To think there are things you just don't say in an argument

[PeopleWhoRun]

Keeping this fairly vague as the real words are potentially outing.

If you are arguing with your DH/DP are there things you just wouldn't say because they're over the line? Or am I just being a massive wimp.

Think along the lines of "there's no wonder you were cheated on"
(Strained family history) "there's no wonder you're like you are"
"Even your dad doesn't like you"
"No wonder you hadn't been pregnant before me"

If you had poured your heart out to your partner and they later (sometimes days/weeks/months down the line) say these things, which they know are your biggest cause of anxiety/self doubt and lack of confidence...

Do you say this in an argument? Or is there an invisible line.

I wouldn't say any of those things listed. It's horrible and below the belt.

And I wouldn't put up with it from anyone

I agree, there's an invisible line. My ex crossed it when he said that my Mum and Dad had his back, rather than mine when we split up. He was somewhat taken aback at my reaction.

His sister on the other hand, who was there, completely agreed he was bang out of order, bless her. We're still friends on facebook.

There should be boundary lines as to what you bring up. These things you mention should be considered emotional abuse. Why you ask, because he knows they are your hot spots. Your emotional kryptonite. It is cruel to bring it up in an argument. It is meant to be mean and hurtful.

So it sounds like your OH chooses to try and score points in an argument by using insults he 100% knows are going to really hurt you. There’s be no continuing in a relationship with someone like that for me

He would be my ex. My DH and I rarely argued and we would NEVER have used each other’s past to score points, especially since that past is related to abuse. That would appear to me as another form of abuse. What a nasty fucker.

I have ended the relationship. He's saying I'm being too stubborn and need to get over it all.
But I would never hurt someone like that in an argument.

I would be referring to him in the past tense if it were me

He’s just showing you that you can’t be vulnerable with him because he uses it against you. there can’t be real intimacy without vulnerability, so a relationship like this can’t be based on much.

Really glad you’ve finished it. You can have a bf who likes and respects you now.

My husband would say similarly hurtful things.
Then say, "don't take any notice of things I say when I'm angry. I'll say anything in a row to hurt you"
I ceased to tell him anything.
Eventually, I left.
Now my life is my own.
You will be so much better without a manipulator like that.

There is definitely a line you don't cross. My way of thinking is that you cannot unsay something and using someone's pain against them is cowardly.

No wonder your even ur mum didnt want you
A foster child

Don’t say anything you will regret later. I use to have a similar problem with an ex during arguments and I had to pull him up on it and ask where is the line and when is it crossed as these horrible comments stuck in my mind and I never forgot them as easy as he could forget the argument after a half hearted sorry.

I think if you start slinging mud like that then the relationship needs to be re-evaluated

You poor thing. Yes, there are things you do.not.say.

Often, there's no going back when they're said.

The purpose of an argument is either to get your point across because the other person disagrees or simply to hurt them.

With the former, you’d never say anything really hurtful but stick to the point. With the latter, it’s all guns blazing.

It’s very easy to not hurt people so I don’t buy any of the “heat of the moment” stuff

@rosamacrose it's almost as if I'd written that myself. He also said take no notice. And when I told his mother (a long time ago) she said I shouldn't tell him anything and just enjoy life... That was quite a wake up call, I like to think I could rely on an OH!

@ShirleyPhallus I never thought of arguing like that, very true!

@SonEtLumiere will definitely be repeating that.

@Dottysmum18 that's so sad are you out of the situation now?

Thank you all for your support, you are reassuring me I have made the correct decision and that behaviour like it is unacceptable

I cannot say strongly enough how wrong it is to say things like that. It’s actually disgustingly low.

YANBU and your partner is an abusive arsehole

Those lines are really visible and those things were said in spite to hurt you. Rules of loving engagement include never using shared confidences to attack your partner; never lumping your partner in with family, ethnic or gender groups to smear you with being just like x or typical of y; never enlisting others in your attack as in your dad warned me about this, your sister agrees with me about that; not using always/never statements; never expecting your partner to try to sift out what you did or didn't really mean from the stuff you threw about in a row as if they were a mind reader.

Them's the rules. Anyone who won't follow them doesn't love you and needs to hear you say goodbye and good luck.

That’s a low blow, mbosnz. Your ex was clearly trying to isolate you from support, just like the OP when her ex said “even your own dad doesn’t like you”. What abusive twats. Was there any truth in what he was saying? Not that your family should have his back over yours, but abusive men commonly come across fabulously to others while they’re being complete bastards behind doors.

I’m also curious to know what you said in response that surprised him?

My ex used to do this. Hence being an ex.