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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not speaking to father again...

23 replies

PeopleWhoRun · 04/11/2019 13:30

Hello, I'd love to know what you think about this situation and if I'm being hasty by not wanting to speak to my father again.

Three months ago my son was playing at DMs house (DM, DF and myself present) he fell off his bike witnessed by us all and fell unconscious for a short short time. He came round and started to cry (Applied cold compress and gave lots of cuddles and love, sorted medical help and a&e out) DF screamed in my face as I help my son "you lousy bitch" and walked off.

I haven't spoken to him since. Devastated he said that as I was only comforting DS. That reaction is very unlike him.

However, he has not apologised. He has said absolutely nothing. DM is also furious with him.

I havent taken my children back to my parents house since this. And have just met DM out.

I really don't want to speak to DF again. I spoke to DM at length saying he belittles me constantly when it comes to my children and my wishes. He ignores a lot of what I ask, to the point I can't say anything because he just snaps and gets angry.

Also suspect my mother has a torrid time with him, but I'm not sure how to support her.

AIBU for not wanting to talk to him again? I just can't get over the fact that my child had fallen unconscious and that was his reaction. Also to be in the hospital for two days with DS and no apology, no text to even ask how he was.

I feel sad. I want to let it go, but want to know if it's unreasonable. Thank you

OP posts:

MulticolourMophead · 04/11/2019 13:48

No, YANBU.

Sorry, your DF sounds like an abusive prick.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/11/2019 13:49

You're not unreasonable at all. I wouldn't be talking to him and I would never allow my child to witness such horrific behaviour. Why on earth would he have said such a vile thing when your son was injured? It doesn't make any sense. Has he always been unhinged like this?

Aquamarine1029 · 04/11/2019 13:51

If this behaviour is new and out of character, I'm wondering if there is something medically wrong with him.

CustardySergeant · 04/11/2019 13:52

Of course YWNBU never to speak to him again, but did no one ask him why on earth he did that? Such bizarre and vicious behaviour.

CustardySergeant · 04/11/2019 13:55

Aquamarine1029 given that it says in the OP

"I spoke to DM at length saying he belittles me constantly when it comes to my children and my wishes. He ignores a lot of what I ask, to the point I can't say anything because he just snaps and gets angry."
the behaviour doesn't sound "new and out of character" at all.

AmmarettoSours · 04/11/2019 13:59

you did nothing wrong. Does f expect you to teleport and stop dc from falling over? yanbu

Original poster

PeopleWhoRun · 04/11/2019 14:01

@Aquamarine1029 it was truly horrific! I was so shocked, it was just out of nowhere - my son was on my knee crying and mum was ringing 111. The sad thing is I'm not sure it is out of character. The family has been torn apart - many years ago my sister closed all doors on them, I was young so she wasn't really around to ask. But I've heard from her husband that DF said something vile to her and that DM hadn't believed her... I never really got involved in it, but after this and a fair bit of (less serious, just downright obnoxious behaviour over the years) I fully believe my sister.

Custardy, I went to a&e and had no interest in speaking to him. As for DM, I feel sorry that she's with him and have just chosen to not discuss him at all with her,she's very stressed by it all

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 04/11/2019 14:09

Yes, walk away.

Hopefully two daughters voting with their feet may make your Mum think again about staying with this aggressive, nasty piece of work.

ForeverFaff · 04/11/2019 14:15

Cut him out, 100%. I wouldn't even allow mention of him from your mother when meeting up.
She's allowed him to drive one daughter out of her life, she can deal with her choices entirely herself and NOT be allowed to use up your sympathy by moaning about him to you.

NoSauce · 04/11/2019 14:22

Unforgivable of him. Keep away OP.

Areyoufree · 04/11/2019 14:28

That sounds odd. He just shouted that with no provocation at all? Is there something else going on there? There's no excuse for that - I wouldn't be around anyone who would do that to me, especially in front of my child. However, with completely out of the blue verbal abuse like that, I would be worried about your Mum, and maybe want to investigate further.

Whitleyboy · 04/11/2019 14:33

What is wrong with you that, once your son had been treated in hospital, you did not confront your DF about this?

Happyandglorious · 04/11/2019 14:40

So sorry Op. Keep your distance for now. But do what you can to make sure your mum isn't at risk from him taking out his anger on her.

TheReluctantCountess · 04/11/2019 15:03

That would be me drawing the line and not seeing him again.

Coughsyrupsucks · 04/11/2019 15:11

YANBU he sounds horrific. There is no way in hell, I’d ever speak to someone who screamed in my face, whilst I was comforting my child again.

Frankly your a mum makes her own choices, she’s lost one daughter over his behaviour, is she willing to lose another?

I hope your son is ok now.

Sparklfairy · 04/11/2019 15:15

It sounds like maybe he panicked and lashed out but is too up is own arse to apologise.

Or more likely, he's a prick. You're doing the right thing especially as you say this is a pattern of behaviour with him

Sparklfairy · 04/11/2019 15:16

Meant to add behaving like that in front of a child that is scared and in pain is pretty damn disgusting and can only make the situation worse!

Runnerduck34 · 04/11/2019 15:22

Yanbu, it must be very painful for you but it really is best if you cut all ties with him, he sounds abusive and you need to protect your DC from his outbursts as well as yourself. I'm sure it is absolutely awful for your DM, I expect he is absusive to her as well and if she can find the courage she would be better off without him.

VanyaHargreeves · 04/11/2019 15:30

I haven't spoken to my father in something like 17 years

I was fortunate in that my parents were divorced.

Was there any logical reason/excuse given for such a random, weird, outburst?

Butchyrestingface · 04/11/2019 15:33

His reaction doesn’t even make sense. Was he blaming you for your son’s accident?

Given that he has previous, I wouldn’t want further contact.

wink1970 · 04/11/2019 15:49

Playing Devil's Advocate - could it be he was also shocked and reacted badly? I know you say he isn't nice at the best of times, but this was an extreme circumstance.

Only you know if you can or want to go through the rest of your life not talking to him. Sorry this happened, I hope your child is OK now.

Original poster

PeopleWhoRun · 04/11/2019 17:31

@Whitleyboy, I haven't confronted him because I'm a little worried about my mum - she's talking to me slowly, so I'm not wanting to make anything more difficult. It's been easy enough to just get in with things whilst piecing bits together from the past.

@Butchyrestingface, I have no idea - it was clearly nobody's fault! Also DM has since told me that F had no idea DS had fallen unconscious (it was a few seconds). So given that from his point of view it was just an ordinary fall, it makes his reaction even more bizarre to me!

@wink1970 thanks for the different perspective. I did initially think it was shock, but we were in hospital for 2 days and he knew nothing - whether we were in or out, how DS was. The lack of concern bothers me.

OP posts:

Original poster

PeopleWhoRun · 04/11/2019 17:33

Thank you for the concern, DS is absolutely fine, it was just scary at the time

OP posts:

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