I’ve reached a point where I’m at my wits end & for the sake of my children want to know if I’m overreacting. Would you feel the same, are my pregnancy hormones OTT or am I being an outright bitch? I don’t know. This could get long so sorry in advance.
As a background, me & DP have been together 8 years. He’s a mummy’s boy, although to his credit he has really worked on this with things like not automatically putting her feelings before mine. Pretty much since our relationship started she has been a strain on it but these were minor things I could handle and I’ve always been friendly with her. However when we moved out she became what I can only describe as toxic for taking her fave son away from her. She would slag me off to people telling them that she wasn’t welcome in her own sons house because of me & that I was a bully all because we had said that she couldn’t come round 1 weekend as I had an assignment due that was worth 50% of my grade for the year (I was working FT & studying PT with the OU for a degree). No one was welcome & no one else complained. This continued while I was pregnant. DP started a new job with a lot of hours & whenever he couldn’t see her or had to let her or her husband down that would be my fault too. When I was pregnant she would constantly tell me that I was huge, that I would get stretchmarks, that I wouldn’t be able to give birth because I was so tiny & that I wouldn’t be able to BF because it would be too hard for me (after I had made it clear that was my preferred method) despite DP asking her not to because they weren’t nice things to hear while pregnant, especially for first time parents.
Despite this, I still reached out to her to clear the air & be the bigger person at DPs request. DP always stuck up for me. When I reached out to make her feel better or assure her she was wanted & I was sorry if she felt differently. I would get a rude reply that would be along the lines of “you’ve caused this but we’ll put it behind us”. Even after all this I would still include her in things so she felt like part of the pregnancy. I know it can be tough for boy mums & seeing as she has no girls I did things like invite & take her to the baby show & in this pregnancy invited & took her to our private gender scan (something I never even invited my own mum to either time). After DS (21 months) was born she visited him in hosp but after that complained that we never took him to see her & slagged us off about that too. Literally EVERYONE came to see us including my nan with mobility problems – we were FTPs with a newborn!! This really upset DP who had to speak to her on 3 separate occasions about it, telling her to make the effort or not be in DS life.
I don’t take any of this personally, I think it would have happened to anyone that ended up with DP. I also genuinely feel that she has a victim complex – I’m no expert obviously but looked into it & she checks so many boxes. As an example when DPs brothers gf went round there in tears early in the morning because her house had been raided by the paedo police & her dad arrested while their house was torn apart with no one else to turn to as her mum is dead, MILs reaction was “oh I hope no one finds out, I don’t want anyone to think we’re associated with that. What if the police are looking into us now?!”. Weird reaction in my eyes, especially considering in the 4+ years they’ve been together, they’ve never even communicated with her dad let alone seen him & DPs bro had met him ONCE literally the week before. Surely you’d just be worried about the poor girl whose just had her life turned upside down? 
MIL has also cut off & doesn’t talk to multiple members of her own family & friends (inc mum & sister) & FILs family for things that they have all done to her. 
I see this as all really toxic/unhealthy behaviour & it’s not something I’d want DS around, but hey that’s DPs mum so FFWD to me going back to work PT after 14ish months of maty leave. Even though I’m extremely uncomfortable with it, I say that MIL can have DS 1 day a week. MIL & DP are over the moon (I did it for DP). I let her know it makes me uncomfortable & that if at any point I become really unhappy with the situation, he’ll go into the nursery at my work. She says she understands.
I had a surprise baby shower weeks ago & since then MIL has been slagging off my family too, including my mum who had been telling me for years to just keep trying with MIL & persuaded me to let her have him 1 day a week. This was my last straw & I immediately put him in nursery that day. She had also been breaking 2 of our rules even though both DP & I told her for at least 2 weeks running that if she kept doing it, he would go to nursery. Now MIL is still able to spend lots of time with him, but only if DP is there. My reasoning is that if she says/does anything toxic then DP can ask her to stop& if she doesn’t, they can leave. I do not feel comfortable with her being alone with him anymore – who knows what she’s saying to him or in front of him. She’s kicked off at this too – saying she doesn’t want to see DS at all now & she won’t be talking to DP either. Also toxic in my eyes but AIBU?