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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to friend of friend coming along

44 replies

RoseLillian · 31/10/2019 20:41

It’s oldest Dd 4th birthday in a couple of months. In order to avoid the stress of the last couple of years of trying to arrange a party at the festive time of year I thought I would find something she would really enjoy doing instead and then have a meal plus soft play just with family on the day. I found something I think she will love. Her best friend has her birthday around the same time and I am friends with her Mum so I thought it might be nice to ask them along as a Birthday treat for her also. It also meant Dd would get to spend part of her birthday treat with her best friend. Friend messaged me back to see if it would be alright to ask her friend and daughter (similar age along). I have met the friend a few times and she seems really nice, but I don’t know her well. It would mean Dd instead of sharing her birthday treat with her best friend, spending it with her best friend and a child she doesn’t know. I don’t really feel like I can say no though 😕.

OP posts:

MissSueDenim · 31/10/2019 23:37

Why are people so fucking weird? Why when someone invites your child to an obviously special, singular event would you ask if another kid can tag along?!

Probably because the best friend’s birthday is at the same time & OP thought it might be nice to ask them along as a Birthday treat for her also. The other mum might be looking at it as a joint celebration, rather than just OP DD’s birthday treat, so possibly didn’t think there would be a problem.

Walkingthedog46 · 31/10/2019 23:50

I wouldn’t. There’s always the risk that her friend and friend’s friend might go off together, to the exclusion of your daughter. It would ruin her birthday to feel left out.

Luaa · 01/11/2019 00:11

Are you paying for the friend?

DarklyDreamingDexter · 01/11/2019 00:33

Nope, I wouldn't. A few years back, my daughter and i arranged to go to the Harry Potter tour with my friend and her daughter 'E' who's the same age as mine and also a friend. 'E' asked to bring another friend along too. The two of them laughed and giggled their way around the tour, leaving my daughter out completely and having to tag along with me and the other mum. Very annoying. Wish I'd just said no when it was first suggested.

BackforGood · 01/11/2019 00:41

She's 3 !
At that age they just get on and play with whoever is near.
You are imposing adult sensibilities on to 3 year olds when they just don't have the same reservations as adults.

If you want a cosy chat with your friend and feel less comfortable with someone you don't know as well, then fair enough - but own it. The girls wont have any problem getting along.

Derbee · 01/11/2019 00:52

I wouldn’t know how to say no. But I think it’s bloody rude of her to ask and put you in that position.

Wakeupalready · 01/11/2019 01:35

I'd say no. and you absolutely can.

Three is a really dodgy number with small children, especially if DD has no relationship with the other one. She'll end up left out on her own birthday, or will be hurt by her friend spending less time with her. It's a very rare trio of under 5's that gets on equitably in a situation like you describe.
And just say, it's DD's birthday and I thought it would be nice for the two of them to have some time together as an extra "present/ nice thing to do for her". I'm sorry, but it the extras won't work in with my plans. It's just close family and the one special friend invited for DD. If you can't make it, maybe we can organize a play date later in the week. Thanks.

Wakeupalready · 01/11/2019 01:41

@Whoops75 the key difference with your scenario is 'for a number of years". OP's daughter has no relationship with the extra child. I

GreenTulips · 01/11/2019 01:47

BackforGood

Exactly what I was thinking!

God, bore the bullet and make a new friend

MangoSalsa · 01/11/2019 02:27

Is it that she already had plans with the other mother and child at that time? So she didn’t want to say no your invitation but also didn’t want to break a prior engagement? If it’s that I’d be inclined to say yes, so your DD doesn’t think she’s second choice.

Otherwise, I’d suggest another time for all three to get together rather than a straight no. Just a less special/potentially pressured situation than a birthday treat.

VenusTiger · 01/11/2019 02:36

Yeah I’d say no too, politely suggest that your DD wants to spend the time with her DD just the two of them, that’s providing she hasn’t already mentioned it to the other friend though eek!

FemaleEcho · 01/11/2019 02:54

How did you word the suggestion for the soft play thing?

I can see how it can be cheeky if the other mum but can also see how it might not be cheeky.

If it's "hiya, lm taking Emily to soft play for a little treat for her birthday, were not doing a party but we've suggested she invite a friend and wale were wondering if you and Lucy would like to join us". Then yes, she's cheeky, especially if you're paying for them.

