To not clean and tidy teenage daughter bedroom?

[VivienScott]

Her bedroom is a pit. I’ve cleaned and tidied it regularly in the past, but she just makes it so filthy within days. Littering with bits of paper, clean laundry strewn over the floor with the dirty (despite having perfectly good places to put both), broken make up etc. It’s a pit and I hate it but we’re at a stand off, she knows I won’t let it stay that way as it’s vile so won’t tidy it. I work long hours and barely have time to keep on top of the house as it is. AIBU to just shut the door on it , stop doing her washing etc and leave it to fester until she either sees sense or moves out and goes to uni (which is years away).

I don't tidy my daughter's bedroom for her, but I do make her do it. I've just threatened that she won't be allowed to go to a party in a few weeks if she doesn't sort it out. Make her do and and give her consequences if she doesn't.

I hear you. I have 2 teen girls and the youngest keeps her room clean and tidy but the eldest I have to be on her back every day to bring out any dishes, put her washing away, dirty clothes in the hamper, hang up her towel after her shower, rubbish in the bin and on and on.
I do get in there a couple of times a week and have a quick tidy up. She's flat out with Uni etc, but I use bargaining power to get her to do it the rest of the day. But everyday I am on her back. Sigh.

I would put everything other than school books, uniform and the underwear she needs for school in bin bags and either be really harsh and throw it away or else put it in the garage and leave it until she keeps her room clean and tidy, does her own laundry and ironing.

No excuse. My DS has cleaned, polished and hoovered his own room from being about 9. He's now 14.

He knows that if he leaves and mess or pots or clothes on the floor, I remove his phone until it's done.

She's like this because she knows there are no consequences and you will clean it for her.

I feel your pain. I have three bedrooms being kept in exactly the same manner. At my wits end with to be honest. I feel I am nagging constantly for them to clean up but it usually gets to a point when I can stand it no longer and brave the room and sort it out. I also work and have zero time. It all seems to fall on deaf ears

Consequences eg no phone til it’s tidied to a good standard. If she takes food in there, that would be an immediate ban.

Not unreasonable at all to shut the door on it. If you can't bear the thought of the mess, give her fair warning and then every day nip in and take away an item that isn't rubbish eg clothing, make up, photo frame etc and put them in a bin bag in the boot if your car. She gets them back when she's sorted her room out. Or the bin bag gets thrown away if it fills up before then.
Also, if you've always done this for her, she probably needs some tips on what to do. Mine used to get overwhelmed and didn't know where to start so I used to tell them to just pick up five items and focus on dealing with them eg, a sweet wrapper, a sock, a pair of trousers, a book and a mug. Put the wrapper in the bin, the sock on the laundry etc. I refused to do it for them. I found I had to repeat the "pick up 5" instructions at intervals, but it gave them a technique for getting on top of it.

DD15 cleans and tidys her room every Saturday - usually it's a bit half hearted but today she's done a grand job and now I know why, she wants to go out tonight!
There must be a consequence for her not doing it. It's HER room and you work long hours. I make her do her own ironing too. At her age I worked after school and all day Saturday in a cafe as well as chores at home - they don't know they're born!

I shut the door on my DD’s room that way I couldn’t see it, also if dirty clothes not put in laundry basket it didn’t get washed, she now has her own home and keeps it clean and tidy.

I can only tell you what works with me and my dd. I'll say something like "Can you bring down all the recycling by 6pm please, bin day tomorrow." If she comes down to dinner without it, she gets sent back to get it.
I've made sure she does have enough storage drawers and after she claimed she wasn't putting clothes away because she had no more hangers/wardrobe space, I bought one of those cloth covered, d.i.y. £10 wardrobes. So no excuses there anymore.
I accidently found out that a few deep sniffs and "Phew, it's a bit smelly in here." had her cleaning without being told to!
I would suggest start small. One specific thing eg 'Bring plates down by Sunday lunchtime.'
Or take all the light bulbs for ransom

Shut the door and pretend the room doesn't exist.

I found that was the easiest way to avoid countless rows and tantrums from my messy teen daughter. What amazed me was that she could walk out of that room looking a million dollars!

She is now in her forties and still untidy, although the festering food and mouldy green cups of tea are no longer left around.

I do my sons. But he has a medical problem with his leg and is pain all the time. But. Before this happened I made him clean round the edge and I would go in every once in a while and deep clean.
Teenagers don’t care and I didn’t when I was his age. Before the pain I would tell him he wasn’t allowed on the computer till he had cleaned his room. That always worked

Well what are the consequences for her not tidying it?

