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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should my daughter see her dad??

21 replies

mummy300787 · 30/10/2019 18:10

Hi I was looking for some advice as I really am at my wits end and don’t know what is the right call,
My daughters dad and me spilt when she was 3, she is now 10 and has not really seen her dad since.
her dad has been in a out of prison and is an alcoholic, he has not wanted much to do with her until now! He has never paid a penny towards her and never sent birthday, Christmas cards.
And now he has just decided out of nowhere he wants a full blown relationship with her.
I have suggested they meet in a contact centre where he will be checked upon arrival If he has had a drink but apart from that left alone to spend time with his daughter. He has said no to this and wants her unsupervised or me being there (which I don’t want to be involved) and Because I have said no to this he has now said I’m the one damaging there relationship and he will not see her unless we do it his way.
Do other people think I am being unreasonable, he has stayed out of trouble but to the best of my knowledge he still drinks daily, my daughter says she loves him and wants to see him but she barely knows him, so really don’t know what to do...

OP posts:

LongWalkShortPlank · 30/10/2019 18:14

If it was about his daughter he would agree to the contact center in the interim just to build a relationship with the understanding that depending on the circumstances it wasn't forever

FizzyGreenWater · 30/10/2019 18:15

After seven years, he won't see her unless you do it his way, which involves basically handing your ten year old daughter over to an unknown alcoholic with no safeguards in place?

That would be an off you fuck, then!

No, not unreasonable at all. You should tell your DD that absolutely you will support her to have safe contact with her dad, when he is also ready to commit to that. Right now, he isn't, and she has to trust you that while he is her dad, he is also someone she doesn't know and there needs to be a plan in place so that she can get to know him in a way that's going to be safe, and feel safe, for her.

Tell him to come back when he's ready to put his DD's safety and emotional welfare before his own selfish wants.

Tistheseason17 · 30/10/2019 18:18

YANBU to ask for him to go to a Contact Centre.

If he really wants a relationship he would agree to this. Sounds like it is more that he wants to have control over you and your daughter.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/10/2019 18:23

Tell him to grow up. After 7 years he doesn't get to call the shots, his DD has to be given a safe, neutral space to get to know him. He doesn't get to circumvent her safety, her feelings in any way at all.

She comes first.

If he can't understand that and act accordingly then he doesn't get to see her. His choice.

Set up an email account for him to use when he has come to his senses. Block him from everywhere else and leave him to think it over!

Lemonlimesoda · 30/10/2019 18:27

YANBU stick to your guns. You’re doing right by your daughter as you always have.

justasking111 · 30/10/2019 18:29

Your daughter needs to be safe, if he cannot see this then he cannot see her.

ALbigbump · 30/10/2019 18:32

You are not being unreasonable, like others have said if he really wants a relationship and has her best interests at heart he’ll gladly take the contact centre option as a start! He’d bite your hand off in fact!

BlueSuffragette · 30/10/2019 18:52

YANBU. He needs supervised access. If he really wanted a relationship with her he would do whatever it takes.

Louloulovesyou · 30/10/2019 20:00

He has two choices contact centre or nothing! Don't be bullied by him.

GingersAreLush · 30/10/2019 20:02

Ofc YANBU I certainly wouldn’t do it his way either.

I’m inclined to think this a way to control you anyway and nothing to do with not seeing his daughter based on his conditions.

Winterdaysarehere · 30/10/2019 20:04

Contact centre. He needs to prove himself.

DonKeyshot · 30/10/2019 20:22

Tell him he has a choice of seeing his daughter in a contact centre until such time as he proves he can be a responsible parent and she is comfortable with him, or he can take you to court.

If he opts for court you will be invited to attend a mediation session at which time you can state your case and, hopefully, show him up for the unthinking, uncaring, irresponsible twat he is.

How dare he waltz back into your life, and more importantly your daughter's life, after 7 years and expect you both to ask how high when he says jump.

cheesydoesit · 30/10/2019 20:47

YANBU. You're absolutely right, stick to your guns and don't let him bully you. He's an embarrassing cliche of a man.

Densol999 · 30/10/2019 20:50

I am very very much that children should always see their dad and not be denied contact .....
BUT it has to be safe and totally in the childs welfare
Your suggestion is wonderfully fair and right and Cafcass would perhaps go one step further and ask initially that a supervised professionally supervised visit at a centre would be the first step. They would never ever suggest unsupervised until in these circumstances the father totally proved himself which could be months / year down the line and after medical reports

100% stand your ground here

Aworldofmyown · 30/10/2019 21:01

God no, he could do so much damage (trust me I know). PP is right, if it was about a relationship with her he would go to the contact centre.
Make sure you talk to her openly about it as he may try to manipulate her.

Bubblesintheair · 30/10/2019 21:59

Contact centre or nothing. He has a lot to prove and is in no position to claim.anyone is damaging a relationship he hasn't been bothered with for 7 years. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated into putting his wishes ahead of your daughter's needs.

Hecateh · 30/10/2019 22:33

And now he has just decided out of nowhere he wants a full blown relationship with her.
Tell him to prove it by meeting reasonable conditions
I have suggested they meet in a contact centre where he will be checked upon arrival If he has had a drink but apart from that left alone to spend time with his daughter. yes
He has said no to this and wants her unsupervised or me being there (which I don’t want to be involved) No and No
and Because I have said no to this he has now said I’m the one damaging there relationship and he will not see her unless we do it his way. Bollocks to him
Do other people think I am being unreasonable, Definitely NOT unreasonable

You would be unreasonable (and IMO neglectful of your daughter's needs and safety) if you agreed to any of his demands.

If he really wants to establish a relationship with your daughter he starts off by being respectful to you and apologetic about his crap behaviour as a sperm donor biological father (I can't won't make myself call him a dad)

Purplealienpuke · 31/10/2019 05:58

Arrggghhh crap fathers do my head in!!
I will forever regret allowing my daughter to stay overnight with her useless father one night against my better judgement. Some scars just don't heal.
Please do continue to stick to your guns for your daughter's sake. Make sure she is safe at every turn. Dont allow this fuckwit to bully and manipulate you or your daughter. IF he really wants a relationship with her he WILL do anything he can to see her, including a contact centre and sobriety tests.
I'm sure there are helpful books to assist your daughter in understanding the choices you are making to keep her safe. Its heartbreaking when the resident parent is seen as the bad guy by the child because they don't understand the decisions made are in their best interests or the absent parent has filled their little heads full of vile shit.
I really feel for you. Sending you strength for whatever comes next 💐

FreshStart01 · 31/10/2019 08:28

YANBU No experience but surely agreeing access through the courts so everyone knows where they stand, and professional supervision is the only way to go in these cases? I would be worried that if I tried to deal with him myself, and things went wrong, then social services would quickly get involved. Let professionals who are used to dealing with these situations make the decisions on where and how often.

Barbie222 · 31/10/2019 08:31

Go through courts, absolutely every time.

Cloudsandrainbows · 31/10/2019 20:52

YANBU if he loves her too, he will understand where you are coming from and would want to prove to you he has changed, and deserves contact with his daughter. I would be open and honest with your daughter, as you do not want her to resent you for not letting her see him.
If you were to go to court I'm pretty sure they would order first contact to be in a contact centre given his history. There is no reason for him to refuse a contact centre unless he has something to hide.

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