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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so irritated about what DH feeds the DC

27 replies

Musicalstatues · 02/11/2019 18:34

Whenever he is responsible for giving them a meal (usually only at the weekend) he without fail never gives them any fruit or veg. Today for example I’ve been unwell and he has looked after them for the day. Obviously I am very grateful for this but once again not a single portion of fruit or veg has passed their lips. They had cereal for breakfast, random snacks from a shop for lunch and went out to a buffet for tea. Dc are 8 and 5. Dc8 hates vegetables and has to be made to eat fruit and veg but dc5 actually likes most fruit and veg and will happily eat most things!!

It’s the same story anytime he’s in charge of a meal. Every time I mention it he apologies and promises to give them something healthier next time.... but he doesn’t. I’m pretty sure he just thinks I should be grateful he’s been looking after them and not complain about what they’ve been fed, whereas I feel that as parents a healthy diet is the responsibility of both of us. Plus he’s happy to feed them treats and pudding all day which ends up with me feeling I can never treat them as he’s fed then so much crap!!

Aibu?? Should I just be grateful he’s looked after them?? He usually is responsible for a couple of meals at the weekend so it ends up being pretty regular!

OP posts:

GeneHuntLover · 02/11/2019 18:36

Looked after them? He's parented them, that's his job. The rest I can't get worked up about

allthepeoplethatcomearound · 02/11/2019 18:37

I would be annoyed that he feeds them crap so often, but you shouldn’t be ‘grateful’ he looks after them - that is his job as a parent and should share the responsibility

Octopus37 · 02/11/2019 18:37

TBH if they eat healthily most of the time, I really wouldn't worry. I would just be glad that he was around to take the reigns today. Hope you are feeling better soon.

Winterdaysarehere · 02/11/2019 18:40

Maybe explain he doesn't have to be Disney Dad to keep them happy.

Original poster

Musicalstatues · 02/11/2019 18:40

octopus37 they do eat healthily most of the time, I’m a sahm so do all the cooking. But why should it only be my responsibility to make sure they’re eating healthily? Dc8 especially virtually gloats over the fact that once again he’s not been made to eat any fruit or veg

OP posts:

PurplePuffinPicker · 02/11/2019 18:42

I get where you're coming from, because they only eat healthily the rest of the time because your force them. And then it's mean mummy who makes them eat horrible food and fun daddy who lets them eat nice food.

He should be being responsible too, partly just because that's part of being a parent and partly so you get the opportunity to treat them occasionally too.

But yes I agree with pp, do not be grateful he looks after them - is he grateful when you look after them? Or is that just assumed? He's meant to look after them, he's their father.

Original poster

Musicalstatues · 02/11/2019 18:42

winterdaysarehere I think it’s laziness on his part more than anything, especially when it comes to dc8 - he just can’t be bothered with the battle. Plus he himself hardly eats any fruit or veg!

OP posts:

PurplePuffinPicker · 02/11/2019 18:44

Also, if its leading your 8yo to gloat about not having to eat fruit and veg, he's basically undermining you and telling the kids basic rules like eating healthily are things to strive to flaunt at any opportunity and that he'll help them go against you.

Dutchesss · 02/11/2019 18:44

YANBU
I have the same issue and it drives me crazy. It takes a couple of minutes to add a salad to a meal or prep some fruit.

Original poster

Musicalstatues · 02/11/2019 18:44

Don’t worry too much about me saying I’m grateful, that was just a turn of phrase. I’m not at deaths door (more cough and cold type illness) and could have managed to get up and do stuff with them if I’d had to but he was good enough to tell me to just rest up so for that I’m grateful.

OP posts:

Original poster

Musicalstatues · 02/11/2019 18:46

dutchess I know right!! It’s not like I’m expecting fancy side dishes, 5m to boil some peas...... one time he served rice on the side of stuff and chips instead of doing any veg - I mean what??? Rice 25m vs peas 5m....

OP posts:

LisaSimpsonsbff · 02/11/2019 18:47

This would also annoy me - I saw someone explain the issue really well on a recent MN thread by referring to it as cards for an easy life. You get a certain number of cards - feeding them a junk food tea, skipping their bath because you started bathtime late, letting them watch tv for too long. All of these are fine occasionally but you can't do them all the time, so you only have a certain number of cards. If one of you uses all the cards then it means the other parent never can - and this is particularly unreasonable if it's the parent who spends less time with them that spends them all.

HavelockVetinari · 02/11/2019 18:49

YANBU at all - he isn't forgetting, it's laziness. It's a hassle to make your eldest eat veg so he leaves it to 'mean mummy' and is happy to be 'nice, laid-back daddy'.