Shut the door and get her to do her own laundry. Not worth the battle.

I don't clean my teenage DC's rooms. We have a "no food in bedrooms" rule; clothes only get washed if placed in the laundry basket, and they are have to bring their bin down for emptying the night before bins are collected. And I insist they hoover/dust at least once a fortnight (which is when we do the family house clean). Stuff all over the floor (DD) or randomnly piled up in ever increasing piles (DS) is up to them to live with.

Silly question but does she know how to tidy it or does she feel a bit overwhelmed?
My dcs tidy their own room really well as I’ve shown them in steps like clear up all the clothes first, dirty stuff in laundry bin, hang up hoodies and jumpers that can be worn again.
Books back on the bookshelves.
Rubbish in the bin or black bag.
Clear under the bed.
Everything else back where it belongs.
Clean the windows, dust and hoover.
Every few months we have a clearout for charity.
They’re expected to keep their room tidy otherwise no gaming on the weekends.

I make my teenage dd clean and tidy her room and change her sheets once a week. She is 16 and has been doing it since she was about 13/14. I think it’s the least they can do to be honest. It’s not doing them any favours to not do anything round the house. I may be biased though because dd and I never argue, I’ve never had to get cross with her or threaten anything, she just knows I expect her to do it and does it. I’m not saying that to be smug I’m just saying if I had a teen who was more shouty perhaps I’d close the door too!

Just refuse to do it. I didn't do my DS's room but he wasn't allowed food in the room and he did stick to that rule. He left for uni this term & I had a blitz. Pick your battles but stick to it, ie: no washing unless it's put in the laundry basket etc.

Leave it. I was the same and kept doing it because my mum would always tidy up.
At some point she will get enough of the mess and clean up by herself.

Leave it unless anything is a bio-hazard... That's what I do now. I used to go up and hoover and tidy, now I don't. I've got enough to do tidying the rest of the house the lot of them mess up, I'm not doing their bedrooms too. I iron clothes, put them on hangers for her to take up, sometimes she's so lazy she'll hang them on the door handle rather than putting them in the closet. I am constantly finding sanitary wrappers everywhere, normally in a heap in the bathroom or her floor, along with dirty laundry. The kids have a laundry basket in their rooms so there's no excuse to leave the on the floor. My scatter brained 10 year old and my nightmare 4 year olds rooms are normally immaculate, but my highschool daughter cannot keep her room tidy for 2 minutes. We're moving, next month hopefully, so everything needs to be tidy to save extra work when it comes time to start packing etc :/ She'll tidy it in her boyfriend or friend are coming over though! Last time her friend was here she brought slime from home and left sweet papers all over dd1's room and she let her. Unfortunately she has no respect for anything :/

Generally I think they should do it. However I do have a tendency to 'tidy and chat' whenever I go in to talk to DD and end up folding as we chat and leave with a laundry and a few cups and glasses. I just can't help it. I accept that it will not always be done to my standards but happy to let that slide.

Small bedroom here: No food in the bedrooms at our house either.
Also once a week everything has to be picked up off the floor for a vacuum even if dumped on the bed and returned to the floor again.
And we have a shelf of doom for half dirty clothes which keeps them off the floor.

No food in the room ever. Bring the laundry down or it does not get washed, do your own ironing if you want it ironed. Now and again lay down the law, no internet until it is cleaned and hoovered.

How old is DD?

If she’s a teen then I’d go in and rescue cups, plates etc... but everything else is down to her. Shut the door and try to let it wash over you.

Explain if it’s in the wash basket, you’ll wash it. Ironing and putting away is down to her.
She’d like friends to stay over? Fine, if she’s not embarrassed re the state of her room.

Send an email to her form teacher and head of year. Explain you’re downing tools - so any missing/unkempt uniform or gym kit is down to her. Ditto books, folders, homework that ‘can’t be found’. You’ll be supportive of any sanctions they want to enforce.

There might be some raised eyebrows in the staff room but I assure you many will be (silently) cheering you on. They’ll start a book on who crumbles first & how long it took.

Just remember - if you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist ;-)

I used to shut the door on my kids bedrooms.

DD's was usually fine, DS's was a tip.

I was burgled - mostly electrical stuff and my bedroom ransacked. when the police looked in my son's room they said 'Christ, they've made a mess in here'
to which I had to reply
'Err no, they nicked the CD player but otherwise this is just as it is' (1990s).

They laughed...