To ask how you discipline 3 children

[Batcrazy101]

Over all I have 3 very good kids. They are all bright, good at school, polite and for the most part are ok behaved.
Recently oldest (DD11) has been getting really ratty and not being very kind to the younger kids. She is constantly arguing with DH as well. My DS(5) has started being a bit destructive, for example he took a pencil to a bran new bed we bought for the spare room for no good reason and he is starting to push boundaries by not listening when told to do something.
Middle child (DD7) is a bit of a nightmare. She's a drama queen who loves to hog all the attention and does not like being told no. she throws tantrums daily.

I totally understand oldest is growing up, hormonal and body is changing. Middle is trying to find her place and DS is pushing boundaries , all normal for their age groups, my issue is I don't know how to discipline kids at these different ages. I find it really hard to impose a "punishment" on one without if effecting the other 2.

If I take away T.V/consoles for 1 I can't be there constantly to police that the offending child is not either watching the t.v, playing the game or watching the game being played

We used to use the "naughty step" but at 7 and 11 its a definite no no and even 5 is pushing it.
Oldest has a phone but she very rarely uses it so taking that from her doesn't seem like a punishment. they don't have tablets and only very rarely watch t.v as they have a lot going on. Stopping clubs doesn't seem like a fair punishment to the people who run and attend these clubs ( plus they are all paid for up front).

Can you tell me how you deal with children at different stages?

We found the Incredible Toddlers course really helpful, and I know some councils offer a school age and teen version. Maybe try that? I would first try giving them lots of positive reinforcement for good behaviour and talking through identifying their own feelings.

I'll give that a look thanks

Its not punishment they need, it's reconnection, then you won't need to discipline.

• they're good kids
• being ratty, unkind, body changes
• drama queen, needs attention
• being destructive and pushing boundaries

Sounds like they all need more attention. Give it to them. The older one needs guidance on changes and adolescent process.

The drama queen is crying out for attention, give it to her, she needs it. Attention is a need for children. If she claims it in appropriate ways/times, explain that to her in a calm loving way, but make sure you give her the closeness she is craving.

The little on probably needs discipline for limit seeking behaviour, but in a calm, authoritative and coherent way.

Dont take away clubs. Don't take away their stuff, but i would explain that their having nice stuff is dependent on their respectful behaviour. You do right to limit use of screen and mobile technology, it's not good for them and they dont need it. Try to find one on one time. Look at your own relationship with them, with their dad. Look after yourself.

Don't take away their stuff, but i would explain that their having nice stuff is dependent on their respectful behaviour
But what do you do if they don't behave respectfully?

@DoctoraNova thank you for your comment, very balanced and I appreciate that.

Try to find one on one time. Look at your own relationship with them, with their dad. Look after yourself.

I'm not making excuses but it is hard to find time for one on one with 3 kids who have full lives as well as having to work. Any time we have we spend it as a family so I will maybe look in to making time for each child on their own and see if that helps but my initial feeling is that it might cause more upset and rejection for the other 2 when I'm with 1 and it could be a week/2 weeks before they get their one on one time.

You command respect from children from a point of a positive attachment. Connect with the child from a place of genuine enjoyment in their presence. Explain clearly and simply your expectations and praise the behaviour you want to promote. Explain them they won't get what they want until they ask nicely, for example. They will learn. Its a long game.

You're obviously doing a lot right, @Batcrazy101 and the childrens' current behaviour and family dynamic is probably an expression of current stress or overworked schedules. You and the dad will have to decide what the prioritise to improve the situation, only you can know that.

Perhaps ask the more rational child to wait til last, explaining thay they have more time to decide what to do in 1-2-1 time? The child who's need is more urgent will need to be attended to sooner.
Play is always a good moment to reconnect: the little one might benefit from some rough and tumble, which is very good at instilling social limits.
Morning time is a good moment to start afresh, and greet each with hugs and kisses.

Tell them how much you love them, all the time.

Talk to the 11 yr old.
Explain that you understand that sometimes her emotions are not within her control, what is is the was she treats people around her. It is okay to feel how ever she feels but not to take that emotion out on others.
Give her some strategies, like being allowed to say, 'I'm not in a good mood today please leave me be' and then enforce that with the yo her ones.

If everyone's schedules prevent time together the. Maybe something needs to go, space needs to be made for time to just be.

It is tough but you will get through it.
Be consistent.

How did things go this month @Batcrazy101? Have you been able to facilitate any changes?