To tell MIL my DH is not responsible for his DSis?

[jumpingoverthemoon]

DH works long days - up at 6.15am finishes at 8pm. I work 3 days and do house/kid stuff - that works well for us. We have 2 pre teen dc who are great - no trouble, nice home, happy but work hard for it. No complaints though. DSIL is married, 2 dc a bit younger than ours, decent home in very expensive area that needs stuff doing to it. Her DH works much shorter hours than my DH - 9-4 and she does 3 days like me. But everything is so hard for them apparently and she constantly moans at MIL. She never rings DH and if he rings her she tells him how great things are in a rather over the top showy off way. MIL then gets very irate that my DH isn't doing more to help her (we live 2hrs drive away), but she never asks what he is up to. This is a recurring theme and really grating. We have loads on - busy job plus we are doing lots of renovations to our house. Kids do football one day at the weekend. How would you tell MIL it's not up to my DH.

Are you sure that it's not just your MIL thinking your DH (her own son) is superior in the DIY/getting stuff done stakes than her son-in-law?

Come up with a standard push back and use it every time the subject is raised - 'oh no, that's X's job not mine - sister is an adult now, they do their own house work, what have you done to help them mum?' and repeat ad nauseum. Push back is the way to go, and push it back to the people who should be doing it (SIL and her DH) or the person that thinks it should be done (MIL).

She's the favourite, you'll never change your MIL. We have similar and just don't answer the phone a lot now.

When she rings hand the phone to dh. His mum, his sister, his problem.

Is your DH the eldest?

Some parents never seem to outgrow the (rather toxic) idea that it's the elder sibling's job to support and help out the younger one. Even when the younger one is fully adult and has more money and free time than the older one. I know one guy who is still expected to pay for every meal out that he and his brother have together. Plus drinks, train tickets, you name it. The younger brother is 42.

Or maybe they think that SIL is just a girl and can't possibly do all these big manly things (not sure where this leaves BIL, though).

Either way it's a pile of shite and puts stress on all the family relationships.

People are so bloody odd. Why on earth does he need her brother’s help? She can do it herself, pay someone, or her DH can do it. Or even MIL!

MIL then gets very irate that my DH isn't doing more to help her

That is bizarre. What does she say when you point out SIL has her own husband?

I would just say "oh DH has been working all hours this week" and drone on about how much you've got on yourselves over the top of her.

But I'm not sure why you're engaging in these conversations with her anyway.

DH is not a moaner and will not ever have a moan with her but she is a very negative person. DSis moans about her DH to MIL so she thinks her is useless despite the fact he cooks every night and has done all the work on their house so far. DSis has done none because 'she doesn't know how'. DH has told her to pay to get it done if she can't do it bit apparently they don't want to use their savings.

My. DM is a bit like this with me and my sister. Trust me she thinks she's helping. You should let your DH deal. He needs to tell his DM he will speak to his sis ( therefore being 'supportive' ) and phone his Dsis and say 'Mum says you need help, tell me what you need' then see if it's reasonable. If she wants to know how to go about getting a good roofer ( for arguments sake) he could talk her through it, if she wants him to tile her roof he can spell out exactly why he can't do that. It's no good getting annoyed with whisperings on the grapevine, your DH needs to talk directly to both of them. If I were you I would stay out of it yourself though. It's annoying but don't give them anything else to complain about

I think the important thing is whether your DH is actually doing these things - like house stuff - and he isn’t, phew.

So really you need do nothing except reiterate to your DH that of course he doesn’t have the time, and if MiL says anything directly to you, then be honest.

You’d have a much bigger problem if your DH was actually doing all this stuff for them. Which is what I’ve had!

YABU

How would you tell MIL it's not up to my DH

I doubt many of us would do this. Why do you think this is your job? If DH is annoyed by it he can tell MIL. It sounds like MIL isn't moaning to you about it but to DH so I don't see how it affects you.

If you are tired of DH mentioning it just say it's up to him to tell MIL if he finds it annoying. This sounds like a non issue.

So if the SIL's DH is already doing work on the house why does she need her brother to do it?

Just tell MIL DH is busy working on your own house in his spare time.

Ask MIL when SIL is coming over to yours to help with the renovations?

Your dh is already dealing with this and dealing with it the way he wants to. Leave it alone, not your problem.

Of course SIL doesn't want to use her savings... she wants your DH to do it for free! CF