheclockchange

"She just started trying to use the techniques on me, e.g. sympathizing with and naming my feelings then telling me why we couldn't do what I wanted and suggesting a solution ("I'm sorry, mummy, you're disappointed that you can't do the food shopping. The problem is that we need to go to the playground instead. How about we go to the shop next time when we're not in a hurry?")"

I properly LOL'ed at that! That is exactly what my kids would do! Turn the tables to try to out-psyche me

Calm, firm and unswerving. When in tantrum mode I would get right down to their level and speak very quietly, repeating 2 choices or what needed to happen.

"I'm sorry, mummy, you're disappointed that you can't do the food shopping. The problem is that we need to go to the playground instead. How about we go to the shop next time when we're not in a hurry?"

Please tell me your daughter grew up to join the diplomatic service...

I honestly thought, by the title, that this would be a nine year old or something. She's two and a half. You're expecting too much!

Mine was a tantrumming, oppositional, defiant nightmare at that age. Battle lines were drawn every sodding morning.

My advice, don't give in but yes give limited choices on some things. Don't back down, it can be a real power struggle at times!

Mine has completely grown out of this nonsense thankfully (aged 5)

Ugh. I totally fell for what the books said and you are absolutely right, OP. They love all the imaginary games and attention and feel entitled to it now. They can be absolute horrors, and it's difficult now for other relatives who aren't so good at prancing around and indulging them The things that I just went tough and no games on (straps in the car) caused screaming at the beginning, but no fuss later on.

That. Is. Hilarious. 😂

My dd was like this about wellies so one day I thought fuck it and let her go out without wellies on. Cold wet concrete had her come straight back in and putting on her own wellies. She never pulled that stunt again.

So grateful for all these comments - thank you! Seems I’m not going to damage her if I toughen up a bit. Getting exhausted with trying to do it a way that makes her happy. @Screwtheclockchange that is hilarious though shows how these things can backfire! Will try and follow my instincts rather than books and hopefully survive until she’s over it!