To interfere as a friend?

[TrickOrTrick]

I have a friend who split up with her boyfriend about 4 months ago. They were NC for a while and she was starting to move on.

He started getting in touch with her again and they’ve been texting a bit but he’s not showing any signs of actually wanting to be with her. Would I be unreasonable as a friend to send him a message asking him to stop and let her move on?

She’s started having hope of being with him again because he puts kisses on the end of messages and instigates chats. I feel it’s unfair of him to do this but don’t want to cross a line.

I think YABU to want to contact him directly, but surely you could have a word with your friend and ask her why she thinks he's getting back in touch with her, and how she feels about it?

YABVVVVU
DO NOT stick your nose in!

I honestly get where you're coming from, no one wants to see their friend being messed around like that, but you'd need to be 100% certain he's got no intentions of maybe wanting to be with her again and if she feels she wants to be back with him, if she found out you'd tried to stop him, it may not look great on your part. You may be better asking your friend (if she really wants to he with him) to maybe ask him outright if that's what he wants, no point waiting to find out down the line and wasting time on a question that could be asked now. Xx

Keep out of it. You may be right but she won't thank you for it.

I think it's completely right that you want to but you absolutely cannot. There's no way that she would see this as you doing a good thing.

Thanks everyone I’ll keep out of it.

I’ve tried talking to my friend but she wants to be with him and is taking him being in touch with her as a sign he wants to be with her. She wasn’t interested in hearing otherwise so I thought maybe talking to him so she doesn’t end up hurt again but I won’t send a message.

I think that is a good idea, OP! If you did this to me, you wouldn't be my friend for much longer.

The desire to be this controlling in other people’s lives is a sign that you need to look at your own emotional patterns OP.

I think that’s more crucial than someone having a dodgy boyfriend, actually.

I know you care about your friend but I think it would be a good idea for you to examine how you attach to others.

Would I be unreasonable as a friend to send him a message asking him to stop and let her move on?

Totally unreasonable - that would be treating her as a child.
Even though I feel you are right, 'cos it's awful she's allowing herself "to get her hopes up" over a few easily-keyed X's on a blasted text.

You'd be reasonable to tell her she's opening herself up to a world of new pain if she allows a man who dumped her, went NC, then had the brass neck to try to reel her in again to re-enter her life.

He is toying with her, because he can.
If you can persuade her that she's worth too much to waste herself on this charmer, THAT wold be an ace friend indeed.

Good luck with Mission Disengage, OP :)

I’m afraid you’re going to have to watch the car crash from the sidelines and when/if it goes wrong be the good friend then. My BF was on/off with her DH for six months while he treated her pretty badly. I only gave my opinion if directly asked (“I think you deserve to be treated better”),otherwise I just took a Socratic approach to discussing it. I know if I’d bad mouthed him she’d have been driven further in to a shit relationship and I would have been cut off. Handling this kind of thing reminds me of the protocols used to help people exit closed groups and cults (I know that sounds extreme!).

The desire to be this controlling in other people’s lives is a sign that you need to look at your own emotional patterns OP.
I think that's a bit harsh, she just wants to save her friend from making a mistake - I say this as someone who has ignored good advice and gone on to make bad choices myself rather than the person who gives unwanted advice.