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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh.. Gambling. Hormones and everything else.! I'm done.

25 replies

Beyondexhausted19 · 03/11/2019 16:12

Where to start.
We moved over a month ago and let's juts say it's been the worse housemove ive ever done. For various reasons which still aren't all sorted.

My hormones are everywhere dc3 due in jan

Now today is the icing on the cake. Dh has fucking gambled our shopping / rent money.. I just don't know what to do.
He's done before but was ages and ages ago and thought he'd learned by it..
I went to sort the bills today and pay online what needed and to go shopping. And when went to cash machine there was about 300 less than I thought. I'm. Good with money and despite it all comes out of his wage we tend to know what's what.

He said he thought we'd struggle due to house move so tried to win, lost, tried again and so forth.

It leaves just enough to cover either council tax or rent.. Or food..

I just am so upset that he'd do it. He's been in tears saying he needs help and I belive that. But that doesn't help the situation now!

I've gone for a drive because I can't actually speak..

I wish we'd never moved.. Went private from LA housing as needed space. And we'd of managed. This is one month in!

We have nothing to sell as cleared and charity shopper everything when moved.

I have some money for essentials from ds child maintenance but that's it. I haven't told dh I have this.
Wibu to make him feel mega guilty.. As that's the mood I'm in. Like not buy lunchbox stuff for him (as in the extras like crisp or whatever) and say we can't afford it.
I've just knowingly run out of washing powder and when I left said there's loads of washing needs doing as ds been away a week. .. He text and said Where's the powder.. I haven't replied. I want to reply we haven't got any and can't afford it. But I feel mean to make him feel bad.

OP posts:
Rosehip10 · 03/11/2019 16:17

Why on earth did you move from LA housing to private? And why do you stay with someone who gambles the family food/rent money away?

cheesydoesit · 03/11/2019 16:23

Don't waste the little energy you have left to play daft games with him. Leaving him without washing detergent won't change his behaviour. Addiction runs deeper than that. If he won't seek rehabilitation then you need to prepare for a separate life from him to protect your children from going without.

BarbedBloom · 03/11/2019 16:23

This would be the end for me to be honest. Let him find somewhere and get help himself. Then you can decide what happens if you believe he has improved. But you and your children need security.

Otherwise if he stays he can't have access to the money anymore. Take his cards and he can get an allowance. For now do you have friends or family who could help you out? The main priority is getting rent and council tax paid and maybe see if you can go to a food bank

cheesydoesit · 03/11/2019 16:24

And no, don't tell your husband about the maintenance money for your son.

mencken · 03/11/2019 16:31

so sorry. Sadly this looks like the second bite and so he's not going to change. I hope I am wrong. Let him feel bad, serve him right. And he needs to get help tomorrow.

If you are a month into a private rental and this is England, the tenant protections work in your favour. Your landlord can't use sec 21 until the expiry of your fixed term (which will be at least five months away) and sec 8 can't be started until you are two months in arrears. So pay the council tax as you can be in far more trouble for that (and I say that as a landlord - that's why we get rent guarantee). You'd better let the landlord know that the rent will be late and what the plan is, but understandably he/she won't be looking to renew your tenancy.

secure all money NOW and leave him access to nothing as he clearly cannot be trusted.

again -so sorry. What a shit.

Bessiebigpants · 03/11/2019 16:37

Food banks can help with food in this situation Maybe pay some council tax and some rent to show willing. As for your husband I think it's impossible to come back from this I'm sorry

Original poster
Beyondexhausted19 · 03/11/2019 16:52

Thank you. Had to leave LA because lack of space and a 7 Yr wait.
He's given me all his cards.

In every other aspect he's great with us and kids etc.
I want to believe this wouldn't happen again
As for assets we have nothing. My car in in my name..
House is joint Tennancy.

I receive the uc in to my account. And CM for ds. And the CB.

I don't work..I gave up due to childcare costs and a crap employer bullying. And all family work ft so no one to help.

Once baby here I have no issue in getting a job in the evening.

I just don't know what to think. I feel Numb.

OP posts:
summersherewishiwasnt · 03/11/2019 16:53

Text him. There isn’t any and we have no money,
I couldn’t live like that. Gambling is addictive and a fools errand. He will drag you and your children under.

summersherewishiwasnt · 03/11/2019 16:55

Your children deserve better, you can’t wash their clothes because you can’t afford washing powder and he did it (gambled the money) for you ... because you were short of money after the move. Ffs he is trying to avoid blame.

