DS / DH argument about homework

[apple0pie]

I may of over reacted so i need some perspective.

Just got back from holiday and had a letter saying DS had missed 3-4 pieces of homework this term. I know this is not a massive deal but we had an agreement as he's going on a £1k holiday this year with the school (not educational) and the deal was he had do give 110% at school, and that I expected him to do more that the minimum for homework as we were making a big effort to send him on this trip.

I was furious to come back to this letter today but my DH says I'm over reacting and we don't need to discuss it. I'm so angry that I have to come back to this as I feel we give out DS lots of support with homework and I ask him everyday about his work. He's in secondary school so this is partly about him messing around and not writing down what he is supposed to do.

I think we should give him consequences like banning the PlayStation for a week or two my Dh won't discuss it.

Am I being unreasonable or is my DH and how should we me managing this?

Does your DH think not doing homework is ok?
For a school to send a letter they are obviously concerned.

I think no video games etc until the homework is done on a daily basis.
You are right it can't be ignored

I think my husband has two issues

1. He HATEs conflict and I am strict and he hates me telling off the children. He says he way works and I'm telling him it obviously doesn't as he believes everything our son says yet I think he 13 so obviously he will not tell us he hadn't done his homework.

1. He doesn't see it as such a big deal as it's just a couple of pieces of homework and generally out son is doing well at school.

To me education is very important and I went to uni as it was drilled in me as we were from a working class family that education was important to get a good job. My DH also working class family only did an apprenticeship and had a good salary so doesn't think it's as important.

But I think my issue is that DS agreed to make an effort in exchange for a holiday and he's not holding up his side of the bargain.
The truth is we are proud to be able to pay for an amazing holiday for him as we work really hard and it's something we could not of had when we were young as our families could of never of paid that for us.

Also the letter from school is a standard practice so sent to everyone who misses homework

If ds agreed to the deal - 110 %=school trip then imo it's that principle itself not the lack of homework that needs addressing.
Ds needs to see he made an agreement and can't just ignore end.
He needs to reduce games time after school and do more school work or I would be second thinking the trip going ahead.
And mean it.
In the future explain he will also be open to bargaining to gain but you may not be after this example...

When this happened to me with my son at a similar age I didn't see a need to punish further
The consequence to my son was me going into the school with him to speak to the head of year. To completely clarify what work was missing ( son had played it down and denied it was as much as had been stated!) my son then had to compete the work to the satisfaction of his head of year in a time frame set by HOY.
It was no big deal, all done and sorted by that day
The important thing is the homework gets done

No gaming during the week. No gaming at the weekend until all work and chores are done.

Your idea about screen time is very sensible. Homework first, screentime after, meets the two rules of successful rewards: rule one, you get the behaviour want (homework done) before you hand the reward over (screen time). And it meets the second rule of successful rewards too: it's very clear exactly what you want him to do to earn it. Homework ready to hand in and every question attempted (even some answers aren't quite as good as they might be) is clear.

But I think my issue is that DS agreed to make an effort in exchange for a holiday and he's not holding up his side of the bargain.

I'm afraid there might be nothing you can do about that. You can't have something huge like a thousand-pound holiday where you have probably already paid a deposit conditional on him doing all his homework now. It's too late, you are already committed to the holiday. And "Making an effort" is too vague. Maybe to him, handing him most of his homeworks is "making an effort". You wouldn't want your boss to refuse pay you for not "making an effort", if your boss was unhappy with your work you'd want to know exactly what you need to do and how much of it and for how long.

If there are some optional activities in the trip that he wants to do then you could insist that he has to do all his homework with no complaints from the school for three months before you'll pay for him to do the option. Or something else that he can earn, step by step. But if there isn't then work before screentime is a good strategy.

I'm with your husband. By all means if it continues then address it.

Also "only did an apprenticeship" - you're a cheeky fucker for that. Apprenticeships are often far more valuable than degrees so perhaps you need to remove your head from your arse a little.

So basically your agreement is worthless. DS knows that his DF will ensure that there are no consequences for not doing the homework. I really feel for you OP

Bloody homework - bad enough in and of itself without parents disagreeing about it.

