To feel like I have to prove I’m not a bad parent

[Wetwashing00]

I’ve posted a lot in the past about my ex and the way he makes me feel I’m not up to scratch as a parent.
We cannot co parent together, as it leads to arguments that he involves our daughter in.
I try to take the high road & ignore his comments but it doesn’t get me anywhere. I always come off as the uncaring bad guy.
She obviously loves her dad but he says a lot of things to her that gets her mind ticking and she takes it out on me. I then spend a lot of time trying to persuade her that I do love & care for her because her dad has made her feel like I don’t. She always jumps to his defence if I try to defend myself though, so again I bang my head on a brick wall.

He has her EOW, extra time during school holidays but doesn’t pay child Maintenance. Although he buys her clothes etc.. it’s never at the time they are needed. He doesn’t attend parents evenings or help her with homework.
He works ‘occasionally’ off the books/cash in hand so he doesn’t pay tax.
the CMS cannot take from his wages
As they cannot find a paper trail for him. So he is able to focus a lot of his time on just her when she’s there. I work shifts around 30 hours per week sometimes more/less. My partner has a standard 9-5 weekdays.
My ex’s most occurring put down is that I don’t give our DD enough attention. This is the reason he gives for any bad behaviour from her.

Examples like: he made a comment to our DD that I didn’t hug/kiss or make a fuss when I picked her up after she had spent a week on holiday with him.
The reality is: I took her bags put them in the boot and she got straight in the car.i told her she looked very tanned, we all missed her etc. When we got home we all bundled on her with hugs & kisses.

He then made plans with her yesterday to go out for dinner because I hadn’t written anything on our family planner so he assumed I wasn’t doing anything with her for Halloween.

Reality: I actually had 3 hours of time available to spend with just her and we were going to do Halloween make up on each other.

I feel at constant war with him, he is always trying to show me up as a half arsed parent. But he has no idea what our home life is like. Although I’d love to be able To be home with the kids more, unfortunately I have to work to pay bills. And I have a right to work in a job that I enjoy. But he says I should Work in a school so I can be home more. All of this seems to make our daughter more demanding and attention seeking.
Our relationship is becoming damaged, and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m already spread as thin as possible.
Our DD attends support groups & has had counselling & play therapy.

That was long, thank you if you’ve managed to read to the end.

How old is your DD?

She is 11

He is a big fan of the love bombing, constant gushing text messages get sent every few days. If she doesn’t respond within minutes she gets a phone call.

I on the other hand let her spend time with her dad uninterrupted. I send 1 text asking how her weekend has been,love you, see you later type. This gets portrayed as uncaring

Bumping so more will see, this is really tough for you and I sympathise. Part of me thinks she’s old enough for you to have a careful conversation about work, needing to work so she can have all the nice things she likes etc.

We are always having a conversation about the differences in home life. She does have it tough trying to adapt to 2 very different parents & homes.
But I find it frustrating having to do this all the time, she was only 18months when we broke up.
It’s like he undoes all my work trying to make her feel secure & loved.

He sounds like a manipulative pain in the arse, however it should be possible to outmaneuver him, if his techniques stop working he will stop using them, think of him as an animal that you're trying to train.
some version of grey rock where you are very neutral and businesslike with him might be a starting point for taking control of the situation, try and have firm boundaries and stick to them, refuse to engage on any power struggles.

I have no advice to offer OP but I just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time of it.

My younger sister went through this with her Dad, we were raised by our Grandparents and at no point did he ever try to obtain custody of her, but he would turn up once a month with a stack of presents and then take her away for the weekend and just throw money at her basically. When she was 9 until around the age of 12/13 she took her frustrations out on my GP’s, said often that they didn’t love her as much as her Dad because they didn’t dote on her the same way (a lot of learned rhetoric from him) when she turned 14 she had an epiphany, she told her Dad she no longer wanted gifts or days out whenever they saw each other, she just wanted his time and a real relationship - not for him to try and buy her love. She apologised (as best a 14 yo can) to my GP’s as well.

It was awful for my GP’s who sacrificed so much to take me and my DB and DSis in, but in the end she sussed out who was more deserving of her gratitude. I hope it goes the same way with your DD

I try to keep my cool so much but he tries to control everything.
He won’t attend mediation and I can’t afford to take him to court.

This weekend has been no different, I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to pick up our daughter at a previously agreed time because it’s his time with her and he decides when she comes home. Basically he just changed his mind.

