Is my friend's fiancé a little controlling ?

[Nicolepb99]

Not just controlling but a little bit of a prat in general. Or maybe I have been single for so long that I don't know what's what anymore !

She is quite insecure about her smile and was bullied a little for it at school (very protruding teeth and overbite) and she says he teases her about them in a 'jokey way' but then tells her she's beautiful.

She said that the other week she asked for a cereal bar from the kitchen and he jokingly threw one at her, but it ended up whacking her in the eye, leaving her with a bruise and in tears.

She says how he will always have to go against her opinion and that everything has to be a heated debate. I replied that I too would find that tiresome if it was constant and she went silent.

She says that when they first moved in together he made her throw away all the clothes and shoes she never wore, taught her what she did and didn't need and 'how to only keep the things she needed.'

They train at the gym together, and he kept insisting she didn't need to wear gloves, and that he would stop training with her if she carried on wearing them, so she stopped wearing them.

Once I had just been through a break-up, i had been out with her and we were in her car and I was quite teary. This was after a dance class and apparently she was always supposed to ring him when she finished. (it finished at a reasonable time, safe area etc). Anyway he rang and she didnt answer as she was comforting me.
He then started texting me asking if she was with me and what she was doing.

On another occasion, I met her for a coffee, she kept looking at her phone and saying she has promised Dave she would be back at a certain hour, and we didn't end up staying long for the coffee.

Apparently not long ago he had a go at her for spending too much money and not budgeting.

He is the main breadwinner and has quite a strong personality. I voiced my concern to another friend and she agreed with me.

She usually replies fast to messages but sometimes she will take a while and i feel like it's because she's 'consulting' with him first.

I know there isn't a lot I can do and it's probably none of my business, but just wondered what others thought.

All those red flags are there

Mmm can mention no one should need to check in when next out with her

And when she mentions something he has done day that doesn’t seem fair then ask her what she thinks - she will no doubt be feeling confused and needs to explore how she feels rather than someone else tell her she is wrong for putting up with him or he is wrong - she knows

And just be there for her

I would run for the hills if I were her. Some of the things don’t sound bad in isolation - for example, encouraging someone to get rid of clothes they never wear - but take on a new significance when combined with the other things he’s doing. Is he actually saying ‘Get rid of those shoes you never wear’ because he doesn’t want her to wear them, in the same way he doesn’t want her to wear training gloves?

Thanks for the reply. I have tried to subtly hint before but she just laughs nervously and doesn't say any more.
As far as I know he is on a very good salary and they have quite a lavish lifestyle together now, however I'm worried that him paying the mortage etc. Makes him think that he gets to make all other decisions too.

Thanks, i'm not sure about the clothes thing but from what she said he went through her stuff and said "You don't need this, you don't need that, you never wear them."
Theyre getting married next year and I don't see her leaving him. I don't think he could be abusive or anything but I do get a little concerned

Control is a form of abuse

He is certainly trying to control your friend

It's coercive control

For starters are you sure the cereal bar incident was an accident as she described and it wasn't a cover story for an actual assault?

If it was an accident how did he react, was he mortified or did he laugh?

He doesn't sound very nice and without money would probably have been dumped by now.

I can guarantee that once they are married, his controlling behaviour will increase significantly. Its a really difficult situation, as nothing you say to her will make her change her mind. I think its the Womens Aid website lists all the different types of controlling, coercive and abusive behaviours. How do you think she would react to you showing them to her? All you can do is be there for her and hope she comes to her senses. He sounds awful.

Hi OP - what stands out for me is when you say this “Dave” always has to turn everything into a heated debate. This would be very draining and could easily wear your friend down.

All the other observations - hmm, it’s hard to say because maybe there is s context? For instance, when she left the coffee meet-up with you early, maybe she’s already committed to being somewhere else with him st a certain time. Or maybe she does hoard clothes from god knows when and when she moved in with him there was only one wardrobe so stuff she hasn’t worn in decades has to go? The ddnce class scenario - well, maybe he was just worried because their norm is that she calls him?

Also the fact that he’s paying the mortgage and earns more is neither here nor there. Millions of couples are in that situation.

Thanks for the replies. Youre right, control is a form of abuse and that was silly of me not to pick up on that.
She's really in love with him and I imagine she would be gutted if I shower her this, or be strongly in denial.
Their wedding is round the corner, and I do fear it will get worse. All I can do is be there for her but I will look for more signs, and try to voice my opinion more strongly if there are other incidents.
She's a very good friend and I worry that this may cause a rift between me and her if I do say anything.

DS (25) threw a cereal bar at me last week ( I asked him to as he was closest to the cupboard), and it hit me in the face. It did not bruise me. Not even any redness. And it was quite a solid. So my immediate thought is that he must have thrown it at her with quite some force to cause a black eye...some serious red flags here. If it was my friend I’d be advising her to seriously consider if this is the sort of relationship she should be continuing with.

Yeah, she said that it really hurt and that it left her in tears. The fact that he 'thought it would be funny to throw it' says it all

All these things could be explained in a different way.

Yes he could be controlling.

Or they don't have a lot of space, and she's a shit lot of crap, so they went through it together. The cereal bar was an accident, he wasn't looking, and he was worrying about her after th dance class as she didn't call like she said she would. And to be fair, yeah he's right about wearing gloves to the gym, that's weird.

So yes, he could be controlling, or it could be he's very caring and there is nothing here, Simply your positioning of it is maybe written in a way that validates your thoughts.

@Morporkia this. DH and I have definitely accidentally hit each other with things by mistake when throwing them across the room (in a ‘pass me X...’ way) and never ever marked each other.

OP these are serious red flags and I think you are not getting the full story. However, if you are going to speak to her about this, PLEASE be careful and think through how you broach this.

I lost my best friend 10 years ago because of this. New bf was showing serious signs of being a controlling, potentially abusive person. I had a frank conversation with her and she agreed with me. She’d dumped another guy the month before for being the exact same way. Next thing I know, he’s making noises about me being a bad influence/jealous/interfering and she cut me, and all of our other friends who had concerns, out. Not immediately, but over a series of months. They’re married now and even her family are low contact. So please be careful that she doesn’t get isolated from you.

The thing is, you have given her ample time and opportunity to confide in you and she has chosen not to. So all you can do is be there for her. You cannot force people to see what you are seeing, indeed, it might be your impression that's skewed and not hers.

If she were my close friend I think I would tell her how the information comes across to me, assure her that she can tell me anything and that I'll respect her choices but will always be there if she needs help.

You'd have to throw a cereal bar fixing hard to leave a bruise / black eye! Agree this could be a cover story for something worse.

He sounds thoroughly horrible but you won't get anywhere by telling her that. If you can stand to keep your mouth shut, you'll be more helpful to her if you can stay friends with her eg if he doesn't see you as a threat

Agree with Preggosaurus about it possibly being a cover up for an actual assault. My first thought on reading this was 'Wow! It must have been a very heavy cereal bar,or he must have thrown it with terrific force'.

I think it's really important to find out how he reacted to the cereal bar hitting her (if it's not a cover story)
A boyfriend when I was a teenager backhanded me across the face completely by accident (we were messing around with him trying on my glasses and he was commenting on how little vision he had with them on whilst waving his arms around) and his reaction to hitting me was to look close to tears and spend hours apologising. He was clearly mortified by his reaction.

I agree with what other PP have said one or two of these things could be innocent enough but together it seems pretty suspicious.