Meruem · 03/11/2019 17:01

I'd actually advise the opposite of a pp. I'd say prioritise rent over council tax. If you ring the council and explain your situation they can adjust the payments to pay the arrears over the rest of the year. Or pay one extra payment at the end or whatever. The rent is the roof over your head and that has to be more important than anything. It's a real shame you gave up your old place but what's done is done. If you're not going to leave him then you need to be in charge of all the money. And do regular credit checks to make sure he hasn't taken out cards/loans etc in your name. Addicts (of any kind) can be very devious in order to get their "fix".

Original poster
Beyondexhausted19 · 03/11/2019 17:07

Yeah I don't whole heartedly belive that he did it because of the house move.
. He does gamble but normally £2 at a weekend that's it. And I know that's all he does as I can see his stateminets or I put the £2 on if I'm out and about in cash.

Like I say I have money for necessities but I'm. Not telling him
I may say I got it off my mum and he's be mortified.. Altho I'd never borrow money or tell family.

The total he gambled was 310 as I've just got a mini statement.. So not masses but definitely a big sum for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beyondexhausted19 · 03/11/2019 17:09

He's searched gambler anonymous and wants to sit with me later and go thro it. But atm my head is everywhere that I can't even think straight.

I have all his cards.
We were meant to open a joint account as was easier for me. But I've gone online and cancelled the apt..

OP posts:
Inebriati · 03/11/2019 17:28

Only an abusive controlling POS would let you to leave your job and social housing and move into private, then pull this stunt.

cheesydoesit · 03/11/2019 17:31

What does he mean when he says 'sit with him and go through it'? By all means be supportive but don't do it for him. In what form does he gamble every Saturday? Online or in a betting shop? Also how do you know it is only once a week? Might he only withdraw £2 a Saturday but continue to gamble with any winnings throughout the week on worl breaks or in the evenings etc?

cheesydoesit · 03/11/2019 17:34

I'm glad you have thought again about opening a joint account with him. Keep all benefits and payments you recieve for you an the kids and try to put some aside if possible (I know it's probably not). If he takes stock and makes steps to stop gambling and make it up to you then great, if not at least you will have a bit of a buffer for when you need to go it alone.

Original poster
Beyondexhausted19 · 03/11/2019 18:14

It was my choice to give up work. And both to move
He wants me to look at how to get help with him.
I know it's only 2 as it's not on his statements and he doesn't take cash to work as no need to.
Only time it's more is if a big match in the week and may put on a quid. I can guarantee I know that 100%

OP posts:
Original poster
Beyondexhausted19 · 03/11/2019 18:32

And the wishing hadn't moved bit was referring to the house issues which the landlord is sorting but taking ages.. And lots of upheaval that I can do without.

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 03/11/2019 19:07

But you don't need help, do you, OP? You sound extremely switched on money-wise and a very good manager.

He is the one with the problem so he needs to seek help.

I wouldn't cover any more than bare essentials for you and your DC from savings, no treats or extras for his lunches, boiled pasta and tinned tomatoes for dinner. Don't pretend your DM bailed you out or he'll think she'll do it every time!

If he asks where his treats are, tell him he gambled them away.

He's a massive leak in your careful finance bucket and it just won't go as far. This behaviour is in dealbreaker territory for me.

If you sign up to 'support' him in beating his gambling habit and he fails, it will magically be your fault for not being supportive ennough!

Besides, what more could you be doing to keep things on track? He's the one with the problem.

NearlyGranny · 03/11/2019 19:22

Or food bank as PPs have wisely suggested.

Surely that will be more of a wakeup call than pretending to borrow from your DM?

TowerRavenSeven · 03/11/2019 19:29

I’m so sorry. I couldn’t live like this. Since you said it was ages ago that he did it I’m afraid it might happen again. What will he gamble with next? University money, savings? I’d be gone.

Original poster
Beyondexhausted19 · 03/11/2019 19:38

Thanks. I've told him he has to deal with it. I'm gonna have a bath and go to bed. I can't even be near him at the moment.

We won't need food banks etc as I generally have lots in. Just the fresh needed ie. Essentials. Which I have the money for. But agree I'm not buying his stuff. Fuck it..

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 03/11/2019 19:51

He was very wrong to gamble essential money but I couldn’t live with a gambler anyway.

However your overall finances are very precarious given your not making ends meet without benefits and are adding another child. It sounds like you both need to step up re spending less and earning more.

Inebriati · 03/11/2019 21:43

you say it was your choice, but would you have chosen to give up work or move if you knew this was an issue?

Span1elsRock · 03/11/2019 21:57

He's been in tears? I bet. For himself. Not you.

You're an idiot OP if you stay after this. The situation will never change, and you can't police his spending for the rest of your life.

Don't be the Mum that inflicts a shit childhood on their kids.

ChoccieEClaire · 03/11/2019 21:59

Look for a charity called Break even, they can offer him free counselling.

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