AIBU to be upset with my mum?

[MummyBear405]

So little back story, me & my mum have always had a turbulent relationship. Growing up I always felt like she picked her latest boyfriend over me and was often really selfish, this lead to me moving out at 16 years old because things got so bad.

She had me & my older sister when she was in her early 20s so I can understand that she might feel that her youth was taken from her a little but ever since I can remember she's acted like a teenager and I had to be the adult!

I'm 29 now and 28 weeks pregnant with my first child, I'm married and have a strong support network which I'd like to count my mum as a part of but it's often the other way around and I go running everytime she needs me. We don't have much family living close by and those who do don't really speak to her.

Fast forward to last week when I got admitted to hospital due to a complication with my diabetes and was kept in for a few nights. I was scared because I was worried something would happen to the baby but I had my husband there so told my mum that we were okay and that she didn't have to come to the hospital as it's a bit of a drive for her. She then offered to come round on Saturday once I'd been discharged which I was really looking forward to however on Saturday morning we had some wind & rain and she text me to say she wouldn't be round but that she'd call me later.

I felt really let down and quite angry, I usually deal with things myself and don't ask for help often but I really needed her this weekend and she wasn't there for me. She maintains that it was too dangerous to drive but it just felt like she'd been out the night before so was probably hungover and didn't want to venture out in the cold. I struggle because she'll be there for me but only on her terms (as if to prove that point she text me on Sunday saying "It's nice and sunny today, want me to pop over?").

This is an arguement we keep having but now with my baby on the way I'm finding it difficult to rely on her, I don't want to cut her out of our lives but how do you deal with someone who will only ever do things on their terms?

Reduce your expectations to zero if you want to avoid disappointment. I did this with my parents , that way if they do something kind or helpful it's a pleasant surprise and the rest of the time you protect yourself from their failings.

@tenredthings thanks for replying that makes sense. Sorry you've had to deal with something similar!

The problem is now I don't know how to make a mends and move forward. She's so stubborn that if I leave it for her to come round we'll probably never speak again

Why do you have to make amends? SHE let YOU down - you did nothing to make amends for! Call her if you wish, but you have nothing to apologise for. My own mum can be a bit like this - she'll help out etc, but there's always a price to pay. Many years ago I decided that if we were to continue having a relationship, that I would have to take a step back and regard her more as a slightly demanding friend rather than my mum. That made it easier not to hope, or expect any unconditional help or support. It's also easier to say 'no'to her when I need to. It works for me.

Not discounting any of your story but Saturday was horrendous. If you were in a windier part of the country than me I understand her point about not wanting to drive. (And you didn't need her at the hospital so how did she know you needed her now?)

@bananasandwicheseveryday I agree that I shouldn't have to but life is too short and I've seen so much hurt cause in my family by both parties being too stubborn to try and make things better. I promised myself I wouldn't be like that so I think I should just been the bigger person and apologise.

I also worry that I was out of line as @Mumdiva99 said maybe my mum didn't realise I needed her so badly, I still feel let down because it isn't just this one incident in isolation. I got so upset because it's happened so many times before but sometime I should give her the benefit of the doubt some times.

Although I did a journey of a similar distance to the hospital (opposite direction to where my mum lives) and we were fine so yes the conditions weren't ideal but no where near as bad as she was making out.

Sorry you feel this way. Follow tented things advice and expect nothing. Just text her next time you want to see her.

Still confused why you are making amends and apologising ??? Have you missed. Something out of your post ? Did you shout and say things?

OP, you either accept this behaviour or not.

Clearly she puts herself first and has never been reliable.

You need to stop allowing yourself to get upset when she lets you down, yet again.

Protect yourself.

Expect nothing from her. Absolutely nothing.

Do not put yourself out for her ever.

If she does something nice, take it as a bonus.

Focus on yourself, on those who do support you, and your new baby when it arrives.

Don't waste your energy on what you can't change.

You can change your own expectations, and be happier as a result.

Look after yourself 💐