3 year old boy different parenting styles and sudden crying mards...

[Toooldfornonsense]

So DS who is 3 has been poorly recently. Sorted him out, pretty much better. No problems. However, said child has started with ridiculous crying fits - particularly in the morning where he can go on for hours. Nothing wrong with him, all checked out. Asked whether he needs feeding, is sad, needs the toilet etc. DH insists on flapping around DS whereas I will ask DS and when he says he ‘doesn’t know’ what’s wrong with him will put him in his own bed and leave him until he calms down. DH will literally sit with him for ages. What is a normal response? I can’t have him doing this every time he’s bothered by something. He’s at full time nursery now and I feel like it’s behaviour he’s seen from there. I feel like my DH’s reaction isn’t helping the situation as he’s validating the reaction which is an over reaction. Am I being too hard or is my DH right?

It would really worry me if DS were that upset and I would not leave him to cry it out. Clearly there's something bothering him because children don't cry for no reason. You've asked him about basics, but he's 3 not 3 months, so there could be all sorts of other issues. He might be unhappy at nursery because of staff or kids, or be lonely, or feels he isn't getting enough time from you and his dad, or have heard something and got scared of things happening to mummy or daddy, or be upset he isn't having a sibling / worried he is getting a sibling, or he might be nervous because other kids have talked about big school, something halloween-y might have scared him etc etc etc. Maybe try getting him to draw pictures of things he likes, things he doesn't like, things he finds funny, things he finds scary... use it to gently start a conversation with him to find what's really bothering him.

My guess on what the issue is - he's been poorly so was he at home with one of you for a while, and then he's been put straight into 55 hours or whatever at nursery where he basically only sees you both 2/7 days of the week, the two people he loves most in the world. He "has to" go to nursery so he doesn't want to complain because there's no choice so nobody can fix his problem. Do you think that might be what's upset him?

It does seem a little away from usual tantrumming behaviour from what you’ve described and perhaps his “I don’t know” answer is in relation to him not being able to effectively communicate what is wrong (if that makes sense?) like it could be a bout of separation anxiety but a 3 year old wouldn’t understand what that means or even know to communicate it as “I don’t like being away from Mummy and Daddy” IFYSWIM?

I think attempting to ask him at a time where he is calm and affable (rather than in the moment) might help?

General experience for me is a tantrum is usually easy to figure out because they’re likely to express or have expressed a want or desire for something and not get that something (not just talking about material things here) but if it’s sudden, consistent and enough to overwhelm him in such a way I’d be less inclined to think it’s just a mood thing.

Not saying it’s anything malicious or scary, but trying to find a way to get him to express his feelings as PP above mentioned might be a good way forward?

He sounds like a normal toddler. My dd has started similar behaviour, also after being ill. Being a complete darama queen i overreacted and had her up the doctors thinking she was in pain or there was something she couldn't articulate going on. Needless to say the gp thought i was insane.

Yes you’re being too hard. What does “flapping about” entail? Can you describe his crying? Is it whimpering for 30 mins or snotty, dribbling full on wailing for 2 hours?

If it’s the latter then shutting him in his room is not going to get to the bottom of things or help him to feel better (it hasn’t done or else you wouldn’t still be having the same problem). If he needs an hour to calm down then you can’t do anything in that time anyway. Sitting with him and letting him know he’s safe and can talk to you will probably take less time and will certainly be less dramatic. Try playing a game rather than asking him direct questions. It’s much easier to out of when they’re doing something else.

You can’t dictate how he reacts to situations as he’s a person in his own right and needs to be taught how to deal with his emotions. If your reaction to his upset is to give him a string of questions in an agitated tone then to ignore him you’re teaching him that negative emotions are bad so don’t show them. Your also denying the opportunity to establish a pattern of good emotional communication with him which you’ll need in years to come. You’ll want him to be able to come to you with anything which he may not do if he thinks he’s going to be sighed at and treated like a nuisance.

