Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Partner's best friend

47 replies

SpacemanDad · 02/11/2019 11:54

AIBU to be slightly miffed my partner's best friend is coming for Christmas dinner with her 2 adult age children?

My girlfriend and I have lived together for over 25 years. Her best friend from childhood lives in Malta but comes back to the UK 6 or 7 times a year to visit her mother and now adult age children and ourselves. The friend is very opinionated and with every visit she "offers suggestions" to us as to how our lives could be improved. These suggestions get louder and a little less subtle as the wine glasses get topped up, which I usually don't mind because she's my girlfriend's best mate, they don't see a great deal of each other, and I can slip away to the kitchen and read a book once they really start on the wine.

2 nights ago my girlfriend was messaging back and forth to her pal and pipes up to me "Poor D*e, everyone is either working or away for Christmas this year and she'll be on her own". Obviously, I wouldn't want to see anyone on their own at Christmas so just said "Why don't you invite her here for her Christmas dinner". Within 10 minutes this had changed from Poor D**e being on her own on Christmas day to her bringing her 2 adult age children with her and remember one of them's a vegan (I do all the cooking in our house)
I work on an oil platform in the North Sea, and over the years have spent roughly half my Christmases away from home and was particularly looking forward to this year as it's my 50th Birthday a couple of days before Christmas, I've spent the past 6 months of what's been an incredibly stressful working year thinking about the festive season and spending time with my own family doing our usual Christmas thing. The thought of having to host effectively a full other family with dietary requirements I'm not familiar with.

TL:DR - After spending 6 months of the year away from home working and having looked forward to spending a special time of year with the people I love AIBU to be miffed that I have to host and cater for an entire other family on Christmas day?

OP posts:
Sunshineonthesilverlining · 02/11/2019 12:01

YANBU, I'd be annoyed too. I'd also be booking a restraunt for Christmas dinner rather than slaving for hours in the kitchen.

simplekindoflife · 02/11/2019 12:07

YANBU!

Jollitwiglet · 02/11/2019 12:09

I would point out that if she was able to bring her adult children with her, then she clearly wouldn't have been spending Christmas alone, so she no longer needs to come as she clearly won't be alone

Lysianthus · 02/11/2019 12:30

You could suggest that they come for dinner on Christmas Eve (not staying over) that way your GF gets to see them but it won't ruin your family plans.

Witchinaditch · 02/11/2019 12:33

YANBU as you were led into it by thinking she would be alone! Get her to contribute somehow like bring starter or desert

Isadora2007 · 02/11/2019 12:36

You’re being a little bit unreasonable as it’s not the whole Christmas- it’s just dinner. But ask her to contribute now- share out the duties as you please but don’t be a mug.

If she is wanting to stay- then stay firm and say no. She has adult children to stay with.

AutumnRose1 · 02/11/2019 12:37

I’d withdraw the invite, it was given because of a misunderstanding

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/11/2019 12:42

Reply and say, oh - she won’t be alone? Then I’d rather it was just us.

BigFatLiar · 02/11/2019 12:47

It's christmas dinner and you were already doing it so let them know they're welcome to dinner but its a traditional dinner that you'll be doing. Perhaps they won't be so keen when they find you haven't got a specials board.

ILearnedItFromABook · 02/11/2019 13:02

Exactly as others have said she's not going to be alone, so she doesn't actually need the pity invite. But if she and her two adult kids do come for dinner, you need help (from your partner and from the friend) and I'd discuss it beforehand to limit the time they stay. That's perfectly reasonable. Otherwise, your partner is taking advantage of your good nature!

TigerJoy · 02/11/2019 13:10

Say that you thought she was going to be alone for Christmas - as this isn't the case you'd be happy to celebrate Christmas with her and her children on another day?

Dahlietta · 02/11/2019 13:13

I want to know if her name is Darlene.

cstaff · 02/11/2019 13:17

That was a cheeky move on their part. If there is no getting out of it the very least they can do is bring whatever vegan food they want as "you know nothing about it " and anyone who is invited to Xmas dinner always brings something - starters, desserts etc.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 02/11/2019 13:19

I guessed Dianne

Gruzinkerbell1 · 02/11/2019 13:20

Tell your wife her friend is a CF and can come for Xmas Eve or Boxing Day, not Xmas day. She’s clearly not on her own anymore so problem solved.

Smelborp · 02/11/2019 13:20

That changes the situation a lot - it’s not just doing a little extra, it’s cooking something entirely different. I would say I’m not cooking anything else although I’d prefer to remove the invite.

HollowTalk · 02/11/2019 13:21

If you're away so much then your partner has plenty of time to see her friend then.

If her friend has two adult children coming to her for Christmas dinner, she won't be on her own.

I'd take back the invitation - it's going to be no fun for you, is it?

TigerJoy · 02/11/2019 13:24

Yes OP please bear in mind that they have been CFs by changing the nature of the invitation...so it's reasonable for you to change what you're offering...

notlyndasnell · 02/11/2019 13:27

YANBU. I have a "Poor D***e" friend who used to invite herself, or rather manipulate me into inviting her, for Christmas, long stays, family holidays, etc. and it has always caused problems. If she has two adult dcs she won't be on her own at Christmas (and, quite frankly, it wouldn't kill her if she was!). You have every right to spend Christmas with your family.

MintyMabel · 02/11/2019 13:31

Withdraw the invite. Why would you martyr yourself over it?

ChateauMyself · 02/11/2019 13:32

I wouldn’t blame you if you offered your name on the ‘unsociable Christmas work rota’.

Christmas in the North Sea might be a blessing...

GettingABitDesperateNow · 02/11/2019 13:37

So what did your GF say when you said 'oh, I thought she was going to be on her own over xmas, why is she coming with her daughters?'. YANBU to not want to host 3 extras including a vegan. I think your GF could do the vegan food

Pilipilihoho · 02/11/2019 13:40

This friend isn't Canadian in origin, by any chance? (Or perhaps it's just common to talk about being "alone" for Christmas and actually meaning "with my two adult children"...)

Joking apart, YANBU at all. I'm not a fan of rescinding invites, but I would pointedly ask that as their is a vegan, you're assuming that they'll be fine with the vegetable dishes - or ask your partner to ask them to bring a vegan main (I am assuming that they haven't yet asked what they can bring...)

I would also be honest with your partner, and say that you originally extended the invite as she was "alone" and that you are somewhat irritated that this turns out not to be true, as you were looking forward to having a quiet family Christmas. No sense in letting it fester, and getting it out calmly now is better, I think, as it will also help quell any (very understandable) resentment you are feeling.

Chunkers · 02/11/2019 14:57

Be honest with your partner and ask her to cancel the invite. You should mean more to her than the pal and her adult kids. There are plenty of reasonable excuses that could be offered.

misspiggy19 · 02/11/2019 15:06

I would point out that if she was able to bring her adult children with her, then she clearly wouldn't have been spending Christmas alone, so she no longer needs to come as she clearly won't be alone

^This. I wonder if your partner deliberately deceived you