To need a heartbreak recovery plan?

[HeartbrokenHattie]

I’m in love with a man who I can never be with. My heart is completely broken but I can’t tell anyone because it had to remain secret. It’s difficult to explain but no one else got hurt in the process. I have children.

Please can you give me some practical tips to get over this man? We are still friends.

I have some weight to lose so was going to focus on my figure. I have also booked catch ups with all of my lovely friends individually. Do you have any more ideas please?

Running. I have run my way through heartbreaking situations. It gets you fit, hits you with endorphins, takes you outdoors, and gives you a real sense of achievement. Couch to 5k?

Cool the friendship and avoid seeing him for at least a few months. Otherwise you will keep re-opening the wound. It will pass and when you are feeling stronger you can make a decision about whether you can be friends with him.

I would say a clean break would make the process quicker and ensure that you really heal. Also watch sad movies and cry!

The Paul McKenna book, I Can Mend Your Broken Heart, really works. It’s amazing. In my younger days I had to keep re-buying it because I gave my copies away to heartbroken friends.

Back off from the friendship for a long time (it will potentially never be the same again anyway). It will be far easier to heal without the constant reminder. If you have mutual friends this will obviously be difficult as,you dont want to isolate yourself.
I second running - found out I'd got into London marathon a few months after a 7 year relationship break up, it helped me massively and also became a new part of my life that he knew nothing about which made me feel like I was moving on, if that makes sense.
Its tired but true that time is the greatest healer, the feelings will fade.

Cut contact with him for a long period forever you will NOT get over him all the while he is in your life in some capacity. You can never really be friends with someone you have feelings for. During this period of heartache the last thing you need to know is what he is up to, if he has moved on. It will be hard at first but it really is a case of short term pain for long term gain.

I second exercise. Getting fit and losing some weight will help you feel like you have taken back control.

Good luck of course we know its a cliche but time will heal all

I think you'll have to sever all contact.

It is possible but of course it takes time. It took me a year to clear out my exes belongings after we'd split up!

Otavis
Running sounds good. I have done couch to 5k before and enjoyed it. I think I could run 5k now without doing the programme again. I have 2 worries about it. Firstly I’m 42 and I have heard that running can be ageing. I’m not sure if that’s true!!? Also, I’m worried that if I do something like sign up for a marathon then it will be with the intention of impressing him.

EstebanTheMagnificent
I haven’t seen him for 3 months but we have been in regular contact by phone and text. I think I’ll just let him lead on contact for a bit.

Doletmeknow
I’ll have a look at that book. Thanks.

Total no contact at all. Clean break. If you have regular contact you will still always hold the love and the pain won't heal.

There's a brilliant section in Feel The Fear (classic self help book.) You draw a large square and divide it into nine smaller squares. In each square you put an aspect of life e.g. work, hobbies, friends etc. Iirc at least one has to be community (e.g. service to the community or volunteering in some way) and one is spiritual (religious or at very least personal development/contact with nature) The others are up to you. One can be romance.

Each day you do something, however small to make progress with that aspect of your life. So say it's:

1. Family - phone a relative you love for a chat
2. Friends - meet up for a walk or coffee or invite hem round or out to see a film
3. Community - sign up to help at a food bank or animal rescue place, or just fill a bag with clothes for the Oxfam shop
4. Health and Fitness - do day 1 of C25K or try out a fitness class locally
5. Personal Development - sign up for an evening class or look for jobs the next grade up or learn a language or start a reading challenge etc
6. Romance - allow yourself 15-30 mins to drool over your ex, listening to music or start looking on OLD or spped dating...
7. Home - change a room around. Repaint some furniture etc
8. Work - set yourself a challenge to learn a new skill or complete a project early
9. Fun - do something you've never done before - go rock climbing or kayaking or to a ballet class or to the opera. Make a huge bucket list of things you;d like to try and tick off one major one a week and if you are feeling up for it, a small one each day.

You see from that list that suddenly the broken heart only occupies a small space in your busy life. By building up and supporting all other aspects of your life, when one aspect fails (lost job/broken relationship/loss of a friend or family member etc) the good stuff around it supports you and stops it from becoming an all consuming catastrophe.

Lovely idea milliefiori. Thanks so much.

It's actually such good fun you find yourself forgetting to be sad.

I have bought the Paul McKenna book. A ridiculous part of me doesn’t want to do it as I have never loved anyone like this in my life and I’m not sure if I really want that feeling to go away, if I’m truly honest. What a mess.

Think of it this way OP. You want to have that feeling for someone who can be in your life, who returns your love. You're not making the feeling die, just the inappropriate placing of it.