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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenage boys sharing a bedroom

19 replies

Hatherden123 · 03/11/2019 08:20

We had a big bust up last night and I could really do with some outside views as I can't see beyond my own anger here.

I have two teen boys 13 and 15 who share a bedroom.

Older boy likes to lay on his bed on his phone to friends, his friends can see him and the room.
Younger brother tries to go in and is always told to "f off" - if he says no, because he wants to go to bed, or in last nights case he had got out of the bath and needed to get dressed, or just because he wants to say no, older brother has a go at him.
Younger brother than retaliates, throws socks at him etc and they end up fighting (not play-fighting - aggressive yanking to the floor, power one-upmanship) - this results in red marks on younger son as older child is much more muscular and larger.
when DH and I go in to put a stop to it, older sons phone is propped where the girl he was talking to can see everything that is going on in the room, including me and DH trying to raise our children and younger son being humiliated in wrestling - we too can see the girls face on the phone.
Am I unreasonble to think this is wrong wrong wrong and a totally horrid way for younger son to have to live, and for parents to be living as it feels way too public ?
I went ape, older son convinces DH that younger son "enjoys" it - bullshit - and that the problem is not his actions (being a mean bully) but MY reaction - older son states that he can do as he please and I can do nothing about it - DH agrees with son that I am over-reacting.
Sooo - am I over-reacting - am I supposed to just accept as DH does tht this is how it is with teens and their phones now.

OP posts:
Chocolatemouse84 · 03/11/2019 08:25

Your older son has no right to tell younger son he can't go in his own bedroom. Is there any way you can section the room off with a big curtain or something so there is more privacy? Your older son is definitely being unreasonable but, I can see a teenagers point of wanting to video chat to friends in private so if there was any way I could create a space for this, I would.
If not, and his bullying behaviour continues towards his little brother, I'd ban the phone in the bedroom and he'd have to sit in another room to chat to his friends

Sailorsgirl44 · 03/11/2019 08:27

Have a rule about phones being charged downstairs at night? From say 7pm to 7am? And everyone abides by it.

We have two boys too who share a room - they're young now but imagine we'll have similar problems!

LucileDuplessis · 03/11/2019 08:27

YANBU at all - poor DS2. He needs to feel comfortable in his own bedroom. DS1 is totally in the wrong here and I can't believe DH doesn't agree.

Sharpandshineyteeth · 03/11/2019 08:30

He looses the privilege of his phone in the room! Surely.

So younger DS cannot use his own room to relax? You need zero tolerance on violence. I would be horrified if my teenagers fought.

dontcallmeduck · 03/11/2019 08:33

Your older son is being extremely unreasonable but why are you letting him have his phone in his shared room when he’s abusing it to take away any privacy your younger son has.

Hahaha88 · 03/11/2019 08:37

If your husband is accepting of this behaviour I can see that the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree here.
You're his mother, of course you can do something about it. Starting with a no phones in the room ban after a certain time, say 8pm. Do not be a mug

Moominfan · 03/11/2019 08:47

Please speak up for your younger son. It's his space to. I'd be taking the phone off older son.

HugoSpritz · 03/11/2019 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumsneedwine · 03/11/2019 08:52

If husband thinks it's ok then he can share the room with eldest and youngest can move in with you. Seems fair ?

MargotLovedTom1 · 03/11/2019 08:55

First step would be to get the phone and switch it off when all this started. Sorry, I know that's not helpful now. The fact that your oldest son is telling you he can do as he pleases and you can do nothing about it is really worrying - he's only going to continue to get bigger and stronger.

Your husband is taking the easy way out for a quiet life. You need to talk to him alone first so you're both on the same page, then have a discussion with DS1 when everyone is calm. If he can't be reasonable with his brother when he wants to come in the room then he'll have to go into the kitchen or something to continue his call? I know it's an awkward set up for him, but as you've said he can't be allowed to behave like this.

CalamityJune · 03/11/2019 09:08

I think phones in bedrooms full stop is a bad idea to be honest. It will be hard, as this is what DS1 is used to, but your DS2 is entitled to privacy in that room and to not have his life broadcast. If DS1 wants to be on his phone, he needs to do it somewhere else and I think a cut off time would be a good idea too.

Oblomov19 · 03/11/2019 09:10

Oldest son should have had the common sense to stop the conversation with girl. But he didn't. Very telling. So self centred.

Your poor Ds2. You really need to attack this from all angles, like pp's have all suggested.

I should know. I have similar aged ds's and had similar minor problems.

bridgetreilly · 03/11/2019 09:20

This is really vile behaviour from your 15yo and it's pretty concerning that your DH doesn't seem to understand that.

NovoJester · 03/11/2019 09:25

Just wondering if oldest son is filming to show girl how macho he is?

Also I wouldn’t let him be on a video call when my other child was changing

JasonPollack · 03/11/2019 10:06

No phones in rooms. Your DH undermining
you is the biggest problem here.

MitziK · 03/11/2019 10:11

If your younger child is naked due to coming in from a shower/the towel comes off as he's being attacked - your older one is potentially guilty of some very serious offences by having the phone there. Especially as he's deliberately ensuring that his friend gets to see him humiliate his little brother in that way.

He's showing off. Lose the phone.

Sayhellotothethings · 03/11/2019 10:22

Either no phones in rooms or give your eldest something like an old Nokia which he can call and text from but not use video etc. He needs to learn the consequences of his actions.
Your youngest should be able to relax in his room without your eldest acting this way or being violent towards him. It's not acceptable.

AwkwardFucker · 03/11/2019 10:30

If my kids are on FaceTime they have to be in their rooms, not wandering around showing all and sundry our house etc, or getting others in the background, but I do think your 15yos behaviour is vile.

However he should have a space where he can where he can talk to his friends in private without his brother coming in.

I’ll never understand people who have more kids than bedrooms, but that’s an unpopular opinion on mumsnet. I would bloody hate to have to share a bedroom. I’ll await my public execution.

Original poster
Hatherden123 · 03/11/2019 13:40

No flaming from me AwkwardFucker - I asked for views and all of your opinions have given me much needed strength - thank you

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