Would you be hurt by this? IVF/Infertility

[SarahAndQuack]

I've an old friend/acquaintance - not someone I'm terribly close to, but we trained together for work and I've previously put her up at mine for a few days, that sort of thing.

Recently, I asked if she might possibly be able to host me for a couple of days as I was moving to the town she lives in for work. She said it wasn't a good time (fine), and mentioned that she's having IVF treatment for infertility and is very stressed. I sympathised, and (as she repeated the point she was worried about how the treatment would work), I shared the fact that I'd had repeated miscarriages and fertility treatment.

For me this is a big deal. I don't find it very easy to talk about. For quite a while after the miscarriages I did not mention them at all. For a long time after that no one except my mother knew. I realise my friend can't know this, but I was really hurt that she simply cut contact. She has not replied at all - and this was a couple of months ago.

I figured maybe she found it too upsetting to talk about. But, I still feel hurt and angry that she'd talk to me about her fertility issues expecting sympathy, but could not even acknowledge mine.

I have to meet up with her in a week or two for a work-related event, and I feel awkward. I know this isn't a very big deal, but can you tell me how you would feel? I can't tell if I am being irrational/ungenerous here.

Being gentle - yes, you are likely over thinking it - the way you coped might be very different from the way she is coping - the silence is about her and not you. Try not to feel awkward. I say all this as someone who has been on both sides. The weirdness disappears with time.

Thanks. That does make sense.

I can see logically it's true that she may have gone silent simply because that's how she needs to cope. I just find it hard to reconcile that with the fact she raised the issue, then repeated it, and when she had got a response from me that was very hard for me to articulate, she dropped it all. I know rationally she won't know it was hard for me to talk about what happened to me. But I can't help feeling that, even if she didn't initially realise she might be stirring up upsetting thoughts for me, she should have been able at least to say something in reply once it was obvious she had done that. Even just a brief acknowledgement.

Did you end up having a baby OP? It could be that she felt your experience wasn’t as bad as hers in some way and your comment upset her (pure conjecture on my part).

If not then I think it’s pretty shitty not to reply, yes.

I do wonder if it's that, yes, UOk. I have a daughter, who is my DP's biological child. Obviously I couldn't love her more if she were my biological daughter, but medically, I've not had a 'successful pregnancy' (as the doctors put it). I find it especially shit as this woman confided they'd not become pregnant in three years, which I agree is rough, but I have been trying for over ten years now and have had four miscarriages; I think whatever yardstick you use it is pretty clear that wasn't a barrel of laughs and she could have afforded a simple reply.

Very rude. My mum was extremely pissed off with one of her friends when she text her to tell her my sisters full term baby was stillborn. She never replied to the text and then next time she saw her told her how upset her own daughter was she’d had an early miscarriage. Wtaf!!