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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Where to start with this one?

12 replies

todayisnottuesday · 04/11/2019 17:44

Don't know where to start or post with this one, so thought I'd try my luck here. I'll try and paraphrase without drip feeding...

DS (age 13) has ASD and we've had a lot of things go wrong in the last couple of years, we were made homeless, we"ve had 2 very close bereavements, DS was being bullied pretty badly in his last school, started refusing to go, so I removed to him to home school as a last resort. The SEN there gave me no help whatsoever despite me contacting them numerous times. The council then decided to prosecute me for his poor attendance in the weeks leading up to that, I have a solicitor and it's due in court shortly.

I recently moved applied for a place in the school near here. The council then lost his file meaning he was off for a further 5 months. He started 3 days ago and was looking forward to a fresh start and chance to do his GCSE's. They knew about the previous bullying and have put SEN support in place for him, all seemed to be going well.

I got a call at work today to say DS had been assaulted by a pupil. Today was apparently his first day back after his 7th exclusion. He had been punched at least 8 times, his lip has been split, his nose was bleeding, his face is badly bruised and he has bumps on the back of his head where it was hit against the wall. The school were apologetic and said DS didn't instigate this or fight back, and that the boy involved has again been excluded. They've taken statements and it sounds like some friends of this boy have stirred up trouble saying my DS had been saying things about this boy, they are all now apparently denying this.

Then it got even better.... apparently, this boy lives next door to us. I've seen him about about and knew he went there, but have had no other contact with him or his parents, I keep myself to myself. I've had a few concerns about them as I've heard the Dad being violent, as well as threatening to other people, but I haven't said or done anything as I don't want to bring any trouble to my doorstep.

The property I am in is housing association, there are 6 houses and we all moved in at the same time. I spoke to the boy and his Mother, they are both blaming the other kids and a teacher for 'stirring things' as well as the boys ADHD and 'anger issues'. They both seem to now accept my DS didn't actually say anything about him, but seem to be of the opinion that he can't be blamed for what he did given that he'd been told my DS had been spreading rumours about him. The mother made several veiled threats when I spoke to them 'people know not to mess with us' etc. He's admitted calling my DS a fat cunt, but denies saying 'retarded' and says he didn't realise DS had autism but it's pretty obvious tbh. His Mum defended the 'fat' bit saying if he'd have been black they'd have called him a 'black cunt' instead, that 'it was just something to pick up on'. Lovely. I then said I couldn't believe she'd stand by and condone her DS being racist as well as violent and she told me to fuck off!

Took DS to be checked out - thankfully nothing is broken. DS was then scared to come home even though he loved it here before. I phoned the housing association to say what had happened and they say there is nothing they can do as it happened away from the houses. I spoke to the school who advised me to report it to the police, as they are unlikely to be able to permanently exclude him.

My DS is now in bed, in pain and in tears not understanding what he is supposed to have done while the boy next door is in the garden with his mates and his family seemingly happy as Larry. His Mum spoke to me as we got back, said she didn't want any trouble but made it clear she thinks its the other kids and teacher at fault for what happened, not her son.

I don't know what to do. I am so bloody angry and want to report it to the police, but am scared of the comeback from them given I have to live next door to these people. The school have been lovely, but I have no idea how I am going to get him back there again given what has now happened on top of all the bullying I tried to protect him from before. What shall I do?

OP posts:
Venger · 04/11/2019 18:07

Phone the police and report the assault. While you're reporting it make them aware of what the family are like and that you are worried for your safety, they will deal with that too.

Ring the Housing Association back and tell them that the family have made threats and the mother has been verbally abusive (told you to fuck off), you want to make a complaint of antisocial behaviour.

Call the Education Welfare Officer tomorrow and update them on what has happened. Ask them what support is going to be put in place to help get DS into school and what safeguarding will be put in place. Then phone school and ask them the same thing.

Next thing is to call your solicitor and update them. Get some legal advice on how to keep this boy and his family away from you and your DS given the assault.

Basically kick up a massive stink with everyone who should be working with you to provide your DS with safe access to an education.

ViciousJackdaw · 04/11/2019 18:14

I've heard the Dad being violent, as well as threatening to other people, but I haven't said or done anything as I don't want to bring any trouble to my doorstep

Violent to who? A woman? A child?

Thing is, it's likely that the boy concerned has learned this violent behaviour from his father. Ignoring it has meant opportunities to address it have been missed. Letting the boy continue to learn that you can get away with being violent. Meaning you have trouble on your doorstep.

todayisnottuesday · 04/11/2019 18:25

Meaning you have trouble on your doorstep.

Yes, I know that. Which is why I am scared to report this to the police. He was shouting and shoving another man outside not long after we moved here.

My ex was also vlolent. It doesn't give my Ds's an excuse to be violent nor do they use it as one. The family are already on police and SS radar, what was I supposed to do?

venger thank you. I want to ring the police but I am scared of the comeback. Housing association have already said they can't do anything as it didn't happen here.

OP posts:
LionKingLover · 04/11/2019 18:30

Your poor DS. This boy is learning his behaviour from his family so it's normal to him. Sorry no advice, just didn't want to read and run.

littlepaddypaws · 04/11/2019 18:33

this is so awful and sad in equal measures, i would speak with the police and let them get it on record. if there was any sort of come back at least the police are aware and the HA will get involved if it is in your home or just outside. the fact that the police are involved should help kick backsides.
i feel for you and ds i really do.

cantstopreadingthenews · 04/11/2019 19:49

I read this and felt so upset for you and your son (my DS is ASD).

Just to let you know, be prepared for all this to take some time. It would be great if everyone could get their head into gear quickly, but something positive will happen eventually.
Remember you can always call Samaritans for a chat, again & again. Although last time, I did that I was put on hold. But hang in there.
Have you any friends or family, who can come to visit you & your boy for moral support? Or find a place of solace, away from the neighbours where you can both relax.
Re. your son, I am not sure they are the right people, but speak to CAMHS or your local Parents Advice Centre to find somewhere which will help him build 'strategies' he needs to remember only cowards bully others cos' they are afraid of difference. And violent people are just grown up infants.
Being 13 is tough, he'll be going into puberty soon, so put out feelers to find out what is going on to help him & you through that.
Wish you both all the best
Flowers

Ohyesiam · 04/11/2019 19:59

I’m surprised the school didn’t contract the police. My DH is head of pastoral care at a comp, and he says in this circumstance he would definitely call the police. I would push for that, then it’s more distances from you. Obviously stress to the pastoral care team at school that they love very close to you and are known to cause trouble.

todayisnottuesday · 05/11/2019 00:31

Thank you for the kind messages Flowers

Ohyesiam The school asked me what I would like them to do, but I said I didn't know as my priority was to take him to the hospital to be checked over as his nose was bleeding badly. Are school's allowed to ring the police themselves then? And if so would I be able to ask them to ring them as maybe that way the neighbours wouldn't be able to hurt him or me again if they find out we report it?

OP posts:
littlepaddypaws · 05/11/2019 23:06

it's worth asking the school but it would better coming from you, do you have a friend or family member who can support you with that ?

Cherrysoup · 05/11/2019 23:29

Take pictures of his injuries. Phone the police and ask if they can ask the CPS to press charges. If anything happens, then the housing association will have to act because it’s at the house. This is so shit, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 😢

Cherrysoup · 05/11/2019 23:30

The school won’t contact the police, ime.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 06/11/2019 06:44

Oh my goodness, no advice I'm sorry (though the first response of kicking up a stink with everyone who should be looking out for you and your son sounded like sound advice), I just wanted to send a huge massive enormous hug to you and your son. Thinking of you both x

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