To ask how I can rebuild my life after having lost myself in an unhealthy marriage?

[GGxoxo]

I have totally lost myself having invested every ounce of my being in an unhealthy marriage. I have spent years trying to change my husbands unhealthy behaviours and issues and I have finally truly made the realisation that you cannot change another person, and they will only change if they want to. I have ended up in a very isolated place with no friends but my family are still close to me fortunately. I do not pursue any hobbies or anything for myself. My life has consisted of trying to make my husband the best possible version of himself, and I have made myself the worst possible version of myself in the process. I have been suffering from anxiety which I am working on, and I have totally let go of my appearance. I eat junk food a lot and I am very unfit. I spend a lot of my time in my room, on my phone/laptop. I also think my mindset is just really negative right now and that I am awful company to be around, and I want to make some major changes but I just don’t even know where to begin.

I wondered if you ladies could tell me the kind of things you have in your life that keep it positive and make you the best version of yourself?

Maybe start with one or two small goals to aim for to begin with, to start building your confidence. Recognise that it's time to invest in you and do one or two small things each day to help you feel positive about yourself. You come across as having a lot of insight and self-awareness which is fantastic, and you also have the added bonus of a supportive family. Time to get yourself a nice notebook so you could perhaps begin healthy meal planning just a day at a time if needs be, and decide some aims for the day and the week. Play some music you love and try just making a little conversation when you're out. Believe that things will get better and you can take back control of your own life. Good luck OP! x

OP what a well written and insightful post.
Have you divorced or just separated?
Do you have children ?
Buy a second notebook to use as a Gratitude Journal and every evening write 3 things you are grateful for that day- It might just be a lovely sunset or a squirrel you saw in the garden or somebody showing kindness. After a few weeks it helps your mood.
Can you do an evening course in something that you've always wanted to do or join a sports club and get involved. Small steps.

Running is good for me. I followed a couch to 5k app and now run a couple of times a week, only for half an hour or so each time. I’m not trying to get mega fit but it just feels good to get out in the fresh air and use your body.

You sound amazing. Like the others have said, build on the small things, if you can sing in tune, join a choir, they are everywhere these days and in my experience, great for lifting ones mood. Maybe join a slimming club, MyFitnessPal app and exercise dvds? I really think you’ll be fine. Good luck 😉

Freedom Programme for a start.

Lots of time single. I was single for 4 years after, and it made a HUGE difference to my self esteem.

Study? Hobbies? Do all the things you love.

Also - therapy, possibly medication too. Both helped me order my thoughts so I could understand what the fuck had happened to me and enabled me to build myself from scratch.

I am in same place as you. It sucks!

Things that have helped

Getting a fruit box delivered once a week.. if it’s there I eat it and I feel better for it
Getting out and about in nature - trees or by big bodies of water
Doing something that’s hard to do solo but sense of achievement After.. like go swimming taking two small kids (almost kills me each time 😂)
Doing something nice for others.. sending a postcard, baking a cake to take in to work
Seeing a counsellor .. some work places give some funded sessions if you can talk to HR
pottery painting, yoga, dance classes

Also the book: chimp management

Get out and walk in a safe park or near the river/sea etc and let nature heal you. Do things that make you happy. Music. Dancing around in the privacy of your own room (good for mood and weight)! Good luck.

Do you have any career goals for the next few years? I would focus on that firstly if you need to do any courses.
If you don’t, are there any courses you’d like to do?
There are loads of free online courses in pretty much anything.
Achievements like that and exercise goals are a huge boost.
Little things like buying a really nice mug to drink your tea or coffee from. It will remind you every day that you’re worth something.

Eat your 5 portions of fruit and veg, drink 8 glasses of water, take some multivitamins and walk every day to get you feeling healthier.