Not to let 17 year old dd go to this party?

[QualitySweet]

Dd is just 17, year 12. The friendship groups have been shaken up a lot since the start of 6th form and she's been hanging out with some new people.

She wants to go to a house party, on a school night. She's never mentioned the friend who's birthday it is, but she says there's going to be a lot of people there. Drinking and stuff, usual teen party.

My reasoning for not wanting her to go is
-She's never mentioned the friend before, if she had I might feel differently
-The house is out in the sticks, she can't stay over and she's too scared to get an uber apparently so I'll have to stay up until stupid o'clock in the morning to go and get her, plus she'll be tired at school the next day
-She hasn't been doing too well at school, messing around in lessons, not doing homework, showing up late.

Aibu to say she can't go? I know she's 17 but I still think my house my rules.

My Dd startes College by the time she was 17 I didn't really know any of her friends

I wouldn't allow it based on She hasn't been doing too well at school, messing around in lessons, not doing homework, showing up late. If she was doing okay and showing the right attitude to school, I'd probably indulge one night but not if she's already taking the piss at school.

I'd let her go but drop her off and pick her up. Pick her up at 11pm(?), it's kinder than her not going at all.

Lots of people are saying about what they did at this age, in their day, but it has all enormously changed since then. Eg everything is far more expensive, curriculum is much harder so most children of this age don't work, so no income. Licensing laws completely different so they can't go out to pubs and clubs. General feeling of world being more dangerous means 17 year olds are much more protected than they were in 80s/90s. Also that generation have been brought up hyper aware of danger so are normally v anxious. It all adds up to it not at all being the same as back in the day!

Does she work? Or would you pay for taxi? (In referance to question of "Why can't she get a taxi?' mentioned above.)

I can’t imagine my mums face if I’d have asked her permission for this at 17.

I don’t think it’s your choice.
But YANBU to refuse to offer her a lift. That’s her problem.

We have a strict curfew on a school night for my 6th former dd.

My 17 year old has had a lot of 18th birthday parties recently and some have been midweek. I advise her to be home by midnight and she always gets a taxi, she's fairly sensible though. I wouldn't say no though, she is almost an adult.

No way would I be staying up to pick her up, well I don't drive anyway.

Well I was grounded at 17 for staying at a nye party till 2 AM my mum came and gotme

I don't think you are being unreasonable if you have to stay up and give her a lift. I'd probably let her go providing she can get a lift back herself.

School night thing wouldnt bother me, I used to go out nearly every night. However I also got good grades so if this will affect her maybe not a good idea.

I think my main thought would be no because I wouldn't wait around playing taxi. The not knowing friend wouldn't bother me, my mum still gets my friends names confused now and she's known them forever. I think the social circles in sixth form are quite large usually.

No way - not on a school night. Why have a party then anyway? Sounds iffy to me.

At 17 I moved 100 miles away from my (very loving, supportive and protective) parents to live on campus at university. This wasn't too many years ago (much after the 80s/90s). Realistically I think the only thing you reasonably have a say in is whether she uses the taxi of Mum or not.

My ds is also in year 12 in a sixth form college, not 17 yet but several of his friends are and lots are still 16.

I am really relaxed over parties. He has a huge group of friends and has only made a few new ones at college as lots of his existing friends went with him, however, who on earth has a teenage party on a school night? It’s absolute madness and I don’t get why. Surely if the friend has a birthday mid week they have a party on the nearest weekend? Are you sure it’s actually a party?

What time has dd said she will want to come home? Ds doesn’t go out midweek apart from football and gym and I wouldn’t be impressed with this and he doesn’t even drink. I would say no.

If it wasn’t a school night I would say YABU but it is so you’re not

I’d say no on a school night even if it was a. Close friend sorry and my kids would t even have asked on a school night

I'd say you can't really tell her not to go at her age but you can tell her you won't be providing a lift.

I come from the 'they're 17 let them make their own decisions' school of thought. However that autonomy comes with responsibility to get your self there and back.

Yes she could go in my household but only if she got herself home. We all work and would not be making ourselves tired for someone else's good time!

I reckon she doesn’t actually want to go - she’s offered a lot of information and made it very difficult for herself if she does want to fob

IF SHE DOES WANT TO GO thanks autocorrect

I’d be a little sceptical about a party being held midweek. From my own experience of parties attended as a teen its more likely to be a tall tale or an unsupervised party both of which would be a red flag. Unfortunately for this generation of teenagers their parents were far wilder than they will ever be. Social media and cameras on phones makes it almost impossible to get away with anything.

I had moved out of home and was living with a boyfriend at this age.

There was no way I would have been partying when I had uni or work in the morning

If she's too scared to get an Uber then she's not mature enough to go

Following as I’m often in the same boat.

Gosh it’s so hard to parent teens as some teens have the relaxed parents and others still have rules.

I think if this was happening on a weekend, and she wasn't reliant on you for lifts (seriously if she's scared to get an Uber how will she cope at Uni potentially living alone etc?!) then I'd say yes. But in the circumstances I think saying no is very reasonable and fair.

She's 17, there'll be plenty of other parties! But be prepared to be the Worst Mum EVA over this

A big no from me. A midweek party? when her grades are suffering anyway? She wouldn't get an uber in my rural neck of the woods anyway and they don't have the best record. OP do you have to get to work/do things/look after children the next day - that would be another reason to say no. Even if she is 17 I would be asking to speak to the parents of the inviter because a midweek party sounds weird, especially one going on late.

Totally disagree about the uber. In my opinion if she's too scared to get a random uber at night by herself then she's bloody sensible as loads of women I know have had issues with inappropriate things said by drivers. At 17 I don't think you have a right to say no, she's old enough to go out on a school night and by pulling the 'under my roof' is why I moved out at 15 so not the best move.

The party is on a school night because that’s when the party house is free from adults/parents.
I wouldn’t be overly concerned about not knowing the party host. At 17 it would be impossible to know of or personally have met all of their friends and acquaintances.
Giving a lift to and from the party at silly o’clock wouldn’t bother me at all (I like doing lifts, it’s fun and you get to see where they actually go and sound out the other friends in the car and hear a lot of stories you wouldn’t otherwise get to know about).
However, a party on a school night is an absolute big fat No from me regardless of how badly or well the 17 year old is doing at school.