If it's a "Hiya we're taking Emily to soft play for her birthday and i know it's Lucy's birthday around the same time and was wondering if you'd like to do little joint birthday treat to celebrate" and she's paying her share of a joint celebration treat then I don't think the little girl is cheeky in inviting someone else to what sounds like is this girls birthday treat too.

If I only want one child there I usually offer to pick up and drop off because I learnt that anything birthday related at soft play always ends up with extra kids. When dd was 5 we invited five friends because that's all I could afford. I ended up having to pay for ten kids as some parents brought siblings and signed them in on the party sheet. I've learnt from many threads on here that's not rare which is why the next time we did something like that I picked the kids up myself.

FWIW three kids, esp that young don't necessarily have to leave one out, dd had a close friend at nursery and then when they started reception another little girl who was also close to her friend joined the school and nobody was left and they're still three best friends at 15 years old. I'm not friendly with their mums but on play dates when they were young they made sure their child include both girls but I can understand why you don't your daughters birthday treat to be a lesson in making new mates and would rather her just have one friend there.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/11/2019 03:21

Your mistake was in offering this as her dds birthday treat rather than asking her if she wished to join you and your family and this being in lieu of a party. I think as you’ve done it this way, she’s now expecting it as a joint celebration so I can understand why she’d want another person to balance out those wishing her dd a happy birthday.

Idk if you were planning on giving presents to your dd at soft play. I can just imagine a scenario, where this birthday treat for her dd turns into your dd getting gifts and her dd getting none as you paid for her dd. Children don’t get that taking them out is in lieu of a birthday present until they’re about 10. So I’d revise how you give gifts in the future.

I think you’ve backed yourself in a corner and could sound mean if you refuse. You’re making a lot out of not knowing this child. Kids at this age normally just play together. It’s rare that there is an instant dislike. My dd is part of a trio at her secondary school and is part of a trio with children from her old school.

ShippingNews · 01/11/2019 03:51

Just for the future - think about celebrating DD's birthday a month earlier , so she can have a non-Christmas celebration. My DS was born in Christmas week, so we always had his birthday in November . Same date, different month. It worked well for us.

misspiggy19 · 01/11/2019 03:51

They’ll leave your dd out, I’d put money on it.

^Guaranteed to happen

MerryMarigold · 01/11/2019 04:11

Her best friend has her birthday around the same time and I am friends with her Mum so I thought it might be nice to ask them along as a Birthday treat for her also.

I think you've posed it as a birthday treat for this other girl so she wants to invite a friend along. It's a communication thing. If it was just that it was your dad's birthday and your inviting her friend to come along there wouldn't be this confusion. Is it on friend's actual birthday or something?

MerryMarigold · 01/11/2019 04:12

Dd's birthday not dad's, obviously

Original poster

RoseLillian · 01/11/2019 10:15

I think I may have worded my op badly. The meal/ soft play was actually on her birthday and just for family. Have younger daughter and nieces who are older, but young enough to still enjoy soft play.

This was a separate event that is only happening on 3 weekends. When I suggested it to friend we decided on best date together, so no prior arrangement with her other friend. I think my friend just knew her friends little girl would enjoy it too and that is why she asked. I don’t think there was more thought to it then that.

As to those who think children at this age won’t leave a child out I can guarantee they will. I had some problems a month or so ago with DD’s best friend telling her she was no longer her best friend and someone else was and that she wasn’t going to play with her. Dd came back from nursery a couple of times upset by this. The following day they would be best friends again and thankfully this seems to have settled.

In the end I said yes to the other girl coming as I am a coward and people pleaser. Fortunately the other girl is busy on that day so won’t be coming anyway which is a relief.

I do realise I do need to learn to say no. Although if I genuinely thought friend was a CF I would have found it easier. I have no reason to maintain a bad friendship. In this case it’s not like that. I do hate being put in that position though.

OP posts:

Sugarandspiceandallthat · 01/11/2019 11:18

In the end I said yes to the other girl coming as I am a coward and people pleaser.

Maybe in future you should think about putting your daughter before your cowardice and need to people please others.

Trust me, your daughter will grow up knowing that she comes second to you and everyone you people please.

Grow a backbone - if not for you then for your children. smh.

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