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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend is dating my ex

21 replies

gloriousglitter · 02/11/2019 22:44

AIBU to be annoyed by this?
A friend I've known for many years and my ex, also the father of my daughter have been dating eachother for a while now. Understandably it's been around 10 years since we broke up, I've long moved on, I just feel betrayed by my friend. She didn't even bother to tell me instead I found this out from him, it would be different if he wasn't the father to my daughter, it's just we still regularly see and talk to one another, he's very much still in my life. Especially as I knew her back when we were together too, she knows what our relationship was like and how it ended, it's odd that she'd choose to date him, I know people change but there's plenty of other men out there

OP posts:

Popcornfan2 · 02/11/2019 22:46

Not ideal and she should have told you for me.

buckeejit · 02/11/2019 22:51

Oks she a really good friend? How often to you see each other?

TheTrollFairy · 02/11/2019 22:53

How good of a friend is she? Is she someone you meet up with regularly or just someone you say hi to in passing?
First type of friend I would be pissed off at. Second type of friend is more of an acquaintance

DariaMorgendorffer · 02/11/2019 22:53

Ugh, yanbu. You are totally reasonable to feel weird. Your friendship may never recover but you will get over the shock in time. They are two single people, it's a free world etc etc. and you'll have to grit your teeth through it. I feel for you!

Jupiters · 02/11/2019 22:54

She doesn't sound like a good friend. I'd distance myself from her.

Original poster

gloriousglitter · 02/11/2019 22:56

We meet up every couple months but regularly text. I would say we were closer when we were younger but still make the effort to stay in contact and up to date with eachother we're just busier nowadays. I would consider a good friend

OP posts:

Courtney555 · 02/11/2019 22:56

I know it's ten years on, but if my friend now shagged my DS father and furthermore hid that from me? I'd not be able to move past that. And she knows very well it's not ok, or she wouldn't have hidden it from you.

There's literally every other person on the planet to pick from. And there's the whole "can't help who you fall for" but imho, a genuine friend wouldn't have put herself in the proximity of him and enable that to happen. I couldn't remain friends after that. I'd feel betrayed. It's not an ex. That I could live with although I'd think a bit poor taste. It's your DC father which is a totally different kettle of fish. As in potentially someone she's known for a decade as mummy's friend, for all you know could suddenly become stepmum. Thats unlikely to end well.

Andysbestadventure · 02/11/2019 22:59

I'd be happy my child might have another decent human being in her life, rather than some crank girlfriend instead. You don't get to dictate who he dates or who she dates, regardless of friendships, sorry.

Courtney555 · 02/11/2019 23:00

I would also say ( sorry OP) that she doesn't view you as a good friend even if that's how you viewed her. Because the thought of sleeping with any of my friends ex's makes my skin crawl, let alone the father to their child.

Popc0rn · 02/11/2019 23:01

She definitely should have talked to you about it first. Has she not discussed it with you at all?? What a weird elephant in the room!

Cloverbeauty · 02/11/2019 23:02

@Andysbestadventure

Obviously she can't stop them, but a true friend wouldn't shag someone their friend was with at all, nevermind the father of their child. Someone who does this only thinks of themselves and of no one else. Guess op is kind of lucky to know that now, can get better friends.

BumbleBeee69 · 02/11/2019 23:12

Of all the men on the planet, she chooses this one.. yeah right.... nasty situ OP, I agree with everyone on here.. distance yourself pronto.

Original poster

gloriousglitter · 03/11/2019 10:57

She hadn't mentioned it at all and when I asked her about it she said she knew I wouldn't be happy about it

OP posts:

buckeejit · 03/11/2019 10:59

If she knew you wouldn't be happy, even more reason to talk to you about it. Yanbu

pictish · 03/11/2019 11:00

Well fate will throw people like this together. They have shared history, mutual friends, common interests. It’s really not as shocking a pairing as you’d initially think. There’s actually a lot there that will draw people together.

slipperywhensparticus · 03/11/2019 11:02

Well I just wouldn't bother with her

pictish · 03/11/2019 11:03

I don’t think they are obliged to ignore their mutual attraction in honour of a relationship from a decade ago. That’s long enough for people to move on and evolve...yabu to expect them both to put you first.

pictish · 03/11/2019 11:04

Not saying I’d be over the moon myself...but all things being equal, I’d be resolved to process and accept it.

HiJenny35 · 03/11/2019 11:05

It's been 10 years, she didn't tell you because it was his place to, he has the child with you. None of your business.

from123toabc · 03/11/2019 13:27

I'm going to go against the masses here and say maybe it's a good thing. If this relationship works out, your child's step parent could be someone you know and love.
So many children end up stuck between mum and dad when new partners come in and parents don't get along with them.

It has been 10 years, you don't own people, both your friend and your ex are free to do as the please and deserve to be happy.

funinthesun19 · 03/11/2019 13:47

To be honest I think the best person out of the two told you. He’s the one who has a child with you so it’s his responsibility to tell you these things.
What would your reaction have been if she’d have told you and not him? You’d probably have been annoyed at the father of your child for not telling you.

Everything else you’ve said - I do think it’s a little bit icky to date a friend’s ex but that’s just me. But she may turn out to be a lovely stepparent towards your child. But then again that might just be too weird.

There’s nothing you can do really and nobody has cheated on you. I don’t really have any advice other than to keep things civil.

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