to want a best friend

[nomoreclue]

Just that really. I’m lonely! It was my birthday recently and I did invite a few local friends over for birthday drinks. They came but no cards or gifts and on my birthday no “happy birthday” messages. It’s made me realise that my friendships are not really as close as I thought they were and I don’t know how to change it. I do have an old best friend who lives hours away who sent a card but I feel like I need a close mate locally. Somebody who is on my team. Someone who you know is going to make effort on your birthday and cares. I do make lots of effort and invite people to things. I feel I don’t get much back and I think it’s because the people I know all have their own friendship groups already. How do I make new, solid mates. How do I make a best friend? I’m obviously doing it all wrong! What has worked for you?

Hi, you sound just like me, my situ is v similar and I really struggle with it so unfortunately don’t have any good advice to offer but I will be watching your post with interest in the hope that someone does

I guess it's a bit like trying to find a partner - you need to widen your net, make an effort with a few new people and see who responds.

Do you already have a few places you will meet people - work, hobby, school? This will be the first step so if you don't have existing ways you'll see someone a few times a month then you need to create them, ie get a hobby. Then say hello/smile/make conversations and slowly start communicating more by texting/WhatsApp etc to start the relationship, moving on to coffee/drinks/lunch whatever. Don't get disheartened if people don't respond, there will be lots of reasons why not that are nothing to do with who you are. Sooner rather than later, someone will respond positively and welcome the potential of a friendship. Might take time and you might get some knock backs you didn't expect but if you chose wisely, progress at the right pace and don't scare anyone (!), I think you will find your person/people. There are lots of people out there feeling the same as you, you just need to find them.

I've made some strong friendships more recently and some of my older ones have gone a bit sour just because so much happens in life over 20 years and naturally people change.

Good luck!

Thanks for replying. It’s shit isn’t it? I’ve signed up to start some new hobbies next week and I’m hoping this helps but I just wondered if it’s luck? I feel I put myself out there but I just never really click with anyone. It’s lonely!

I'm quite good at making friends but it hasn't always been this way. I used to be quite intense and take things very personally. It's hard to make really close friends - it takes time and has to feel natural. You can't force it. Firstly - meeting new friends - do you do any activities or classes where you might meet people with similar interests? Great place to start. Then you start small - invite someone out for a coffee after class, or find a reason to ask for their number, maybe because you have something you want to send them that you'd been talking about - an article, a shopping voucher or info about an event or something. Don't come on too strong and don't be offended if they don't take you up or your offer or don't reply quickly. People have their own stuff going on. Keep trying every now and then and gradually a bond will emerge. Keep an open mind, stay positive and open and be patient. I'm been stung by friendships that have flared up very quickly - they have never lasted and people like that often will drop you just as quickly. Better to take your time.

Thanks positivepixie. Very good advice. I think I’m tired because I’ve tried lots with school mums but I don’t seem to get anywhere with those friendships. I do need to widen my net I think

What hobbies are you signing up to?

I have many good friends but not a best friend. I imagine that's quite normal? Where are you located, OP? Maybe there are some MNers to connect with.

I’ve signed up to a yoga class and a dance class. I’m also thinking of trying out the local women’s institute near me

Yoga & dance are a good start although I’ve always found exercise type classes to be really difficult to make friends at as no one talks. Everyone arrives, gets equipment ready, does the class & goes. You may be luckier than me especially if there’s a second connection like a school mum or something. I’m finding it easier making friends at a beginner tennis class. If you’ve schoolaged DC the school PTA can be good.

Just a note - ive been on the receiving end of two people who try and force close friendships. 'Best friends' take years to establish. Id say just go to your hobbies, chat and see if you like anyone. Friendship comes with time so dont be disappointed if you come home from the 1st few evenings feeling like youve not made any connections.