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Original poster

How to explain termination?

27 replies

LostThatDay · 01/11/2019 22:00

Looking for some advice so please be gentle.. I have NCd.

I started a part time job the end of summer with a 12 week probation period. A few weeks ago I discovered I was pregnant then the horrendous sickness started.

I had to call work sick and as I'm in my probation period, I told my manager that I was pregnant and has morning sickness so that this wouldn't count as a normal sickness. Manager was so lovely and very excited for me. I didn't admit the truth that it was an unwanted pregnancy.

I've had a termination this week and will be returning to work on Monday. How do I explain that I'm not pregnant anymore. Do I just say that I'm no longer pregnant and don't want to discuss it? I know I'll be severely judged and I might find myself without a job at the end of my probation period.

What a mess!

OP posts:
Bigearringsbigsmile · 01/11/2019 22:03

If you have to say anything, sayvyouve 'lost ' the baby.

JennyBlueWren · 01/11/2019 22:04

I think as you say "I'm no longer pregnant and don't want to discuss it." Should be sufficient. Why will you be judged? You don't have to tell them you chose to not be pregnant. Show how good you are at your job and it shouldn't matter.

Loaf90 · 01/11/2019 22:09

Perhaps you could say 'I've lost the baby - I really don't want to discuss it'

DisappearingGirl · 01/11/2019 22:12

I think either of the above explanations are fine. Of course you'd hope no-one would judge you anyway ... but it's quite personal and I don't think anyone would expect you to discuss the details with workmates you haven't known for long. If anyone pushes the point (which I doubt they will) just say you'd prefer not to discuss it Flowers

Teachermaths · 01/11/2019 22:12

Say you lost the baby and don't want to talk about it.

Flowers for making a decision that's best for you. Try not to worry about what other people will think.

57Varieties · 01/11/2019 22:14

Agree, just say you’ve lost the baby x

Be kind to yourself Flowers

YelloThere · 01/11/2019 22:15

What you said there sounds fine, no one will dare to question it.

I’ve had both a termination and a miscarriage and both are as common as each other
(Statistic is 1 in 3 women will have an abortion.
1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage)

Sorry you’ve had to go through with it and look after yourself

Wheat2Harvest · 01/11/2019 22:16

I'm no longer pregnant and don't want to discuss it.

This sounds a bit contrived to me. I've never heard someone say this. Usually, it's "I've lost the baby." Only if people start asking questions would I add, "I don't want to discuss it."

I would be inclined to stick with the "I've lost the baby" explanation as the 'no longer pregnant' one is open to interpretation if you don't want people to know you've had a termination.

formerbabe · 01/11/2019 22:19

I agree with saying you've lost the baby and don't wish to discuss it.

However, I might be slightly concerned that they will assume you're ttc and therefore may be worried about keeping you on in case you will go off on mat leave?

In which case, I might be tempted to say that it was a miscarriage but it probably wasn't the right time anyway and you don't want to discuss further.

Muumee · 01/11/2019 22:22

It's absolutely fine to say either you've lost the baby or that you're no longer pregnant and don't wish to discuss it. Say whichever you feel works best for you.

BuffaloCauliflower · 01/11/2019 22:24

@Wheat2Harvest not sure what’s contrived about it? I’ve had a miscarriage today and saying ‘I’m no longer pregnant’ feeling much better than ‘I lost the baby’. In neither mine or the OPs situation is a baby ‘lost’.

OP - I work in HR, and I think ‘I’m no longe pregnant, I don’t want to talk about it’ is entirely reasonable. It would be inappropriate for anyone to press you further.

BanjoStarz · 01/11/2019 22:44

“Lost” is such a bullshit phrase - no one misplaces their baby whether they miscarry or terminate.

OP I think “I’m no longer pregnant and don’t want to discuss it” is perfectly acceptable. It would be breathtakingly crass for anyone to question you further.

Would that we live in a world where you wouldn’t be judged for making the best decision for you.

stucknoue · 01/11/2019 22:56

Just say you have lost the baby, say you don't want to discuss it

ReanimatedSGB · 01/11/2019 23:00

'I'm no longer pregnant and don't want to discuss it' is absolutely fine and they have no right whatsoever to ask you any further questions.

57Varieties · 01/11/2019 23:03

@BuffaloCauliflower Flowers

Dustybun · 01/11/2019 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MatildaTheCat · 01/11/2019 23:13

Some of these replies sound quite difficult to say in real life. It might be easier to say that you’ve had a rough week and aren’t pregnant any more but you’d rather not talk about it. Any reasonable person would absolutely respect that request.

It sounds softer than, ‘I don’t want to discuss ‘.

I hope it goes ok and you feel better soon.

Sizeofalentil · 01/11/2019 23:18

When I miscarried I said "my pregnancy ended this weekend. I'm fine and I'm going to be ok, but I'd rather we didn't discuss it"

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/11/2019 23:30

Sadly, I agree with a PP that if you use terminology that people will associate with a miscarriage; you might find that your new employers think that you'll be immediately back to trying, and that could affect whether they want to hire you. It shouldn't, but it'd be my concern.

Then again, I'm saddened that you felt you needed to tell them in the first place, in these circumstances.

I hope you're alright Thanks

Quitedrab · 01/11/2019 23:35

Maybe you could say it was "a false alarm". Ambiguous, but does not give the impression you'll try for another.a

BuffaloCauliflower · 02/11/2019 09:38

@57Varieties thanks x

AlwaysCheddar · 02/11/2019 09:47

Just say you lost the baby and sporevuaye their support but don’t walk to talk about it.

AlwaysCheddar · 02/11/2019 09:47
  • spiurvaye is appreciate!!
MitziK · 02/11/2019 09:54

When I miscarried, I couldn't say I'd lost it - I said I wasn't pregnant anymore and left it at that.

There was no implied assumption I'd be trying again, perhaps because there is still a school of thought that people need to wait a year before thinking about it, perhaps because they were just decent human beings who didn't think about such things because it was none of their business.

If I'd had a termination, I'd have used exactly the same phrase, as it's accurate and completely sufficient - no employer needs to know the ins and outs of a pregnancy ending. There are no employment laws that state x is only applicable if there is a miscarriage or y if the pregnancy is terminated, and considering a lot of miscarriages are managed by procedures identical to terminations, it's entirely irrelevant even on a medical basis.

On a cold note, quite frankly, the sympathetic way your boss sounds suggests to me that there won't be any comeback/threat to passing your probation if she assumes that your pregnancy ending was involuntary - but terminations are far more emotive to some and that could affect a decision.

So just say you aren't pregnant any more, say thank you if she says 'Oh, I'm so sorry' and if she says (which I would expect) 'Is there anything I can do?', replying 'I'm OK, thank you' and I think it'll be left at that.

Unexpectedthird27 · 02/11/2019 11:35

Another who just wants to say don't worry about being judged, you've done the right thing for you and therefore the situation. Look after yourself 💜