Anxious about raising a girl

[saturdayblues]

I’m pregnant with my first child and recently found out I’m having a girl. This has caused a lot of painful memories and anxiety to resurface in me and I’ve been struggling with my emotions since finding out.

I was a really shy child growing up with crippling social and general anxiety - to the extent where I found it very difficult to make friends and was very nervous and anxious in social situations (I still dread them). Because of this I was bullied throughout my school years and really struggled. I also had bad teeth, poor eyesight and a lazy eye which further destroyed my confidence, rightly or wrongly, especially around boys. I desperately wanted to fit in with my peers and I just didn’t.

Now I’ve found out I’m having a girl I’m so worried that she will be a “mini me” and will have to go through all the same issues I did when growing up. If she follows in DH’s footsteps she’ll be fine - he’s confident and sociable and had a straightforward, happy childhood with lots of friends.

I imagine it must be even harder being a girl like I was in this day and age, what with social media and all the pressures that must bring.

I just want to raise my daughter to be a strong, confident and happy girl/woman but don’t know how. As I say, if she takes after DH she’ll be fine but obviously that’s by no means a given. And how much of this is nature vs nurture?

Does anyone have any advice?

Have you posted about this already OP?

Oh god yeah although I genuinely didn't mind when pregnant what sex my baby was going to be, in retrospect I'm so glad I've had a boy! Raising girls feels complicated

My DS is a lot more like me in personality than my DD

Well I’ve raised a girl, to almost adulthood anyway! She’s much more like dh - for better or worse.
I won’t go into too much personal outing detail but there are definitely things you can do to Instill confidence even if she is a bit shy - a lot of young children are shy and there’s nothing wrong with that really. I was and still am to an extent in certain situations.
Social media is also part of life now, give her tools to value herself so she doesn’t seek it online as much. I think we all need to feel validated a bit, but SM does make it worse. Not all girls pout and pose half naked on SM, mine doesn’t. Just not interested, but she puts other stuff up there.

Firstly, congratulations

Girl, or boy, raising children is a leap into the unknown, and the worry we all have as parents can can raise a lot of painful memories about our own childhood. Just because your dc will be a girl doesn't mean they will have the same childhood as you, so please don't let it overshadow this special time.

I have siblings, some of whom sailed through school, some who didn't, and gender did not come into it. It's not always as simple as that.

Have you looked into having some counselling or getting support to work through the trauma you suffered as a child? You can overcome it and look forward to raising your daughter and all that it entails.

I have 3 girls. I get nothing but negative comments, some looks of horror and lots of sympathy about having girls. Surely they can’t be that bad?

Her being a girl won’t make anxiety any more likely.

How you raise her to be a strong, confident woman (or do your best to help that happen) is love her, make her feel really secure, support her, look for her strengths and help her build on those. It’s more simple than you think - be her champion, from day 1 tell her she can be or do anything. And show her you’re strong yourself (even when you don’t feel it) - you want to get rid of this narrative that if she’s like you (a girl) she’ll be rubbish, but if she’s like DH (a boy) she’ll be great. Probably a good time to start valuing yourself!

We have girls.
My wife always says "boys wreck your house, but girls wreck your head." I used to laugh until they got to their teens.😨

I was painfully shy as a child and was bullied. I have a DD aged 9 who is little miss confident, very sociable and sails through life. I have a DS who is 7 who is crippled by shyness and has selective mutism. My DS is much more like me than my DD is. Try to relax. Your DD might be nothing like you.

Thanks. It’s not so much about the sex - if she’s a girl with DH’s personality she’ll be fine, but if she takes after me I will worry. I just hope for her sake she doesn’t inherit my social anxiety - or if she does that I’m able to help her overcome it - because it really is crippling.

Does ensuring that a child experiences lots of social situations at a young age help at all?

I have a boy but I think worrying about them having friends or getting bullied is a natural thing. I always just look at it like he will have me and DH in his corner at all times. If I suspect bullying, I will deal with it the best I can. I will do my best to make sure he knows he can tell me anything and be open with me and DH. I will create friendships with the adults (if I like them) to hopefully keep long friendships with their children for my son. My son is at playgroup and I'm already setting that tone. My mum made a few friends when I was young and that meant I had people I knew and would be kind to me at school because if they weren't and vice versa, our mum's would have something to say! My mum wasn't 'popular' as such or a school gate mum but she had some close and some loose friendships with the mums in the area and I know exactly what she was doing, she was creating friendships for us at a young age and opening up that ability to talk to the other parents should anything go a miss. In order to do this she helped out at playgroup now and then, the same at nursery and volunteered now and then to help on school trips so guess what I'm doing! I'm following her model!

My wife always says "boys wreck your house, but girls wreck your head." I used to laugh until they got to their teens.

Is this honestly true? It surely can’t apply that straightforwardly to all girls/boys.

Thanks Jennifer - that’s good advice.

