Baby's dad trying to take over?

[FakeTurtle]

I feel like I'm not allowed to make any decisions when it comes to my baby (backstory - born premature 31+6 been in hospital for a month, should be discharged Monday).
I didn't chose what formula to put our son on, he chose it. Called me a control freak for saying I want to a use a different one. There was a point where he would critique everything I was doing with baby - how I was changing the nappy, moving the stats probe, picking baby up. He called me a bad mum a couple of times when I was struggling being in the hospital and going to see him (this was right after my emergency C-section too).
He made the decision for me to breast pump and then guilted me about stopping.
I'm genuinely terrified for how he's going to be when the baby is home because I know what he will expect.
Right now we aren't together, we are still living together but in separate rooms. He has apologised for some of things but I can see when he slips back to being control and taking decisions away from me (which I feel I should make as a mum).
This whole experience has made me fall out of love because at times he has made it unbearable for me. I appreciate how involved he is and he is an amazing dad. But I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do if we properly split up because I know he will want baby for overnight stays (I don't feel comfortable with me not being there when he is so little).
I understand dad's are just as important and I'm not trying to push him out but I feel like I need to prove myself as a mum around him.
This was just a big rant. I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable and should be happy he is so involved.

Can you talk to your doctor or midwife anyone at the hospital?

I think you need to talk to someone to get some support.
He bullied you into pumping then bullied you into stopping? That isn't a good, involved Dad, that's an abusive dick.

Who owns the house? Is there somewhere else you and baby could go? He isn't going to get better once you get home

He wont get overnight stays while wee one is tiny.

His behaviour isnt normal. Its demeaning and controlling. His true face.

Can you get away? Dont put his name on birth cert or give baby his name. It will cause you problems down the line.

Take your baby and leave. Then you see a solicitor later to nail down your custody rights.

Get away now while you can or he will turn your head to mush and have you trapped full of self doubt and fear.

You can do this, you are strong and your baby needs you most.

Ask to have a word with a nurse in private and tell them what's going on.

He isn't "an amazing Dad", he's an obnoxious bully.

Speak to your contact at the hospital and the GP, tell them how frightened you are of him, get some help and support. Have you got any support from family all?
Take care.

I get scared that I'm over-exaggarating and that I'm not doing enough and he's just responding to that.
Or maybe it's a case of my maternal instinct kicking in because stuff like this was happening in my pregnancy but I didn't notice it as much.
He's on the birth certificate and we both rent the house but can't afford to live there individually. I'm very confused and he has backed off a lot lately because I told him he was on his last chance, i can tell when he's slipping back. Maybe the true test will be when baby is home?

I think get it on record now, OP, because then they can make sure support is in place if you need it once you're home.

The neonatal unit is stressful enough without adding this abuse into the mix.
Where are your family? Are they around to help you? You need out and quickly!

Get it on record.
Speak to the neo natal team.
Don’t go home to the rental home if you can avoid it.
Get real life support.

You're not breastfeeding, you admit yourself he's a good dad so why shouldn't he have his child overnight?

I'm sorry but I don't think you should automatically take full custody just because you both have a poor relationship.

If you haven't already registered the baby, use your last name.

Amazing dads don't treat the mother of their children like that.

Tell the midwives and call womans aid

I’m a Neonatal Nurse. Talk in private to the nurse looking after your little one today. There is a good chance they have already picked up on his controlling behaviour.

Please let the hospital staff know what is happening and access support. You are in a very vulnerable place physically as you recover from pregnancy/ surgery/ post-partum recovery and emotionally with the added demands of caring for a premature baby in NICU on top of the demands of adjusting to motherhood.

It is not his place to make demands over your body over using the breast pump. You should not be criticised over everything. In healthy relationships people discuss, not take decisions and gaslight the other by accusing them of being control freaks. This is a time that you are in need of suppport and reassurance, not criticism and second guessing yourself.

Babies normally stay with their primary caregiver because they need the stability of forming attachments which would be disrupted by being passed around for overnight access.

Please, please get help before the situation deteriorates.

You're not breastfeeding, you admit yourself he's a good dad so why shouldn't he have his child overnight?
Good Dads do not abuse their vulnerable partners. He is not a good Dad.

You are both going through a lot of stress. I know this doesn't occur to many MN posters, but this includes him - you know, the baby's Dad. YOu haven't indicated if this is something you've just noticed since your little one was born, if if this is what he is always like.
If he is always like this, then listen to the other replies.
If this is new, then understand he is stressed / worried / anxious / exhausted too. Is there the potential he is aiming to step up to be an equal parent to this child? That his choice of formula is actually just as valid as yours ? That potentially he has tried to make some decision to take the pressure off you when you've said you weren't feeling up to it ? To try to support you by taking pressure off you ?

Obviously only you know him, but there is potentially a different way of looking at this.

Do you think he is a coercive person in general or is he reacting badly to the stress of a premature baby? If the latter I'd consider getting some kind of mediation to agree on how you'll make decisions going forward and how you'll respect each other as parents. If it's the former you need to think more carefully and learn to assert yourself in a non confrontational way. When will you move out? I don't think it's fair to say that "as a mum" you'll make more decisions than him (except for whether you'll breast pump since they're your bloody breasts!) but you should certainly be equally entitled to make decisions.

I appreciate how involved he is and he is an amazing dad

You appreciate him making all the decisons, overriding you, bullying you? He's not an amazing dad, he's an abusive, controlling dickhead.

Speak to a nurse today. They will be able to help.

The nurses on the unit are aware and they support me in doing more stuff with baby because they know baby's dad has a tendency to take over.
I wouldn't want overnight visits for my newborn baby because he has already spent a month in the hospital so already had a disruptive start to life. I don't believe swapping houses all the time would help his development. My baby's dad has a flexible work schedule that would allow him to see baby every single day if we were to live in separate houses.