My DGS did virtually no homework while at school on the grounds that it was easier to do the detention than to do the homework. He scraped his way though a few GCSEs and is now at college doing what he really wants to do - he is there every day working hard and enjoying it. And he is very good at it.

Homework is a blight on home life, which is the place where they should be relaxing and enjoying time with their family.

We endorse the idea that it is not good for working adults to bring work home that impinges on family time - why is it different for children?

There is nothing to be gained by collecting tons of GCSEs like charms on a bracelet. Children need a rounded education without all the exam and SATs pressure - then later they can concentrate on those things that really interest them.

I have a nephew who came out of school with no paper qualifications at all. He went on to become an area manager of a care company who provide help to disturbed young adults in their homes. He is brilliant at it. He did some NVQs at college whilst at work. He is a lovely young man.

Don't fret about the homework - and yes do let him go on his once-in-a-lifetime trip. It should never have been conditional on homework performance in the first place.

I would definitely be making a big deal about this. If it's one piece missed and it was a genuine mistake, fair enough. But 3 or 4 pieces and he hasn't caught up on his own initiative? That's not okay, holiday or no holiday.

The consequences need to relate to the original deal, so I would be restricting his pocket money as a contribution to the holiday costs. Say, £20/piece of homework missed. With a sliding scale so that if you get a similar letter at the end of term, that's £30/piece missed.

Also "only did an apprenticeship" - you're a cheeky fucker for that.

That too. I teach graduate apprentices now and they are some of our best students, ahead of many fulltime students.

But not handing their coursework in is the fastest way for any student to fail, apprentice or fulltime. Maybe your DH doesn't think schoolwork is "proper" work. Ask your DH how his boss would react if he didn't bother to do work he was told to do. Would that count as "generally doing OK at work" to his boss?

um ... before you do anything have you actually talked to DS? My DC often get "no homework marks" and they've done the homework but forgotten to hand it in, or the teacher has overlooked it or they've forgotten to mark it off in the VLE ... So first point, is the homework genuinely missed? Secondly, why has he not done the homework? There is a massive difference between "I couldn't be bothered" and "I tried, but I couldn't do it". Yes, in the latter case he should have spoken to his teacher, but children this age don't always do the right thing and/or he might have felt awkward/embarrassed to do so.

So perhaps wait for an explanation before you go in all guns blazing?

If you made a deal with DS you need to follow through or there is no point making any future deals.

I'd talk to him first just incase there have been any issues. And say as he has only given 95pc you will only pay 95pc of the trip and he can pay the remaining 5pc to be earned by doing extra chores, and keep reducing every time he cant be bothered at school (I doubt he will after that)

Sorry for offending people about the apprenticeship but what I was trying to say is that I value education my husband doesn't see a need to it as he came out of school with no GCSEs and had a good salary as he did an apprenticeship.

We both are fortunate to have good salaries so I don't have an issue with apprenticeship but he does often say that he didn't get any choices in life as he had no qualifications and he says he had to choose a career at 16 which he has had to stay in all his life.

And yes we have spoken to our son now and we have had tears and tantrums as he had so much maths to do as he hasn't done it all over the term.

our families could of never of paid that for us

If that’s what your university education taught you, then you should ask for your tuition fees back.

110% is also impossible. You’ve set an impossible task for your child.

What was your son's reasons as to why he hadn't done the homework @apple0pie? Does he need support, or is he just swerving the work? Is it affecting his grades?

I would perhaps find out what work he needs to catch up on and go from there as another PP said.

Personally I would never want to threaten something I wouldn't carry out, so I wouldn't make an expensive trip a condition because after paying for it I'd want my DC to do it (whether they'd done their work or not). Perhaps earning time gaming would be a better and more manageable way through?

An apprenticeship IS education.

Genuinely I think trying to force all children to be academic is a real problem. Has he told you why the work wasn't done?

Genuinely I think trying to force all children to be academic is a real problem. - indeed so. And those who are not academic are left to feel like rejects when they may have other valuable skills which we all need.

Are you happy now britwife? Feel better for commenting on that? Could you really not understand the op?