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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to have wedding far away?

14 replies

ConkerGame · 04/11/2019 17:29

I know long-distance weddings are unpopular on here so I’ve got my hard hat on and ready!

DP and I have really struggled to find somewhere to get married that meets our budget and our large number of guests, plus that caters for bad weather (going to be in Autumn in the UK so high chance of cold and rain).

My main aim has always been to have as many friends and family there as possible - everyone talks about it being the only chance to get all your loved ones together and I love that idea. DP however places most importance on the day being individual and meaningful to us.

I suggested to DP that we just go for somewhere near our house as that would be easiest for everyone (a lot of friends live nearby and family would need to travel but there are plenty of places to stay), but he is adamant that he really doesn’t want to get married here as he only moved to the area for work, so he doesn’t feel any real connection to it and doesn’t really love the area.

The only place we’ve found elsewhere that meets our budget, size and indoor requirements that is also meaningful to us (and we love the venue itself!) is at the other end of the country. It is a really beautiful place and somewhere where lots of people choose to go on holiday. However it takes a long time to get to from where we live.

Lots of our friends have done destination weddings and we have happily gone along to all of those, making a long weekend or week’s holiday out of it. The friends we have mentioned our potential location to so far have all been very excited at the prospect. For context most of our friends have enough money for the transport and accommodation cost etc to not be an issue. However, some of our closest friends are TTC and others have small children, so my fear is that they won’t be able to come.

DP thinks we’d be mad to try to plan around other people’s plans for conceiving, as you just don’t know how long it will take them, how they will be feeling post-birth etc and it could be that they can’t even make a wedding nearby with their newborn. But the thought of some of closest friends missing the day due to the location makes me feel really sad Sad. On the other hand seeing DP really depressed about not finding anywhere also makes me really sad!

AIBU and WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
ConkerGame · 04/11/2019 17:34

Oh I should also say that we’ve found another place that’s a 3 hour drive away / 2 hour train plus 30 min taxi. We don’t love it but it ticks a lot of boxes.

At the moment we are seeing it as the “compromise” location but actually I wonder whether it would be the worst of both worlds, as presumably if you are 9 months pregnant or struggling post-partum you wouldn’t want to make this journey either?

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 04/11/2019 17:40

I’d rather have the people I want with me when taking vows than the perfect venue. Marriage is so much more than just one day. I’d go closer and make it easier on everyone.

Touchofclass · 04/11/2019 17:42

Could you maybe see about putting on transport for anyone who can't get to the place ? Maybe hire a mini bus / coach .

MarchingAnts · 04/11/2019 17:42

How far away is the venue?

thecatsthecats · 04/11/2019 17:42

We chose a wedding venue that was further away for 1/3 of guests, but overall roughly in the middle, because our families are spread out. I think we had maybe one or two no shows? But certainly bumps and babies of all sizes and journey lengths made it just fine.

In fact, the venue is about as central as you can get in the UK - Hargate Hall in Buxton, and we too had an autumn wedding. Would thoroughly recommend it.

DeathStare · 04/11/2019 17:45

I don't think having a wedding a long distance away is any problem at all - as long as you are both happy for guests to decline the invitation and don't put any pressure on them to attend.

The problem isn't the venue. The problem is that you and your DP are on completely different pages in terms of what you want from the wedding. Until you can resolve this in a way where you are both happy, I don't think you should get married.

Hahaha88 · 04/11/2019 17:51

Why is the venue and the location of the venue so important to your oh? Surely what's important is the commitment you're making to yourself and each other?
I'd be unlikely to attend a wedding I had to travel too for financial reasons. I'd try harder if the person getting married actually lived away from me but honestly I'd be unlikely to go if I couldn't do it in a day trip because someone who lived me simply decided they wanted to get married at the other end of the country. However you know your friends and if you think you would travel then great. But you need to be very open and accepting of declined invitations

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/11/2019 18:00

Realistically however wonderful your friends and family are, a wedding that is far away puts barriers in the way of people attending. I'm sure they'd all do their best; but if it's most important that your nearest and dearest are with you, have it somewhere convenient and maximise your chances. The venue really doesn't matter as much as having those people there.

NoSauce · 04/11/2019 18:04

How much will it cost your guests to stay over the two nights needed to OP?

Where is it?

Original poster
ConkerGame · 04/11/2019 18:09

@NoSauce between £120-£200 per couple for the weekend depending on where they choose to stay. Don’t want to say too much more on this topic but money really isn’t the concern here - it’s pregnancy and young children

OP posts:
Wattagoose90 · 04/11/2019 18:12

If I could redo anything, I wish I hadn't been so keen to people please - focus on you and your HTB would be my only advice.

Get married where you want! The ones who really want to be there will make the effort for you, but be prepared for some people to say no based on their finances and children etc and try to be understanding (it sounds like you are already).

If you try and plan around other people's lives, you'll be waiting an awful long time, something new will always come up.

I hope you have a beautiful wedding whatever you decide!

NoSauce · 04/11/2019 18:15

Ok OP. In that case I think in your shoes if it fits all your criteria and you’re absolutely sure this is perfect for you then I would book it. Your friends that are ttc might not conceive for years!

It’s nice that you’re considering this but I would crack on.

Overthinker1988 · 04/11/2019 18:20

I'd say just go for the venue you want, but be prepared for some people to decline.
Both my husband and I live in a city that's not our home town, we have friends here but also friends and family in our home towns and abroad.
We had our wedding 3 hours from where we live, near husband's home town but far away for all my guests. Still had plenty of people attending, with babies and children too. One friend made the 3 hour journey with her 1 year old, another was breastfeeding her 4 month old and still made it. People came from abroad too.
We also did another smaller reception abroad for all my extended family that couldn't come to the UK wedding, and combined that trip with our honeymoon.
Could you do something like that, the main wedding in your first choice venue and a smaller party closer to home?

Original poster
ConkerGame · 04/11/2019 18:40

Thanks @Overthinker that might be a good idea for anyone who does end up missing it due to babies etc

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