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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex has asked to be fwb

32 replies

ReptileQueen · 02/11/2019 00:25

I’m considering it.

We stayed friends because we have an overlap in our friendship group and have been getting along fine. I’m not looking for another relationship at the moment for various reasons.

I would be going into this knowing where I stand. We’ve discussed stopping as soon as one of us meets someone. It would be regular sex with someone I feel safe and comfortable with. And it was always really good with him.

Is this a terrible idea?

OP posts:

SpookilyBadOooooooh · 02/11/2019 00:26

Would you like to get back together?

Jollitwiglet · 02/11/2019 00:26

I wouldn't go there with an ex.

I honestly think that Fwb can work under certain circumstances, but not when there's any kind of history. Can get messy quickly

Aquamarine1029 · 02/11/2019 00:28

Yes, it's a terrible idea. You can't be FWB with someone you had a serious emotional relationship with.

mummmy2017 · 02/11/2019 00:30

Please don't do this.
You will get emotional involved and what if he decided to run two woman and doesn't tell you, or has a one night stand and gives you an STD.
Also while you having sex with him, or not moving on. He is an ex for a reason.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/11/2019 00:32

It can work perfectly well. Or it can go horribly wrong.
Regular sex with someone you like can be really good and llife-enhancing, particularly if both of you are not currently interested in 'a relationship' as in monogamy and/or the Relationship Escalator.

But it might depend on why you broke up in the first place. If one of you was nasty to the other, or went off with someone else and has now come back all tail-between-the-legs, it's probably not going to work. If it was a matter of one or both of you being too busy with other things (eg a job which involves a lot or nights away from home) then there's no real reason why it shouldn't work.

SoleBizzz · 02/11/2019 00:32

It's going to end up in hurt. I advuse no way.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/11/2019 00:37

TBH a lot of people would be much better off doing FWB things rather than desperately trying to force a situation which consists of good sex and mutual goodwill into This Is My Life Partner. It's even more the case if you don't have or (currently) want children with the person. Couplehood really isn't for everyone and if your life focus is something other than couplehood (your career, your art, your activism or whatever) then having someone you can ask when you fancy a night off and a shag is great.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/11/2019 00:41

The other thing more people should remember is that there are no guarantees. You could play along with all the bullshit about only having sex when you're 'in love', and the fetishization of monogamy, and things could still go horribly wrong. You can pursue couplehood with someone and find out that the person is awful to live with, lazy or selfish or even abusive. Or you could just get bored with one another and then have to disentangle your finances and all the rest of it.

If you find the idea appealling, OP, give it a go. If you're still pining for him - or if you've moved on but worry that he might be trying to get his feet back under your table - say no thanks.

Sunflower20 · 02/11/2019 00:56

BAD idea. You may think that you can keep it strictly sexual, but it most definitely will get messy.

FuntimeFranky · 02/11/2019 01:03

So you will only be sleeping with each other? Sounds like a relationship with a get out if anyone better comes along clause. In that case someone won’t be happy when the other ends it.

PumpkinP · 02/11/2019 01:27

If you did then he met someone else and dropped you would you be ok with that?

FridalovesDiego · 02/11/2019 01:44

Why did you split?

SpinneyHill · 02/11/2019 01:59

If you meet someone what then?

FWB tends to be Friends not exes, that's just exes shagging.

NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy · 02/11/2019 02:08

It can work.

I have a FWB with a guy i was in a relationship with for three years. We both still see other people and occasionally hook up for some fun. I've made it perfectly clear to him that it's really just sex - comfortable sex that we both know is going to be mutually satisfying - and nothing more, and he's good with that.

I think if you're open, honest and can communicate well with each other then it shouldnt be an issue.

Have fun OP!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 02/11/2019 02:28

I think a lot depends on why you split. Was it because you didn't like an aspect of each others' personalities/behaviours? In which case you're not well matched as friends, let alone FWB.

But if it was due to something like one of you moving away for work, that's much more hopeful.

Original poster

ReptileQueen · 02/11/2019 11:54

We didn’t split up because of any personality/emotional issues. It was because we weren’t really getting the time to spend together. He works nights, supposed to be 4 nights on and 4 off but he was being asked to do extra nights and some day shifts so we were hardly spending time together with my work schedule too. We just kind of drifted apart a bit.

We discussed sleeping with other people he’s said he wouldn’t sleep with anyone else if we did this and we’d stop if either of us met someone. He’s never had a ONS and I haven’t either, it doesn’t appeal to either of us so that wouldn’t be an issue. I trust him enough to be honest about anyone he met.

I was thinking if I go into knowing what it is then I could keep a cap on the emotional side. I don’t know if I’m being quite naive thinking that though?

OP posts:

Musicalstatues · 02/11/2019 11:55

I did this with an ex. We’ve been married for 11 years now so be warned!!!

JacquesHammer · 02/11/2019 11:56

Is there any harm in trying if you’re both going into it with your eyes open?

It might not work, it might be great. Either way it’s worth a shot if you think it would bring something to your life.

LittleBearPad · 02/11/2019 11:57

Do you have children together?

It’s not a good idea and you are likely to get hurt but if there are children involved then it’s a terrible idea.

thepeopleversuswork · 02/11/2019 11:58

It sounds to me as if it still isn't resolved emotionally and you still have feelings for one another. In which case mine would be a no.

I think FWB only works if both parties are absolutely clear that they have no desire to be in a committed relationship with one another and there are no regrets.

This doesn't sound that cut and dried and it would be difficult on either of you if/when the other one met someone else.

I'd save yourself the emotional grief, keep it platonic and find someone else personally.

Crystal87 · 02/11/2019 12:01

Personally I would never so this. I think it would get complicated. If he says he would stop shagging you if he met someone he wanted a relationship with, is that likely to make you feel shit, that he only wants you for sex?

JacquesHammer · 02/11/2019 12:02

If he says he would stop shagging you if he met someone he wanted a relationship with, is that likely to make you feel shit, that he only wants you for sex?

That’s kind of the point of FWB, the fact it is using someone (with their consent and knowledge) and they’re using you for sex.

saltysally · 02/11/2019 12:02

Considering the reasons you split up were not for bad reasons you could go for it. I can imagine your friendship group thinking you've reunited though which could put pressure on you both.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/11/2019 12:13

I had a FWB for 4 years and it worked fine. I ended it in April because I got bored and we are still friends, he didn't take it to heart as we both knew what we were getting into. He wasn't an ex though - I'm not sure if I could do it with an ex.

FWB work for me as I don't want a relationship, I have neither the time nor the inclination right now. It can be a good alternative.

Meshy23 · 02/11/2019 12:16

Been there done that and it ended up badly.

The sex is fine, but what do you do after in bed - cuddle, have breakfasts together, spend the day together? What do you do before - go for a drink, watch tv?

It starts getting messy very quickly without you realising it and he is an ex for a reason - what’s the point of going over old ground

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