To think this is turning into a drink problem?

[Halloweenmaz]

I'm been beginning to think my dad's drinking is turning into a drink problem. For years since i was little he was always the "party parent". First at the party, last at the party. Often trying to gently get him to leave. We would not dare start an argument with him in this state. You didn't know if he was going to explode.

Numerous times over my childhood he has hurt my mum, i called a neighbour over once as i was young and didnt know what to do. Over the years nothing much has changed. I've got him arrested for pushing my mum and threatening me. Hes been arrested while out in our town for threatening bar staff. This was not that long ago and i find it so embarrassing.

So thats the background. He drinks every wednesday for a few, thursday night. Drinks 6pm-12pm. Comes home drink so my mum says. He also then drinks weekends, weather it be a social event or going into town with friends without my mum. He will come home late 3am, go out around 7pm ish. Drinks alot!! Beers/ spirits. I would say hes a binge drinking but recently he just looks so tired and not all there.
Today i saw him and he had a beer/shandy at 11am, we had a meal and he was so quiet, said he was really tired. Then in the space of 30 mins chewed 2 nicorette chewing gums.

Hes in his 50s and im so scared something will happen to him. His body surely cant keep coping with this amount of alcohol.
AIBU to think he has a drink problem now?

I think he's had a drink problem for a very long time.

Sounds like he has been a functioning alcoholic for years. He needs to reach rock bottom, only then will he be able to seek help.

Sounds like he’s been a violent person with a drink problem for a long time. You can’t change this. He needs to want to change and it doesn’t sound like he will. Al Anon could help you. But not him. Only he can do that.

What? He's a violent abuser who has had alcohol problems throughout.

You're not unreasonable to think he has a drink problem but YABU to not put your mum and you first.

I couldn't give a toss about someone like this: he's a violent abusive bully and he's not worth the worry or your time spent worrying about his welfare.

It’s well beyond the stage where it’s starting to be a problem. It sounds like he’s been a functioning alcoholic for years and he’s now losing the ability to function.

In your position, I’d call al-anon and be prepared for some shocks.

Just to clarify my mum has also been violent to him too. So i don't that sorry for her. I know my parents are both toxic and both enablers to each other. But i just wanted to ask if he had a drink problem as he doesnt drink everyday. When i was younger didn't look like he wanted a drink every day, no visible withdrawals. But today looking at him, something was not right. He will be drinking about tonight at a firework social.
Sometimes, once in a blue moon he will go out and say i didn't drink much like its some kind of achievement. In my early 20s i was a big binge drinker and used to blackout and i think this behaviour was learnt. Now i very rarely touch a drink, i hate alcohol and don't like the feeling of being drunk anymore.

Might sound harsh when i say i dont feel sorry for her. But i mean she's thrown stuff at him, hit him hard, mind games. No excuse for him hurting her, but i'm saying they are both as bad as each other.

An alcoholic does not need to drink every day in order not be an alcoholic. Make yourself safe and go NC/LC; speaking from experience you cannot change them.

I guess i've been in denial, i've always known his alcohol has been an issue but never thought of the term alcoholic. I didnt think he was that bad, maybe i was being naive and i've grown up with it.

I was thinking of going to an al-anon a few days ago but chickened out.

Likely it's alcohol dementia. Starts about this age.

I think you just need to accept the fact that this situation is not going to improve. It is only ever going to get worse. If both of your parents are caught up in it, then you’re the one who is going to bear a large part of the emotional trauma and you need support to do that. Just contact them. Nothing will happen and nobody will know. It’ll just be a step closer to making things easier for you.

I think it might be worth you going to Al Anon. An alcoholic doesn’t need to drink everyday. They don’t need to start on spirits for breakfast.
A problem drinker is one whose drinking causes problems in their life. Who is making unhealthy choices.

@supersimkim2 What's alcohol dementia?

I think I was worried being at al-anon and people thinking why is she here, it's not that bad.

Violence and heavy drinking IS bad.
The thing is about growing up with that is that it buggers up your concept of normal. Trust me I know!

He sounds like an alcoholic.

I used to think my binge drinking was fine because my dad did it. It really wasn't. So glad I hate alcohol now. I don't really know what's normal tbh with regards to drinking so I guess that's why I asked on here

People on here could be kinder in their replies, this is still her dad regardless.

Yes it does sound like alcoholism and like they both need help but they need to see it for themselves. I’m sorry you’re going through this and that you’ve had this upbringing. Mine was similar, my dad passed away at 47 from cancer and despite the alcoholism and his faults I never wanted to hear other people criticise him. It didn’t help.

Hi OP, yes it definitely sounds like alcoholism to me. You would be welcomed at Al Anon - you certainly don't have to prove that you have a right to be there. It's similar to AA, where you get alcoholics who were binge drinkers on certain nights of the week, to those who were 24/7 drinkers. It's the way you drink rather than the frequency or number of units, if that makes sense. Do try to get to a meeting as you'll be with people who understand. But PPs are correct in that unless your father wants to change, there's nothing you can do to control his behaviour and must seek to protect yourself as best you can. Good luck. Many alcoholics can and do turn their lives around.

My dad was an alcoholic all through my childhood and it took me a long time to realise because I was in denial and didn’t know any different. Like your dad OP he didn’t drink every day. Used to just be every weekend and then it started shifting to Friday nights too. Then Thursday nights. It was really hard because he wasn’t ever really present because he was either hungover or drinking. I would dread the weekends when I was a kid. I have no idea if he still drinks the same way now but I suspect he does to some extent anyway. He ended up making himself pretty ill (I won’t go into details) but you’re right to be concerned. Just because he doesn’t drink every day doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a problem. I also find it really hard to know what’s normal with alcohol and I’m teetotal because it brings back too many bad experiences/memories to drink. I don’t have much advice but I think that someone (maybe not you) needs to have a conversation with him. It’s really tough I know but I would hate for your dad to make himself unwell like mine has. I haven’t been able to approach him about it and now just avoid social occasions with him that would involve drinking which is sad but I can’t deal with it.

Thanks everyone it's been helpful. I'll go to the next al-anon. I can't go until another 2 weeks however due to my son going to his dad's. But I'll go I think it might be worth it.
I also know I can't force my dad to change, only if he wants to he will. My mum def won't tell him as she's so far in denial. And I doubt anyone else will have a word with him either.
A few times around this time of each me and mum have spoke to him and told him to calm it down as his drinking was 4 days a week or so. But his excuse was it's Christmas alot of social events. I'm dreading this Christmas, dreading what might happen to his health.

I was out tonight at fireworks and smelt alcohol and I've got to say it brought bad memories. 1st time that's happened.