At 3, he’s not doing it because he’s manipulating you or being spiteful. He’s doing it because he’s upset about something and both of you need to find out what that is. He’s not going to give you the answer straight away (ask pretty much any child what’s wrong and they’ll say “Nothing...”) so you’ll need to get creative in finding out. You and DH need to chat about it and come up with a plan that you both stick to. Different approaches may well add confusion.

Your dh is right in spending time with him until he feels like communicating. (I have always done that for my DCs ) I have a GS same age as your DS and he can behave like you discribe and I will stay with him until he feels better. My DD don't mind as she likes me to bond with him and she has seen me do it with her siblings. She also says to me that I am wasting my time I can not think of a better way of wasting time.

You're being too hard. It's awful to expect very young children to regulate their emotions all the time when adults aren't even capable of it! Sounds like a nice approach by your DH.

Some middle ground might work. Stay with him for a while then withdraw and eek out the gaps over time?

Thank you for your responses. In looking at these I am being too hard - I think my upbringing expected you to suck it up and get on with it. He’s 3 and needs a better cohesive approach from my husband and I. Is there anything in particular that anyone has tried that works well? Maybe my initial post has made me look like a witch ☹️. I think my parenting ability is limited and I’d not great compared to my husbands. I don’t think particularly made for parenting and it shows here. Any help most accepted

Maybe try a parenting class, OP. It might give you confidence to deal with the various stages and also help you to see things through your son's eyes

We all learn and grow as parents, OP, every day! An absolutely huge (and hopefully not patronising) well done on being prepared to reflect on your approach. That is the most important thing in helping us all do better every day. Cuddles are good too!

I don't think it's limited at all to ask for other opinions and strategies, we all change what we do each day. Good luck, I hope you can work through it with him.

I read your first post and thought you sounded really heartless but your second post has made me think that isn’t the parent you want to be.

Children do go through various clingy phases and I think they do sometimes across as bouncing back from illness but because they don’t understand about pacing or unnecessarily doing too much, they can still be a little out of sorts for a while. Certainly your DH’s parenting style is more in line with mine and what I’d recommend.

Hmmm he's three, they do this although not usually with daily consistency.

My nearly 3yo who is my 4th dc does it. With my eldest I was very much like you, suck it up buttercup and get on with it, the middle ones are twins so they generally consoled each other. However with dd, I tend to just sit with her and wait it out, reasoning isn't an option her emotions have just got the better of her. So I sit wherever we are, she can cuddle or not and I wait, sooner or later she comes and snuffles on my shoulder with a sorry mummy and cuddles up. It's the whole being present and calm until they can process how they feel.

As a pp said we all grow and change as parents, nothing wrong with taking the time to consider of there's a better approach for you.

I think a lot depends on the child and how they manage their emotions. My 3 year old has always been good at self regulating. She generally only strops if she’s tired. We’ve found she needs space to calm down and then we talk.

Have you been able to find out anything from him about why he’s upset? If he’s been off for a while it may be because he misses being at home playing with his own toys (mine always take a few days to settle back into things after holidays/illness. One is adamant he hates nursery and never wants to go again. I’ve worked out he’d rather stay in bed then get up and watch tv in his jammies but he actually loves it when he’s there!). Any changes in staff/nursery routine? Any children he’s mentioned either because they’ve done something awful (like take a Dino he wanted to play with!) or anyone he seems particularly keen on who maybe hasn’t played with him? At 3, it could be absolutely anything, but just having the conversation helps him to give his feelings names. You said when asked if he was sad he said no. He might not have been sad, he might have been worried or scared or an as yet unnamed emotion. By saying “No, I’m not sad” he didn’t mean he wasn’t something. Hows his speech generally?

Have a look at The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Phillipa Perry and How to Talk So Kids Listen. The first one looks at why you parent as you do and what impact your up brining may have on how you parent (eg you were expected to be quiet all the time or else you’d get a b*llocking you may be super-sensitive to your child making a noise as you’re still expecting the bkllocking). It gives really helpful examples and offers solutions as to how to approach common parenting issues. The second one gives really good advice on how to communicate effectively with your child.