I’m fairly confident and capable and I had a shy boy who wasn’t very confident. I used to get frustrated by him because I thought he should be more outgoing but the more I read around it, the more I realised that it’s important to acknowledge and accept who your child is, validate them and to work with that gently.
There’s a lot at play but accepting your child and showing them love helps them to grow up secure and confidant.
Take her out a lot, expose her to lots of nature, teach her about the world and let her feel loved and secure.

Congratulations, I am mother to a 5yo DD and it’s wonderful.

I purposely didn’t find out whether I was having a girl or boy because I didn’t think having pre-conceived ideas about what my child might be like based on their sex would be helpful as I’d had a very rocky time with my mother growing up. I’d also observed my mum and my, much older, sister’s dysfunctional relationship and was scared of repeating that with a daughter.

However, once she arrived I realised that there are challenges to raising both girls and boys, and a lot of those challenges are similar. Boys are also affected by social media and pressure to look good these days, and the suicide rate amongst young men is terrifying, so having a boy isn’t necessarily a walk in the park either.

Your child will be her own person. Try not to catastrophise at this point, it will be years before social media becomes an issue for her and things will likely have changed massively in that time.

She will take her cues from both you and her father, having a daughter has made me stronger in ways I never dreamed possible and I’m sure you will find the same. I am honest with my daughter (in an age appropriate way) about most things and am proud to be raising a strong little girl who has opinions on everything, and who understands that her intelligence, kindness, wit and physical strength are more important than what she looks like in the mirror, although of course it’s nice to look nice too. I’m sure the teenage years will bring there own challenges, but hopefully she’ll have absorbed enough of the good stuff in childhood to make better decisions for herself.

My own childhood left me with massive self esteem issues and I have worked hard to try and overcome these issues. Of course I still have moments of self doubt, and moments when I worry that I am parenting like my mother, but that kind of comes with the territory.

No thats a generalisation and not true of everyone at all.

I think whats moat important is your dd seeing you and dh being confident in a wide range of social situations, then she is likely to copy as she will assume thats how its done. Do you still have bad anxiety and shyness? Id try working on it now if possible to help.
You dont have to be at a play centre or activity every day but regular contact with others is good to help and try and ensure she gets a range of friends rather than sticking to just one.

Having said all this, if she is shy it really isnt the end of the world at all and shes unlikely to be bullied for that, same with only have one close friend, it can make things harder if that friend is ill or moves on to someone else, but it isnt worth getting yourself so worked up about now. She will be fine if you show her how to do it

If you're on Facebook follow the page 'mighty girls', they have lots of book recommendations about raising strong, confident girls.

Saturday people always tell you that babies come with their own personalities and that is so true! But the fact is, as pp have said, you can just as easily get a shy boy as a shy girl.

If your DD has the same problems as you had, you will surely make sure she has excellent eye and dental care! If you had a boy with bad teeth and a squint, would that be somehow better? Of course not!

Once you have your baby, there will be loads of social things to take her to. You will make friends too, so this will be great for you both. Good luck!

I purposely didn’t find out whether I was having a girl or boy because I didn’t think having pre-conceived ideas about what my child might be like based on their sex would be helpful

I decided to find out the sex so I could deal with any emotions like I’m having now before the baby arrived, but perhaps it was a mistake as I am an over thinker.

Do you still have bad anxiety and shyness? Id try working on it now if possible to help.

Yes I do. I have tried counselling before but it wasn’t especially helpful - I found it very difficult to open up, as I’m not an especially articulate person. Perhaps I need to try a different counsellor?

Thank you Tortoise - I will have a look.

I have girls and was also a shy child (but not bullied thankfully). I now have mild social anxiety. My eldest is similar to me and it is hard not to project my insecurities/anxieties on to her. However, I remember she is her own person - not me - and her upbringing is different to mine. She has my full support and understanding (not something I had with my parents). Her younger sisters are completely different. I would continue with the counselling if I were you - try to get your head in a good place before she’s born - and help you through it all. After birth, there’s health visitor check-ups, nurse appointment (for immunisations) etc.. I found that part hard but you have to do it! My DH is also outgoing and socially confident so the temptation is to rely on him.

Hate all the negativity around having a girl- she will be mentally draining,a little madam etc.
These are such stereotypes and not true. I have a pre teen dd and she is nothing like this .She also hates social media and has her own unique identity.
She's confident and doesn't follow that rule that because she's a girl she has to look a certain way.
So please dont follow all the negative gender stereotypes as she will be her own person regardless her gender.

Hate all the negativity around having a girl

A lot of people say the teenage years are so much harder with a girl, but I remember my brother wasn’t exactly a walk in the park for my mum and dad when he was growing up! I was by far the “easier” child on paper in that I was quiet and well behaved.

I have both and I have bought them up the same, I don’t see why it’s any different in the the early years.

Girls go through things boys don’t but that’s not til they’re older.