Bedroom dilemma with eldest dd

[beehive74]

My situation is that I have been a single parent for 8 years to 2 dds. One is 12 and other 17, in a 2 bedroom house. Two years ago I decided after much debate and soul searching ( because of the age gap, hugely different personalities and interests and GCSEs on the horizon) to give them their own bedrooms and I moved downstairs into the lounge. This has worked perfectly with no problems since. My eldest dd17 is now studying A levels and in a years time will be going to university. So my question is ..
AIBU to take over her current room when she leaves and box up her belongings and have her sleep downstairs during holidays or should I sleep in her room while she is away but keep it as it is?
I don't want her to feel pushed out but at the same time don't see why there should be an empty room while I am sleeping on a sofa bed!

When I left to go to uni my brother moved straight into my room. If I came home in the holidays then I shared with my mum. Just don't get upset if she chooses not to come home in the summer holidays. I didn't - so essentially left home at 18 other than occasional visits.

Ugh, that's tough. Why not have a family meeting, present all the options to your daughters and ask their opinions? You might be surprised with what they come up with.

I think you should absolutely sleep in her room while she's away.
However if you make her sleep in the lounge when she comes back, she will probably avoid coming back. She will want space for her and her stuff and a door to close when she's home (and holidays are long at uni). Even if she's nice about it when its explained, she is likely to be put off and limit time at home.

I think in theory that is absolutely fine, but in her situation I would then make other arrangements for holidays. As long as you are okay with that maybe happening, crack on. The thing is, she may not come back for the holidays anyway, I had a boyfriend who had a flat off campus so I stayed with him. Would have been silly for my mum to keep my room in that situation.

Thank you all. I think the best action would be that I sleep in there while she is away, and keep it as her room so that when she comes home she still has her own space. If she chooses to stay away during holidays etc then I will discuss changing the room totally then.

I would probably sleep in her room but leave it for the first term or year maybe? So she doesn't feel instantly pushed out during what is already quite an upheaval. By second year she'll be coming home a lot less I would think and you can redecorate.

Personally, I would sleep in her bedroom whilst she was away, and make it clear that she could have it back when she was home. Otherwise, I would fear she just wouldn't come home.
You may also have issues if DD2 has her eye on having the larger bedroom (assuming of course that DD1 has a larger bedroom) once her sister moves out.

Both bedrooms are a similar size so there won't be an issue with youngest wanting to change rooms thankfully. That is my biggest fear that she will feel as if she's been thrown out and can't come back so will leave her room but probably buy a new bed and sleep in there while she's away 🙂

I would say definitely sleep in it, but maybe don't turn it back in to your room until maybe after a year or so? Just in case she feels like she can't come back if she's not happy at uni! But after that I would say absolutely, it's your house. If you make it clear she always has a home with you that is all that matters

Personally I’d be more worried as to why she hasn’t come to you and said ‘I assume you’ll be sleeping in my room when I’m gone so you don’t have to sleep in the lounge anymore!’

Don't be silly. Are you really expecting a 17yo to think that through and come to her mum and say that.
She may be assuming mum will sleep there when she's away but I wouldn't expect her to say it.
However it probably hasn't even occurred to her either way as at this point, university seems a long way off to them.

Agree with @breakfastpizza, your DDs are old enough to be involved in the discussion and the decision making process. Ultimately it will be your choice but you should get their views and raise your concerns as well.

I think you should definitely take over that bedroom and make it yours - but when she is home for the holidays you move downstairs again rather than making her sleep in the lounge - she will need some private space and I know you will too but she won't have the emotional maturity to cope without it. But during term time you should definitely fell like this is your own bedroom, not you sleeping in your DD's room.

Perhaps you could have your room back and the girls can share when big sister comes back from uni? Theres a 5 year gap between my sister and I and this is essentially what I did and worked fine for us.

I think you should ask her and see how she feels but tbh I would hope she would want you to have an actual bedroom!.
I think my teenagers would be horrified to see me sleeping on the living room tbh!