That's not on, it's his equal responsibility to feed them healthily, it's not acceptable to leave it all to you, especially as you have to be extra-strict given his shite attitude to parenting.

mrssoap · 02/11/2019 18:51

He isn't looking after them they are his kids!!! But my eating fruit or veg for one or 2 days isn't gonna hurt them, neither is eating crap occasionally!

Original poster

Musicalstatues · 02/11/2019 18:53

mrssoap I agree it’s not going to kill them but it’s EVERYTIME he feeds them, and why should I be the only parent responsible for ensuring they have a half decent diet? I honestly have no problem with treats, and we eat out quite a lot anyway, but it should be as part of a balanced diet and I’m the only trying to do any balancing!

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/11/2019 18:58

But my eating fruit or veg for one or 2 days isn't gonna hurt them, neither is eating crap occasionally!

In my world every single meal has a fruit or vegetable with it. Every one. It can be a mandarin or a few cherry tomatoes but it's always there. Because that needs to be the 'normal' way people eat. A plate of beige carby fat isn't food. It's crap.

bonbonours · 02/11/2019 19:04

I agree with MrsTerryPratchett, in our family very nearly every meal (bar the very occasional McDonald's) involves at least a little bit of fruit or vegetables. Breakfast always a bit of fruit or at the very least some juice.

My dh is fairly bad at eating fruit and veg himself and also at giving the kids it but he does try, especially if he's doing them a main meal, he'll do baked beans or peas which is better than nothing.

HavelockVetinari · 02/11/2019 19:06

@MrsTerryPratchett is right - all meals need fruit or veg. DS is only 2 and in a very picky phase, we both still put stuff on his plate, and make sure he eats some fruit/veg that he likes with each meal even if he refuses the broccoli/whatever.

GookledyGobb · 02/11/2019 19:58

So I agree with the once in the while won’t harm them BUT this means all the healthy eating responsibility falls to you. Aka you have to make sure they eat healthily the rest of the time so he doesn’t have to put the effort in when it’s his turn. And that’s not ok. It’s the motherload

TemporaryPermanent · 02/11/2019 19:58

I agree totally that setting the visual standard that meals always contain veg is important. Fruit I'm less bothered about as long as the veg are in place.

But if he doesn't eat fruit and veg he clearly doesn't think it matters or is even actively against it, and imo is just telling you what you want to hear. Was he made to eat veg as a child, or in fact was he allowed to develop a non veg diet?

I would let go of it now as you aren't feeling great, but perhaps this discussion needs to be a bit more open. Him admitting that he hates veg and doesn't care about his kids eating them; what then?

blubelle7 · 02/11/2019 20:03

I grew up with both my parents insisting a meal without fruit or veg is incomplete and not a meal. To this day I struggle not to have fruit and veg and the only vegetable I cant stand is carrots because of the boiled variety in boarding school putting me off them.

I am happy when I see DC go for fruit and veg first on their plate. Even my brother who used to be a nightmare for my parents eats them now. It's a good habit to set and both parents are responsible for making sure children eat well. Boiling peas or making or even buying a salad to go with a takeaway is simple. We eat out/order in a bit but still add veg/salad to the meal. Not that hard he needs to step up

Quitedrab · 02/11/2019 20:10

No, it's really annoying. Giving unhealthy food is EASY and often fun, and if it's okay for a couple of unhealthy meals a week, it should be YOU who gets to do them. If he's only doing one day a week, it should be a healthy day. He needs to support the healthy message! No wonder your son isn't eating veggies. Probably thinks it isn't manly.

MinnieMountain · 02/11/2019 20:23

It's not hard. Most of the veg DS has is raw as he likes crunchy things. It takes 2 minutes to add to a meal.

Or your DH could batch cook some hidden veg pasta sauce to make it even easier for himself.

Butterymuffin · 02/11/2019 20:31

Can't see this guy making hidden veg pasta sauce, but he could do either frozen peas or chop carrots for carrot sticks as easy options. I would be telling him the kids must have one or the other of those with every meal.

MerryDeath · 02/11/2019 20:35

yes mine is the same. he might manage beans on toast if it's not an omelette (cheese, just cheese) but actually needs to be reminded to feed him otherwise i may well come in at nap time and ask what he's had and get a blank look. and you can forget him clearing up (if i'm ever out it's cos i'm at work btw).

my DP can go and swing today in general tbh. he's not useless but he's lazy and self centred and impulsive too often.

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