To not want to work

[CornishCreation]

I am an an extreme introvert and I was severely bullied for this at school. I had my son at 17 and became a stay home mum, during this time I didn't make any new friends as I didn't talk much and people just thought I was weird.
I got to the point where I couldn't go out for fear of being judged, I went to the DR and had a drink to get myself to him and told him my issues and he diagnosed me with agoraphobia but said he was glad I was able to come out that day after a drink and that if it was a drink that it took then that wasn't a bad thing.
Anyway fast forward 20 of alcohol to go outside and I got a job in a pub (drunk of course) and met my husband (we married 2 years later) I am now sober and again frightened of going out alone.
We had a baby 3 years ago and she changed my life I no longer felt afraid to go out because I had a pushchair (I don't know how that helped) and I suddenly loved life and my husband was always with me and I was finally happy.
Now I'm faced with the prospect of going back to work and I don't think I can do it unless I start drinking again.
I have social anxiety so bad I don't know what to do, I love my life right now but the thought of going back to work makes me think I can't carry on.
I tried to volunteer somewhere last week but I just sat in the car outside and couldn't bring myself to go in.
I just don't know how I can function in this world.
I love my children so I can't go back to the doctor as they will take the children and that's all I have.

I meant 20 years of alcohol

But I'm not an alcoholic as I haven't drank in 4 years but I don't think I was ever an alcoholic I just used a drink to get me to go outside.

No one will take your children because you have agoraphobia and seek medical help for it.
However, as might end up intervening if you start drinking to excess again.

Go to the doctor and get the help you need

Not 'as', I meant 'social services'

I love my children so I can't go back to the doctor as they will take the children and that's all I have. Why do you think that will happen?

You seem to have come back to a point in your life you couldn't cope with and are now faced with making the same poor decision.

You don't have to! You have a child, a DH who love you. Your GP won't say the same think to you, you will get help that, if you engage with it fully, will help.

Have you spoken to your DH about this? Do you have his support?

Have you tried getting help for your social anxiety? Many people find exposure therapy helpful. It's a way of gradually exposing yourself to more of the thing that makes you anxious.

At the end of the day, your anxiety is just a feeling, sure it's a powerful feeling, but it is just a feeling. You need to learn to engage the logical and rational bit of your brain to help you to manage when the reptilian bit of your brain kicks in and tells you that you are in danger. You aren't in danger and you can learn to experience the anxiety and feel OK. You might also get to the bottom of what is causing the anxiety in the first place. My hunch is that its some kind of trauma.

You don't have to give in to this feeling. You can push back and learn to manage it without alcohol. In fact, the drinking probably makes it worse in the long term.

My husband doesn't know I have social anxiety. I am fine at home and as I moved to another county so I could go out without
seeing anyone who knows me.

OK! So start by telling him the truth about how you feel. You tried a volunteering job. Start there. Tell him it surprised you as you felt so much better, that DD had given you so much more impetus to get out. Tell him you want to make it work but need his support and that you will be making a GP appointment first thing tomorrrow.

Small steps...

You have a choice at this moment in your life.

Go to the doctor and ask for help. Tell them about the drinking, and get some counselling. Be a good mother and live a happier life
OR
Drink.

Small steps and be open & honest with yourself and your family.

If you start with things to big then you are setting yourself up for failure - small goals and build upon them!

They won’t take your child for getting help; please start with talking to your DH and go from there.

As PP no one will take your child off you because you’re anxious/have agoraphobia. However you’re placing them and yourself in a precarious situation if you need to drink before being able to go to work - do you see the difference? First step is be honest with your DP about how you feel, and then together you can go to the doctor and take the next step. Lots of people have anxiety or other mental health issues, please don’t feel ashamed.

I promise they will not take your child. SS actually only take children who are in danger. Yours are not!
Ask for help OP. It could mean a whole different future for your children.

I quite get the bit about being able to go out with a baby in a pushchair. You have something between yourself and the world. And the world tends to focus on the child rather than the mother so you were safe. Now you don't have that protection and have to meet the world on your own terms. I do think a doctor will be able to help. There is medication available.

Also have a look at what type of job you might manage. Perhaps a solitary role. Could you do caring work? That way you would be 1 - 1 with a person even more vulnerable than yourself. That might be a safe option for you rather than getting a job in a shop with a bunch of strangers or in an office where you are surrounded by others.

Just want to recommend Claire Weekes (you can listen to her books on you tube) she talks about how you can become sensitised to certain situations so that even thinking about then triggers a highly anxious state, and how to live with and through this. Really helped me.