Maybe also try some gentle parenting resources as they can give you great ways to deal with every day problems without being constantly raging at your offspring! Parenting is blooming difficult and none of us do it perfectly. Never be afraid to admit to your child when you got something wrong and if you lose your temper tell them why you were cross and apologise. It teaches them that they are respected which will in turn increase their security and trust in you and shows them how emotions should be dealt with. Don’t shy away from negative emotions as positive ones are really easy to acknowledge and process. If you do all the emotional bit when they’re young then you give them the confidence and tools they need to deal with life. Good luck

The Philipa Perry book mentioned above is lovely for understanding and managing young children’s very strong and difficult to understand emotions. It’s available on Audible too, if easier to listen.

Was your child hospitalised? Home lots when ill? Or do you mean a short normal illness? Just wondering if it was serious and there was lots going on, how they’re coping with the new ‘normal’ routine.

Personally I never leave my children to cry it out ... whatever I think the issue is I will always react like your DH. I physically couldn’t leave them when they’re distressed though, I find it too upsetting. I don’t think being left alone to cry is nice even as an adult and so I would never do it to a small child.

(Should add, I have no idea if this is right or wrong! It’s just my natural response to a crying child. My own weakness as much as a parenting decision! I’m super sensitive and could cry when I see other people cry though so I might not be the best person to judge!)

I would go for something in the middle. Big cuddle, then say it's alright now and then basically ignore. My nephew was like this at 4 and my sister spent months sitting with him etc
Eventualy spoke to a child psychologist who said try and bribe him out of it with something he loves. If he stops it's more likely to be habitual. One bag of chocolate drops later they realised he could stop. So did a star chart and within a week he stopped wailing.
So yes, you do need to be loving and warm, but some times if a child gets attention for a certain behaviour they will carry it on. So ignoring it is no bad thing.

a good website for gentle parenting is aha parenting.

I try to avoid letting my 3 year old to cry it out. Sometimes I’ll ask whats wrong and generally get a don’t know. But I’ve learnt the best thing is to give a hug and things calm down and then you can ask what’s wrong and get something more rational.

It sounds like he's unsettled about something and unfortunately kids that age don't have the ability to regulate their emotions very well. It's tough, because it can be draining, but I do wonder if leaving him to cry might be possibly creating a bit of a vicious circle, especially if there's already a touch of seperation anxiety at play.

While bad behaviour definitely shouldn't be rewarded, if he's genuinely upset then I'd be going for, lots of snuggles and kisses, lots of reassurance and calm consistency (no raised voices etc).

I know it's stressful, especially when you've got things that need to get done but sometimes the best way to nip a meltdown in the bud is just to abandon all hope of emptying the dishwasher, sit down on the floor next to your kid, take their emotions seriously and hold them and talk to them for as long as it takes for them to feel secure again.

Also OP, you said you think your parenting ability is limited and I think you're being really too hard on yourself. Your gut told you that something wasn't working and you came somewhere for advice and that's what makes a good mum. It's not about instantly having all the answers, it's about caring enough to seek them out.

I think the best approach is somewhere between your DH's and your response.
It's a pretty big pay off for your son when it is your DH responding and it isn't something I would do.
I'd also not just have a suck it up attitude. At first.
A cuddle, some kind words and opportunity to express himself and then I'd tend to ignore. Any words spoken would be kindly but I wouldn't continue to indulge.

Don't even ask him what's wrong when he's that upset. Instead empathise with his feelings and name them "gosh, I can see you're really upset about something " or "you're feeling sad aren't you?"

Then offer your comfort through a hug and let him come to you when he can. Just sit next to him while he tantrums and wait.

Hopefully then he will calm quicker & you have a better chance of finding out what's wrong.

3 years old is soo turbulent with loads of big feelings flying around.

I'd really recommend the book How to Talk so Little Kids Listen. It's really good for difficult (emotional ) situations like this.