To be finding it hard to be the only one without kids

[Footiefan2019]

Hello
What it says on the tin basically...
I am from a close family of 4 kids I’m the youngest. Also have a cousin who I’m the same age as who has grown up closely to us.

I’m the only one without kids. I’m in a relationship but no kids yet it’s just not been the right time and my bf isn’t sure about it.

We all spend lots of time together and are quite involved with each other’s lives. I am finding it hard to see my place in the family as an adult with no children. I feel others see me as a bit childish and feckless and having a child could prove my competence in some way. Interestingly I asked friends and they see me as youthful but quite organized and almost motherly in the group. It’s like my role changes within the family.

Anyone else in this position ? Any tips as in feeling very down at the moment.

Having a child to prove you are an adult is a spectacularly bad idea.

I think your position is difficult and I really do feel for you. My sis in law is in the same predicament in our family - 5 years older than me and no children, despite wanting them. It's definitely an awkward dynamic and she's viewed as being less mature/ together by others in the family. I'm not sure what the solution is OP but I hope things work out for you soon

@StillCoughingandLaughing oh I definitely know this or I would have had one or two by now. In my sillier moments before I was with bf I even hoped to get pg accidentally on purpose with a very brief workplace fling but it didn’t happen thank actual god for that. But I just thought it would solve all my problems.

@loaf90 thanks for the support. It is good to hear it’s not just me. I find it hard to spend time with a particular older aunt and my grandma (sisters) as the whole afternoon will be spent discussing the children in the family and how absolutely fantastic my siblings and cousin are.

I would like to add, I adore the kids. Like ... adore

We have things in common OP!

I am from a really big family, I am the youngest and I don't have children. My siblings are all married and have kids. I do not feel I am looked upon as childish because I'm not a parent, but there is an element in my family of my opinion (sometimes) being disregarded because of being the youngest.

Unfortunately I don't have any advice for you other than to say what is for you won't go by you, you don't have to live your life in accordance with other people's timeline, you don't have kids yet but you might one day and even if you don't, your life doesn't have to be less fulfilling or rewarding than your siblings.

@Footiefan2019 I can imagine from reading your post that you may be the fun aunt type figure? I reckon you are more appreciated than you realise. If you enjoy these things keep buying the kids Xmas gifts, keep playing with them, odd babysitting nights or whatever. Your siblings and Nan etc will value these actions so much. The problem is that once young children come along the older adults do become second fiddle, which sucks for you particularly as you don't have any. You'll be well prepared for when you may have your own and your siblings hopefully in a position to return the favours x

@pinksparkleunicorns thank you x I do see myself as that role and I relish it. I feel like I do lots to help everyone. I think the problem is that whilst I have previously really enjoyed this I’m now starting to feel a bit ‘under appreciated’ now it’s become more routine ? I always repeat to my Grandma and aunts ‘I took x to cinema last week’ or ‘yes I decided to treat x to their footie boots this term’ but I feel like they literally don’t hear me, I get a ‘that’s nice dear’ type response. Because I know doing that stuff can’t compare to the grind of parenting. But sometimes I feel like I could singlehandedly cure the common cold whilst climbing Everest and someone in my family would say ‘well try having two kids then you’ll know hard work !’

@WagtailRobin thanks for your reply. I think what you’ve said rings true. I’m having to come to terms with my life not following the timeline I or my family might have expected at this point. Whilst I’m successful in some respects, I am behind in others. And I’ll have to just realize that it’s my life and I have to life it on my own terms

I bet you a favourite aunt.

Some questions you might want to ask yourself (and no need to answer them here):
Do I want children?
If so, why?
Do I buy things for the DC, help out with them etc. on my own initiative or am I asked to/is it expected of me?
Why do I feel like my life should have a timeline?
Do your friends and family have the same ideas on 'where you should be in life by now'?
Should you perhaps be a little less involved with the family and spend more time alone/with friends?

@pixxie7 aw I hope so !

OP - I can't have kids. I'm in my late 30s and I'm treated like I'm much younger. It annoys me massively. Apparently a working reproductive system and resultant offspring equals a maturity one can't possibly understand without them.

Apparently it means nothing that I successfully look after (and teach) 30 little ones every day and look after my brother's baby when needed.

There are massive changes needed with regards to how non parents are treated by society but what hope have we got if our own families don't even understand it? I despair!

@Bluetac19 sorry to hear this  I'm a mum and a teacher. Teaching is so bloody hard, I feel like anyone who isn't a teacher (especially in today's climate!) has no idea how hard it is. They just don't 'get' the job and it's pressures.

However, I do think I find this similar with parenting. I have really struggled with being a mum, it's harder than I ever imagined and if I'm honest you can't compare teaching with being a parent. They are both hard but just completely different.

The difference is (I think) that older relatives can empathise more with parenting than they can teaching, because they have been there and done that and know it's so hard. They can't with teaching or work related stress.

Likewise, although I try I can't imagine the emotions and stress for someone that cannot or does not have children for reasons out of their control.

You sound like a very strong person who has had a lot to deal with. If you can't find support from you family, although hurtful, please try to remind yourself of how amazing you are. X

Pinksparkeunicorn
Thank you for your kind message. I'm not comparing the two but rather wondering why people doubt the maturity of non mothers when under the surface they are often dealing with a million tough things just like mothers.

It’s funny, growing up I looked on the childless adults as absolutely having their shit together - probably because they had great careers, lovely homes and fab holidays to exotic places.
Contrast that with households where Peppa Pig’s playing on a loop.....

@ChileConCarne I actually had a relative growing up who was childless by choice and she seemed to me to have a wonderful life but everyone seemed to sort of tut and wonder why she never ‘sorted herself out’ with a husband and kids etc

@Footiefan2019

How are you you?

I must be pissed.

How OLD are you (sorry)!!!

I’m 27

Hmmmm, 27 is quite young.

I think you have a safe few years yet. But I know how you feel. There was a few years when ALL my cousins (7 of them) had kids, and ALL my female colleagues (about 7, or 8,) and I was the only one, and I got sick of the baby-talk/you'll be next blah blah blah.... and I did feel left out.

I did wait til I was ready though (and DH was too!) We had 2 eventually (late 20s.)

Don't have a baby because you think you SHOULD have one! Just wait another 3 or 4 years. No rush.