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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not really AIBU, just feel so bloody lonely

12 replies

sourpuss1 · 30/10/2019 17:06

Bit of background, two kids both SEN one boy of 12 (ADHD) daughter of 7 ( ASD, sensory, dyspraxia, dyslexia ), both on half term, my son has behavioural issues however is intelligent and has full understanding/capacity, this evening he slapped me round the face and called me a shitbag, because I caught him out lying about something ridiculous, just so lonely and tired and worn down I guess I just need a handhold, I don't know, times like this I feel like I'm failing (I know I can only try my best, it's just defeating when your best is never good enough). Sob story over

OP posts:
RedSheep73 · 30/10/2019 17:13

Half term is hard work, isn't it. Mine don't have sn but I'd had enough of them by yesterday afternoon. Try not to take it personally, kids that age do get angry with their parents. It's not your job to be their best mate, either. What did you do after he hit you?

formerbabe · 30/10/2019 17:14

That sounds really hard Flowers

I have an 11 year old ds...no sn but he can be absolutely obnoxious sometimes...bloody hormones I think! You have my sympathy.

Do you have a husband or partner around to be able to give you a break?

Asta19 · 30/10/2019 17:30

My advice may not go down well with some people on here (or in real life come to that!) but I had an ASD son who was prone to violent outbursts when he was little. I would say you have to come down very hard on any acts of violence. Like you, I was a single mum, and I did not want to be in a situation where I had a teenage son beating me up, and it does happen! If necessary I would restrain him at times, shout if I had to, all the things you're not really meant to do! But it worked. I made it crystal clear that violence had no place in our home. Moody strops were one thing but the rule in place was we never raised a hand to each other. It did sink in and he turned out lovely! (He's 30 now and we're really close).

The other thing I would say is you are not failing. It's bloody tough on your own, especially when you have DC with additional needs. This is the toughest time. But I can promise you it will get better. I also have a DD who's had some issues but both mine have turned into lovely (for the most part!) adults. The hard slog that can seem endless is really worth it in the end. Just love them and support them (while letting them know who's the boss Wink ) and honestly, that is enough. Please don't be hard on yourself, you are doing just fine Flowers

Original poster
sourpuss1 · 30/10/2019 17:30

@RedSheep73 @formerbabe
Hi thanks for your replies, I explained to him that he had hurt me, that I was removing privileges and walked away because I didn't want to lose my temper, he just walked off laughing, now he's apologetic because he wants his PS4 controllers, doesn't understand why now he's said sorry he can't have them straight back. no I am a single parent

OP posts:
Asta19 · 30/10/2019 17:31

Sorry, assumed you were on your own, but you might not be!

Original poster
sourpuss1 · 30/10/2019 17:32

@Asta19 hi thank you that's reassuring to know you've come out the other side and they are decent human beings 🙂, his sister gets quite distressed if she sees it so I try to keep quiet as not to upset her but I make it crystal clear how unacceptable it is, just have to walk away sometimes so I don't cry

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Original poster
sourpuss1 · 30/10/2019 17:34

@Asta19 yes I'm a single parent, his dad is a bit hit and miss and I appreciate he lashes out at me as I'm his safe place and never let him down where physically possible, whereas dad is a bit of a tw!t in that respect

OP posts:
Asta19 · 30/10/2019 17:40

I recognise a lot in your post. My DD is also very sensitive so I can see what you're saying. I would wait a while then maybe have a talk with him 1 on 1 and reiterate how he cannot act in that way. Explain that he's hurt you and that violence has no place in your home. Do it as many times as is necessary. You may feel you're repeating yourself a lot but it needs to sink in. If he's not receptive at first, walk away and try again later. It can be a bit of a battle of wills but stay strong.

formerbabe · 30/10/2019 17:41

Sometimes if my ds is badly behaved and I take away his phone/tablet, I give him a time when I say he can have it back providing he behaves until then...so, let's say it's 1pm, I will say if you behave nicely you can have it back at 4pm. It gives them a time frame and an incentive to behave. Any rudeness or bad behaviour during that time means the three hours will start again. Not sure if that might work for you too?

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 30/10/2019 17:43

I have no words of advice OP but just wanted to send you a handhold and a virtual hug Flowers

Asta19 · 30/10/2019 17:45

Exactly, we are the "safe" ones as they know they can lash out and we will still love them regardless. I honestly think you are doing way better than you think you are! You're there for them, you love them and you are keeping them safe. You may think that's a given for most parents but having grown up with shit ones my self, I can tell you it isn't! Look after yourself in all this too. I know how hard it is so try and do something that makes you feel happy too.

Original poster
sourpuss1 · 30/10/2019 17:53

@OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg
@Asta19

Thank you both, I work in the Sen environment so have many tools of the trade 😀 and just go for the consistent it's not acceptable but you are loved, you are safe and I am always here, no matter how many times a day that is required, thank you for the positivity all of you and the reassurance, just helps not to feel so alone, best wishes to everyone

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