Now we are leading up to Christmas there will be a new argument brewing.
Last Xmas there was an argument about drop off/pick up times. We alternate Xmas. Last year he had her from 23rd Dec till Boxing Day, but his girlfriend decided last minute she wasn’t going to drop her home as agreed and I had to collect her at a time he specified (1pm)
She didn’t end up going for New Years because he refused to tell me when I was ‘allowed’ to bring her home.
So now he thinks he has her this New Years, although it’s my Xmas & new year with her. She will be going to him on Boxing Day.
He will now refuse to let me pick her up before New Years so he gets his way again.

It’s driving me nuts

Then toughen up. Don't let him have contact on his own terms only. If he is not going to drop her back on the 26th, you know that in advance so why drop her in the first place?

He doesn't pay maintenance so years ago you should have let him take you to court so a formal contact plan would have been put in place and pursued him for maintenance.

Google parallel parenting as you cannot co parent with someone like that.

Also its been going on since she was 18 months old, so you should have been more firm and told him what was going to work for you. He has had 9 years of jerking you around and power plays, so it is going to be very hard to change the dynamic now but not impossible.

You do need to change it as he will actively drive a wedge between you as she heads into her teenage years when she will probably hate you no matter what you do. He will relish in adding to any natural conflict.

Draw up a contact plan on your own terms to have good 1 2 1 time with her, you are doing the everyday parenting so this is your right. It's is not fair or good for her to miss out on this time with you.

Do not share a family timetable with him, this is giving him power to change plans, power that he does not need.

Once you have made a contact plan that you know would work for both of you but you are not giving quality time away to him, then stick to it. He does not do the core parenting so gets quality time every time he sees her, if he chooses. You are doing the daily grind so you need to ensure you make time with her.

Good luck.

I’d block his number and stop all contact. Let him take you to court. Let him explain to the judge that he doesn’t work legally. Let him explain to the judge why he doesn’t stick to the agreed plan. He sees her every second weekend and doesn’t pay mainteinance? Not a chance would I allow him to have her over Christmas

I’ve tried so many things, he won’t take me to court. I stopped contact once around 5 years ago to force him to take me, he attended 1 mediation meeting talked The talk to get his contact back then didn’t turn up again so it never happened.
Our daughter was distraught with not seeing him I couldn’t stop contact again.
I tried mediation again in January and he never showed up. I couldn’t afford the fee to get the form signed off for court so I’m back to square one with legal.
He bought her a phone that he keeps in contact with her, asked her what is on our family calendar. Then makes arrangements with her behind my back. When I try to stop it she gets angry with me for taking her time away with her dad. As he bribes her with shopping trips & outings to make his time seem more exciting so she will go.

The Boxing Day argument happened on Xmas eve so she was already there when they refused to bring her home which is always the way it happens. That’s why I never dropped her back for New Year’s Eve last year.

He has always had a problem with most of the contact plans that I’ve provided the last 9 years, it will all work for a little while until he changes his mind.
EOW has been for over 2 years now since we moved house. We agreed to do half the driving, he picks up I collect. He doesn’t drive so his girlfriend will also dictate how much driving she will do. It used to be the other way around then she would refuse to bring her home so I would end up doing both drop offs & pick ups.

When I try to point out the fact that he seems to think he can change the agreement at my expense he tells me to fucking deal with it. He thinks he’s entitled to as he doesn’t see her as much as me.

I’d get a different SIM card for her phone (so she still has one) and block his number. Tell him that if he wants to arrange something it goes through you.

It will get easier. Your DD will get older and wiser, and see through the shopping trips, especially if he makes sly digs at you.

Isn't 11 old enough to learn all about love bombing and cohersive control under the guise of she's in high school now and needs to know about healthy relastionships and boundaries?
It may put a new spin on him in her eyes and stop her letting him paint you are the bad guy.

Me & my daughter have spoken about it, although she struggles to see it that way. When she’s had a falling out with him she seems to agree with me more but during all the bribes and love bombing she can’t. She’s told me she feels torn between us both.

I sometimes remind her how different their relationship has been at times when he has had her longer over half term & she’s called me crying because of something he has said or done. But this feels like I’m just doing the same to her as what he is doing. I’m struggling to stay neutral

As hard as it is try to be as understanding and open as you can with your daughter, she will see through him eventually and all of his nasty little games will backfire on him

I understand that you have been trying to protect your 11 year old from pain, but your ex has no such qualms about including her in adult conversations.

