Manipulative mother

[Chester1980]

I’m in my late 30s and my mum is in her early 70s. Over the last year, since my son was born, I’ve been tentatively trying to improve our tense relationship. I struggle to forgive her and hold onto resentment for things such as:

• isolating my dad from his family
• not looking after my dad properly in ill health
• holding on to inheritance money from her side of the family which could have made my dad’s life easier.
• using my dads small inheritance from his parents to have a private operation, which she could have had on the NHS, when our family was on its knees struggling financially.
• She never worked, my dad worked 12 hour shifts to look after us and she was so ungrateful
• Never cooking for me and my sibling when we were growing up. We used to look forward to going to my grandma’s to get a properly cooked meal with veggies etc
• Never attending parents evenings etc
• some violence towards my dad.
• epic screaming at us all.

She’s not cold, and sends little silly gifts in the post etc and would send messages to say hi. Although when she calls, if you don’t answer, she will continue phoning...I once had 7 missed calls in the space of 5 minutes!!

She is now isolating me from my dad and I am so sad that he won’t get to spend his final years with his only grandchild because she manipulates so much.

In the last few days I have lost it with her unfortunately and unloaded my resentment. My parents live far away from me, and it’s been difficult to help my dad from so far away. I’ve had no family help this year, which has been upsetting, but understandable with my dads ill health. Me and DH have driven eight hours each way several times so they can see their grandchild.

She is saying that I am being aggressive and hostile over something. She is playing the little old lady card and I am her evil daughter who is stopping her seeing her grandchild (I am not). All of this has built up inside me and I’m struggling to let things go.

Am I being unreasonable and blowing things out of proportion?

You need to disconnect from her actions.

Would you accept this for a friend? If not disconnect.

You prioritise your dad. Visit your dad and put some armour on when she's there. Just pretend you've got a bounce back shield on.

If you are on the phone and she's being horrific simply hang up.

You need the Stately Homes threads!!

Your DM is toxic and is bullying you.

Wish I had time to type more. YADNBU.

Thank you for your comments.

The guilt is real!

I think I’m beating myself up a bit, because they were meant to come up for my sons first birthday. She made a comment about having to save up hard for it (she has loads of money). She was saying about her leg hurting, the cat being unwell etc. She also said she was thrilled to be invited.

With all that, I told her not to come then. Now she’s saying I’ve said I don’t want her here for it.

She’s saying I’ve over reacted and she’s looking at it in isolation, rather than how I am seeing it as the same old cr*p.

It sounds like she’s guilt-tripping you . She’s clearly adept at this from what you have said. I agree with @SimpleAndPlanned
Keep up with the visits to your dad, wear ‘armour plating’ to deflect your mum’s barbs and digs and when you’re on the phone and she starts being unkind then tell her that you’re hanging up .
You have my sympathies. 💐

@SimpleAndPlanned @PlasticRainHood @1Morewineplease thank you.

I will try. It is difficult....if I speak to him on the phone, she puts it on speakerphone and chips in. If I call her out for anything, she tries to make out it was innocent and that she was trying to be sweet.

An example is this message she sent me, which I found a little gaslight like:

How can I control how and when dad speaks to. Perhaps you're understandably overtired dear, and naturally concerned about XXX being unwell. Please take care. M x