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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To look after poorly dh

17 replies

rainbowvalley17 · 04/11/2019 12:06

I feel like I’m being a mug, but dh is really ill with flu like symptoms, he’s obviously caught it off me. But the difference being......when I had it, he didn’t look after me, barely even got a cup of tea off him. In fact I think I actually irritated him because I was poorly. But now, he’s got it, and really I should treat him exactly like he treated me, shouldn’t I ?
But.......I cant. Aibu and a total mug to look after him, he’s actually said how sorry he is for being so callous towards me, so maybe it’s a huge lesson learned, I don’t know.

OP posts:

Nottobesoldseparately · 04/11/2019 12:11

It's in my nature to look after people, I really can't help myself.

But, if I'd had no sympathy myself first, the care giving would be minimal.

E.g. water at the bedside to keep fluids up, noise kept low.

It wouldn't be my usual of baths run, fresh bedding on whilst in the bath, juice topped up regularly and favourite foods bought and served.

Whitleyboy · 04/11/2019 12:19

Sounds like he has realised his behaviour wasn't what it should have been. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and look after him.

MadnessInMethod · 04/11/2019 12:32

Honestly - I'd be providing water, paracetamol and tissues but I know the resentment I'd feel would stop me going OTT.

I certainly wouldn't tolerate any bleating and whining about how unwell he feels, when he couldn't even be arsed to make you a cup of tea when you were ill.

Original poster

rainbowvalley17 · 04/11/2019 12:57

Yes I think if it wasn’t for the apology I wouldn’t do as much. But his lack of empathy when I was ill was awful. Anyway I won’t stoop to that level.

OP posts:

AutumnCrow · 04/11/2019 13:01

Depends if he only apologised to get you to do stuff for him. Was it a cynical apology or a genuine, heartfelt one?

GettingABitDesperateNow · 04/11/2019 13:13

I'd look after him

And then when you're both better sit down and tell him how bad his behaviour, when you were ill and needed a bit of support, made you feel

cstaff · 04/11/2019 13:20

I don't like the way he apologised when he realised that he was now sick and was going to miss out on a bit of TLC because of his own recent behaviour. It makes his apology look very cynical.

I probably wouldn't be as awful as he had but I couldn't bring myself to be my usual caring, loving self. Screw that.

LadyGuffers · 04/11/2019 13:22

An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind so I'd take care of him to lead the way - otherwise you get into a habit of no one ever taking care of anyone.

But I'd only do it the once.

If he was callous again, that would be the end of Nurse Guffers.

MsVestibule · 04/11/2019 13:28

Have you been ill before this recent bout? If so, did he look after you then?

labazsisgoingmad · 04/11/2019 13:35

men as a whole are crap at illness if they have it they are dying if you get it they are so lost as you usually cope so well they dont realise how much you actually do

AutumnCrow · 04/11/2019 13:45

My OH is a very good carer. I have also appreciated him showing my DS (20) what looking after someone looks like when I've needed it (DS's father chooses to be very selective in his sympathies and empathies, and has been a shit role model).

Beveren · 04/11/2019 13:46

Just make sure you remind him of this next time you're poorly, and tell him it's his last chance.

Chloe84 · 04/11/2019 13:57

Hmm I have a feeling he will forget your TLC next time you get siclean.

I would become very busy all if a sudden. Go to your mums m, go shopping etc, so you’re not tempted to stay home and nurse him better.

Cheeseandwin5 · 04/11/2019 14:09

Sorry, have to agree with others.
Its not about saying he has learned his lesson but proving it.
Tell him next time you are sick if he steps up, than you will act accordingly. Till then Karma is a b.......

YouJustDoYou · 04/11/2019 14:24

Dh is the same. I'm currently floored with a pretty bad cold. I'm this ill maybe once every three years. I don't get time off from childcare though. He never offers, or even asks, if I'm ok, stay in bed, I'll look after the kids etc. But if he's I'll, it's like he's fucking dying.

Original poster

rainbowvalley17 · 04/11/2019 14:36

I agree with being cynical about the apology. Hope I don’t get ill like that again for a long time but we’ll see. He is the worlds worst patient too, he’d be devastated if I treated him the same.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 04/11/2019 14:57

The thing is that your treatment of him can never be the same - he was totally callous when you were ill. If you ignored his requests for sympathy etc you'd be doing it out of resentment, rather than because you were callous.

What's he like in other ways? How long have you been together?

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