As things stand, she is leaning that parental alienation (of her mother, by her father) is normal. That not meeting your financial responsibilities to pay maintenance – is acceptable. Is he claiming benefits? Surely eh should be paying the minimum £7 a week then, and in 9 years, there should have been some sanctions to get him into work/detect he is working cash in hand?

Why if you do all of the daily grind, and he does none of it, does he gets alternate Christmases and extra time in the school holidays. These are the privileges of a co-parent, one who is actively involved in raising the child. If you are according to him, spread too thin, then it is you who needs this time. A new agreement is needed – if he is not working for maintenance purposes then you as her mother don’t need to take his working time into account. If you are off work on a bank holiday – that’s you time with her – including every Christmas, New years and Easter. If he’s not working, he can fit his contact time around when you work. If he wants to see her, he will. If he just wants to use your daughter as a tool to punish you, stop enabling that. If he doesn’t like it, let him take you to court – which is what you want anyway.

It’s been 9 years – you have tried to be reasonable. He’s not playing fair, Time to put a stop to him bullying you.

I have got a message written out to ask him to stick to our arrangement or I will be forced to stop contact. phone calls don’t work he just slams the phone down.

CMS have said they doubt they will ever get a payment from him. There is no paper trail for them to investigate. HMRS have no info past 2012, he has signed on twice this year, his girlfriend last year was claiming as a single parent. But he works most of the time, wages are paid into a family members account.
They went on a £2000 holiday end of August and always have new trainers/clothes etc.

I have thought about reporting him for tax evasion but I don’t have a lot of info. All I know is that he talks about working/being at work occasionally.

I know the counsellor cant feed back to you but have you raised what he is doing with them? So that they can being it up, give her coping strategies and unpick her feelings about this?
What does she actually want you to do differently?

I’ve brought it up with them, and they’ve worked on coping strategies and how to deal with feelings. But now the course is over with she seems to forget, although I saw her leaflet out again so I hope she’s had a re-read.

She doesn’t know what she wants me to do, she wants an end to the fighting/arguing and tug of war.

@Wetwashing00 your ex sounds just like my XH.
Our DD is 11 in 3 weeks and we split up when she was 3.
The best thing I did ( apart from splitting up ) was take him to court.
I had to get into a fair amount of debt to do it but it's the one thing that has really helped.
He started refusing to give her back at our agreed handover times, was aggressive and violent towards my then fiancé ( we'd been split 3 yrs at that point ) told my daughter fiancé was a paedophile and that it's all mummy's fault we're no longer a family. And loads more vile, spiteful lies.
I took him to court 5 yrs ago and got a Child Arrangement Order which sets out, contact times, holidays and bank holidays, what he's not allowed to talk to her about, that she is allowed to attend groups such as Girl Guides if she wants to. All sorts are included.
He still tries to control me and DD and fills her head with nonsense and lies.
BUT
I pull him up on it all and bring out the court order every time I need to remind him.
Also in the last couple of years, even though she loves him, DD has started to realise what her dad is really like. I've never bad mouthed him she's just older and sees things now.

Who is the family calendar mainly for? Is it you and your partner? If so can you both use an online one e.g. Google calendar connected to your smartphones that she doesn't see.

If you then ensure she has no access to the connected email accounts, your DD then cannot report to her dad what she is doing when behind your backs as she has to ask one of you.

Really sorry to hear this OP.

I know this isn't a huge comfort to you now, but slow and steady wins the race. Just keep on keeping on, your daughter will be able to see the forest for the trees in good time.

Please resist the temptation to not remain neutral. You're nearly there, in a few years she's going to be managing this relationship on her own.

I know court would probably solve a lot of our issues. It’s just getting there.

With no spare money for savings or even car repairs there’s no way I can afford mediation fees then courts fees on top.
I can’t even get a loan.

I did manage to pay £95 for 1 meeting alone with a mediator in January, but he never showed up to the next one which she kindly didn’t charge me for.
I then couldn’t afford the fee to escalate to court. So I’d have to start at mediation again.

I’d love for him to take me to court, but he wouldn’t dare as his tax evasion would all be exposed and he’d probably end up in prison....again

@IndieTara

I’ve either heard your story before or there are a lot of ex’s out there pulling the same stunts.
But yes my ex has done the exact same to me in the past

@Wetwashing00 I suspect there are a lot of them out there