I am over reacting

[Thinkingoutloud87]

So have name changed as outing but brief back story have 2 DS (9 and 6) and DH has 2 DS (10 & 6). We have his children 50/50 so 1 week out of 2 plus all holidays as he ex goes away a lot with new partner and never takes children plus she is constantly asking us to have them more as she made plans and ‘forgot’ she had them etc.
DH eldest is a lovely child and I enjoy his time here so it’s not about the ‘step’ children. But I am really struggling with his younger child- he is extremely loud (we got his hearing tested Incase it was an issue but it’s not), he wakes everyone up at 4-5am daily but stomping around slamming doors, calling my children in there room or just screaming for no reason. He doesn’t listen to a single word you tell him and litrally look you in the eye and then do what he wants and ignore you and say he forgot.
This half term when he has been punished so banned by DH from electronic items etc he will threaten my youngest DS to play it how he wants it done has threatened to punch him in the face more than once, called him a ponce. He only goes for my youngest child as he knows his sibling and my eldest wouldn’t have it and wouldn’t tolerate it so goes for the weakest one of that makes sense as he does it as his mums with her partners children but targeting the smallest.
I work long shifts and dread coming home when he is here it feels likes he is ruining our home. He breaks my children’s stuff on purpose, screams round the house and even when told continues 1 min later. He is constantly picking his nose, wiping it on things which I find disgusting.
DH tried talking to his mum about working together but she just says it his age but he is getting worse and my child the same age just isn’t like that at all- which even my DH agrees but it feels like he is ruining my life as I am on edge with him around my son as he has also been caught touching his mums partner younger son twice and she played that as normal behaviour for his edge.

Please tell me there is something I can do as right now I am pulling away from the man I love because I feel I need to protect my son

What consequences are there for his behaviour? How is your dh parenting him? He needs to be firm and ensure his son knows this behaviour isn't ok

Sounds like hes targeting you're son because hes jealous. Does he get time with his dad alone without you're dc. Hes got to share his dad with kids who get to live with him one of which is the same age and his mother has dc who come and stay at their house.

At six years old he should not be shouting and screaming at four am. Has DH given him a children's clock and shown him what time he is allowed to leave his bedroom and wake others? Some even have music or a light that comes on to let the child know it is okay to wake up others, in the meantime if he is up early he can play quietly with toys etc.
Your other children must be exhausted waking up so early too. Dh really needs to address this first.

To me it seems like his is venting his unhappiness and anger at the situation. Maybe he feels overlooked? Unloved? Something is very wrong if he is being so destructive op.

You may feel it isn't fair on your children, and I understand why you would want to shield them from violence and anger, but I think a deeper focus needs to take place to find out what is wrong with him. It is not okay to just put it down to his age.

Has someone checked him out for SEN? Has he had any kind of assessment from a professional.

You all have a duty and a responsibility to this child, and your last sentence made me wonder if your heart is really in this, and whether you have the energy and commitment to go the full distance. Children get MUCH harder as they head into teen years, if the cracks are already there now and it should be relatively 'easy' so to speak you may find it gets a whole lot harder further down the line. You may wish to reconsider your living arrangements/relationship.

Yes he gets time with his dad one on one and we have them a good few weekends without mine so he has time with them just him and them prob more then I get With mine to be fair. My son is a mummy’s boy so goes to me not my DH. His mums partners children go there for 2 nights if there 7 at her house.
Me and my DH regarding his 5 ‘last warnings’ as he was constantly giving him a last warning without following through so is getting better at that- the firmer he is the more he targets my son he tells him what to do in growls

We brought him a grow clock and it’s set he just unplugs it and says he didn’t know or turns it round so said he couldn’t see.
My children are exhausted as they are children who ask to go to bed and love sleep and will happily stay in bed till 9am

What do you mean been caught touching?? Inappropriate? That is a bit major I would say kids are kids so maybe i am ovetcaitious but if any sign of sexualized behaviour I would get some advice as it could explain his othervattention seekin bad behaviour apologies if I have misread this

Yes it was sexual touching hence my concern leaving him around my children

Sexual touching from a 6yo?!

How does he behave at school?

I would be asking for an immediate referral to CAHMS with regards to the sexual touching. And flagging it to the school as a potential safeguarding issue.

You have a much bigger problem that a 4am waking time. Dh needs to know, and CAHMS. It is clearly an issue for your children to be potentially compromised too. I would not leave them alone under any circumstances, and would consider the living arrangements until this is resolved.

He is very clever at school but still doesn’t listen and the only one we have been called in for regarding behaviour

how do you know about the touching OP?

His mum caught him both times and informed us

There are so many red flags here - has the sexual touching been reported to social services? It's a sign that he's being abused, or at the very least has been exposed to inappropriate material. No wonder his behaviour is so shocking. Get SS involved immediately - if you take him to the GP and explain about his behaviour and the touching incidents the GP will refer to CAHMS and SS straight away.

ok, so not one of the siblings maybe telling a tall tail unfortunately.

I would definitely be trying to get him to the doctor for an assessment, is that something you can do or do you need to go through his mum to get this done?

May also be a good idea to have a chat with the other children so they understand that any touching is not acceptable behavior & to tell you straight away if anything like this happens.

My children are aware of the pants rules and to tell me if anyone ever asked to touch them and it’s something I re visit.

I think the touching is a much bigger concern than the rest of it. I think you need some professional help/ advice

So all the adults are aware that this 6yr old child has form for sexually touching other children but are happily shrugging it off as no big deal? His school needs to be informed and social services need to be involved. This is your number one priority, far and above grow clocks and all the other BS.