To not want to be lumbered with my DM's admin

[Stressedbutbless3d]

My DM (64) has alcoholism and health problems for which she receives employment support allowance. She has received a fitness for work form from the DWP which needs to be completed and sent back. I have a strained relationship with her, mainly due to the alcohol abuse. I've tried for years, to my own detriment, to help and support her to no avail.

She's very close to her younger sister who has appointed herself my DMS next of kin. it's a very codependant relationship and her sister tries to overrule me when I try to intervene and support DM. I've had to detatch with love over the past year for my own sake as it takes it's toll and I have very young children.

I'm recovering from a period of poor health since having my youngest baby and am a lone parent to the baby and my older child who is disabled. My DP walked out on us a fortnight ago and my mental health is in tatters.

Aunt has lumbered me with the two large forms and wants me to fill them in for DM and send it off so she doesn't lose her benefits, but neither of them have given me the relevant information to write on the forms such as what medication she's on and for how long etc.

DM has poor literacy skills so can't do her own admin, and my aunt who happens to be perfectly lucid and intelligent says she can't do it because people don't understand her handwriting

I don't know any of this because I've been pushed out, by aunt, who accompanies her to medical appointments.

I'm told not to get involved, but now there is admin to be done it apparently falls to me.

I've just sat down to try and complete the forms and obviously can't because I don't have the relevant information, not even her national insurance number. I don't know what medications she's on or for how long. I've been lumbered with forms I don't have the information to complete and it's stressing me out. I asked DM about her medications and she can't remember the proper names or exactly when they started.

AIBU to give the forms back and say I don't have the headspace for this. I've got enough going on myself.

Is this selfish?

Direct them them to the Citizens Advice or a relevant charity.

I do what is being asked if you, in my family, but you are going through a bad time and need to self care.

I've put myself out in the past for relatives and friends and you find that you make little difference to the outcomes for them.

You've got enough going on.

No it's not selfish, your mother and aunt can't have it both ways.

If you're feeling generous you could offer to scribe for your aunt if she comes to your house with the necessary information and dictates what to write on the forms - given she says her handwriting is the issue.

Good God no. Give them back to aunt, since she's the self appointed next of kin and you've been shut out from the requisite information. She'll just have to make more effort with her handwriting.

You have enough to cope with.

Er, no.

I'd be VERY blunt with Aunt here I'm afraid.

'Aunt, I'm giving these forms back to you. I've made an attempt to fill them in, but all it's made me realise is just how much you have completely taken over with Mum as I have no idea about half the points that need to be filled in. So as YOU are the one with all the information, YOU are going to have to fill them in. You can't have it both ways - if you want me to be involved in Mum's support then you need to involve me fully and also respect my opinion. If your handwriting is so poor, then print. I've had an extremely hard time recently and I don't appreciate being kept at arm's length but then have demands made on me when it suits.'

Not selfish at all. Return the forms, say you can’t complete them without all the info, and aunt will have to do it. If she knows her handwriting is bad, she’ll have to try harder and write in caps.

DM has a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I've written a letter for her to take, to present to the GP - requesting a list of medications and length of ongoing prescription for the purpose of providing evidence of illness to the DWP.

I've said to DM if she can get these then I'm prepared to revisit the forms, but I'm not thrilled about being lumbered with it now of all times.

For the record there's nothing wrong with aunts handwriting she just can't be bothered with admin.

Second others on referral to Citizens Advice. Having lived similar, please take care of yourself. You can't cure this and you shouldn't make yourself unwell trying.

Step right back and don't do anything, your aunt cares nothing for your well-being neither does your mother, you need to protect yourself from both of them
Don't do anything, don't let this become your problem

Just say, NO.

Give forms back to Aunt. End of story. Don't be guilted into this.

The handwriting thing is a bullshit excuse and she knows it, she also knows that if she can get you to accept this bs she can get you to accept other bs

Don’t do it! Why on Earth let yourself be walked all over by your mum and aunt? No. I don’t have time or energy, and I don’t want to. Citizens Advice can.

This is just the thin end of the wedge, your aunt can see that your mother is getting more problematic and she doesn't want to have to do the extra work but she doesn't want to lose her control over the situation.
Getting you to take responsibility for these forms is a way of drawing you into the situation so that she can control you as well as control your mother, your aunt wants to be the boss and she wants to get you to work for her.

You are not selfish at all.

Google your DMs area name & "Advocacy Service" you will find her local one & you can refer your DM to the,. I had to do similar fir my DB & they are far better equipped to deal with this sort of stuff than we are.

Tell her to write in block capitals.

Citizens advice and advocacy services are good ideas, thank you

I was more than happy to take the lead in supporting mum for years but was always overruled and undermined. It just so happens now when I'm in a crap position myself suddenly my "help" is needed.

Yep I also thought she should just write in block capitals, which the form actually instructs you to.

It says at the start to write in block capitals and pen.

It's too much effort for her to be arsed I think. If she can't be slap dash (which is her default setting) she passes the book to somebody else.

I would hand it back simply for the reason if her payment is withdrawn/reduced you are going to be blamed!

...and they may demand you pay the shortfall.

Contact the local branch of Age UK. They are very experienced with all this and can help your mum fill the forms in (with or without input from aunt)

This is exactly the reason for that charity, even though they do other things the one thing they have to have is an advice centre.

The cheek of it. You owe them nothing.
You have been given good advice on here.
All I will say is hand form back to aunt and tell her what Fizzy green has said. I also think Ghost has a good point.
Don't feel guilty and I hope your own life improves soon.

Don't be a pushover. Give them back to your aunt

I was thinking that social services should be able to help. They would then possibly take overall control of the situation.

But - no you are not being irresponsible. Your DM is an adult and one with problems that you cannot solve. Don't feel guilty about not being able do everything that others say they want you to do - especially if they are going to turn around and have a go at you because you've done what they asked of you.