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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unwanted pregnancy

22 replies

Peekaboo19 · 04/11/2019 00:10

Am I being unreasonable to consider termination without telling DH? We have 2DC already, DD is 5 and DS is 7 months. Before DS was born I had an ectopic pregnancy and DH and I were both heart broken. I feel terrible wanting to terminate this pregnancy knowing what how much we both suffered after the ectopic but I really could not cope with another baby. I am scared to tell him incase he wants me to continue with the pregnancy. It seems incredibly cruel to tell him and for him to devastated all over again, if he wants to keep it. I really don't want to keep this from him but I feel I maybe should to save him any more heartache.

OP posts:
rosesandcashmere · 04/11/2019 00:23

I'm not sure what to say but didn't want to read and run. You should report your post and have it moved to pregnancy choices where you'll get balanced responses

GinZinger · 04/11/2019 00:23

You need to tell him. It's a massive moral No-no and its such a big lie to tell, it could certainly be the end of your marriage if it ever came out.
Wether or not you go through with the abortion either way ... I do believe it's the woman's decision overall. You should lay out all of your reasons and have a frank chat.

AwkwardFucker · 04/11/2019 01:16

If I found myself pregnant I would have a termination without telling DH.

I know he would want to keep it, and I can’t think of anything worse than having another child.

So I don’t think YABU. Maybe this is one of those times where ignorance is bliss.

Theresnobslikeshowbs · 04/11/2019 01:28

Me and exdp fell pregnant within a month of dc being born. I was on the pill and breastfeeding, but it still happened. He is an amazing dad, was so excited about dc being born and talking about having more dc.

I told him in floods of tears saying I can’t have another one yet, please don’t make me. Once he finally calmed me down he said, I agree with you, we couldn’t manage another now, a termination is best for us all.

So you may get a response you aren’t expecting. Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

MsPavlichenko · 04/11/2019 01:33

It is your decision. Of course he has the right to an opinion but at the end of the day he must support you, whatever you decide.

He's no sort of partner otherwise and it's not your job to pander to his "feelings".

WagtailRobin · 04/11/2019 01:34

The pro choice argument is that no man has a right to tell a woman what to do with her body; By this reasoning you absolutely are not unreasonable to terminate without his knowledge.

However, I think it depends on your moral compass and how susceptible you typically are to guilt, if you don't tell him and do it behind his back will it destroy you with feelings of guilt knowing he is in the dark?

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here, it really does boil down to how you feel, I wish I had some decent advice but all I can offer is to wish you luck going forward whatever you decide.

PepePig · 04/11/2019 01:40

I think you need to tell him. If he finds out you've lied it would likely destroy your relationship. If you're honest at least you can discuss it, sleep on it, and come to your own measured decision. He will also be able to support you.

Of course there's the chance he will leave if you have an abortion. But I'd rather honesty than wondering when he'll find out and when my family will be ripped apart.

Purpleartichoke · 04/11/2019 03:12

The lie will Likely do more harm than a non agreed upon termination.

I’d start by telling him how you know you can’t handle another pregnancy right now. Don’t give him a chance to be excited.

Lana08 · 04/11/2019 04:11

I would definitely tell him OP. You never know he might react different than you think and more than anything you deserve to have someone to support you through it. Can you imagine him keeping something like that from you? Take care

RainbowUnicorn1 · 04/11/2019 14:32

Thanks for all your replies. I told him this morning when he came home from work and as I suspected he wants me to continue the pregnancy. He was excited, saying to DS he going to be a big brother. I told him I wasn't sure I was keeping it, he got annoyed. Said he can't believe I'm even considering a termination after everything we have been through, he walked away from me and went to bed. Know I really don't know where to go from here.

basicbitch16 · 04/11/2019 15:02

I imagine he's in shock. Wait for him to calm down & have a frank discussion about the pregnancy and why you don't want to continue with it.

Ultimately it's your decision. Sending big gentle hugs x

NoSauce · 04/11/2019 15:06

I think if he ever found out after the event he would be more heartbroken than if you tell him now, not to mention angry. I do feel for you OP and the final decision ultimately lies with you so do bear that in mind, but I would tell him.

Without sounding intrusive please use a reliable form of contraception in future so you’re never in this situation again. Flowers

NoSauce · 04/11/2019 15:07

Oh sorry just saw you had updated. NC fail.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 04/11/2019 15:09

If you didnt tell him, do you think you would be able to keep it a secret? The physical symptoms and the emotional strain? If he somehow found out after, do you think it would do more damage to your relationship than you telling him you are terminating?

It's so hard and I'm sorry you're going through this. Have you got any close friends you could confide in?

GettingABitDesperateNow · 04/11/2019 15:12

Just read your update, that's so shit he told your son, infact I think it's really out of order, it's a lot of emotional pressure on you.
I understand the feeling of guilt if you have struggled with any losses or infertility in the past...but the fact remains any pregnancy has to be the best thing for you and for your family. Having another child just because you struggled to have previous children is not really a valid reason.

RainbowUnicorn1 · 04/11/2019 15:45

I will speak to him properly when he gets up. Ds is only 7 months, he said it when he was playing with him because he was excited. This was before I told him I wanted to terminate. I would definitely be upset if he told Dd, who is 5, but I don't think he would. Just need to hope is willing to listen, might need to leave it a day or two until he calms down and gets his head round it.

RainbowUnicorn1 · 04/11/2019 15:54

@NoSauce I was on the pill, breast feeding, and only have one fallopian tube, but I will definitely be changing my contraception after this!

NoSauce · 04/11/2019 17:26

Blimey OP!

herewegoagainughhh · 09/11/2019 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChileConCarne · 10/11/2019 08:34

You get to decide how many kids you gestate and birth, not your husband! Tell him!

EntropyRising · 10/11/2019 08:59

Oh dear. Sorry to hear this OP.

Just get yourself booked in, look after yourself and deal with him later. He sounds like an utter twat.

FeatherySquawkington · 10/11/2019 09:19

He doesn't sound like a twat. He sounds like a man who has been given some surprising news followed by more surprising news and needs some time to think it through. Sometimes people act before they have a chance to think. He showed his emotions as to how he initially felt about it all. I'm sure he will support the OP no matter what she chooses but he is allowed to have feelings too.

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